in the middle of all this
one good thing.
already being mixed in as story
cuz u see
i can barely appreciate this good woman from the midwest
but i did
genuinely
if only in  little bits

the bit of me that remains amongst the rips of dystonia
nothing exists really for me being locked like i am .in all this
so this painting i give to her
for she truly listened.
to this story which others only percieved as a mind gone haywire.
and she saw
something
in the trees

cuz its about this
seeing
and believeing
nothing more than that
and thats
all i have ..so when i can think that small bit of good
be it about my mom dad .other mom stuff like this
it means more than money ever could
and it saves me


 I had to  look all to badly  at people to find fault with those who found so much fault in me this style of thought was set into motion when i was young.and bullied
but also

and away ...again.
always
these days
away
i don't think
right
...so i go away and away I am near barrington  illinois,the midwest
i want something.
i want goodness
   from this woman
this woman is good.i am at her house.her family..she knows of my journey
she sees good in me
she sees it in the paintings.

she teaches me things
at night.
she reads to me.stuff about john and paul i think(i dont know these stories)paul at the mountain of mars.and how theres this real real stuff in us.and that they got the teachings of jesus and all these other leader type teachers so wrong.that they were examples.and this amazingness is in everyone.and it is real real magic
i listen....
she knows i came to her..on my way .cuz she knows i will need something i have lost in my years of cringing..
i tell her about it.THE STORY.and not how i write it.but how i really heard it
she doesnt think i am mad.

i can see her eyes when i go on and on.
they are different from other people i have told bits of the story to.

adam parker

{another reread may 18th.this one i cannot read very far into .for it concerns an unlikely actor one would not think might be involved in this project

I had seen this actor on 2 occasions during the height of this simulation.he did absolutely nothing to thwart future events.and may have in fact caused them}
you'd be suprised  at whom some of the villians in "this story "are..
i'm not the sharpest knife .so when i first got to los angeles last march i began writing directly on facebook(a screenplay I had ideas for etc and i think the blog.and thats when some of the trouble began.i wrote some stuff about adam parker .that i was going to telepathically like turn into steam or something and slip under his door and trash his place.also that i was going to weave myself into one of his flannel shirts (telepathically once again) and like I dont know ..mess with him.perhaps i dont know swoosh against his magic abs.
they believe in some odd shit there.and this set off some red flags u see.
he believes this "adam" that i am quite a dangerous man.
using my "powers" or something for "no good"
i'm not sure if this was before or after  i  began writing about the comings and goings of 1994 at the gilbert
there are many arcs in this story.but his arc concerns me in a very different way.for i meant this guy no harm and was only getting my juices flowing to write "things i wasnt supposed to write about"
telepathy ,cybernetics.the future of such things.
and the beginning has not begun quite yet.
things such as "magic" and "spirits in the machine" will once again cause crazy troubles not heard of
since the salem witch trials for it will be hard to tell where one begins and one ends
i dont read the blog.i dont reread it.(i did erase some videos) god forbid a stray picture of some flannel shirt is there.i dont remember.
nor do i remember if I had written that i was kidding .or had reversed my initial "plan" to turn into a puff of steam or some such bizness and cause havoc to his belongings

who is to say .besides gary rainy.
if proxy was really supposed to be what it became....
seems to me this was never supposed to be a good thing
proxy technology
created solely
FOR SPORT?
using the pronciplas of dactology cybernetic process(debrackification)basically IN on Itself?
to finance the operation itself.
powerful people.waelthy people paid handsomelyto milgram test Perishables....
i vere off into another direction.
should i be typing at all.
and does it matter.
is this a personal vendetta for not being able to take it.
for being too much of a loser to
endure?
it's that confusing
SNAP OUT OF IT...this isnt a story,
there isnt a way to write it.
ethan says.
DEBREIFING?is that what this is??
i am trapped.
in the story.
in my format
in my only way of processing what i have been thru
i can not snap out of it.
only snap.
nobody could survive this
The NCIA knew this.
what difference does it make.i won't or will not or cannot come back.
there are elements to this situation that defy technological input.
this i fear the most.
what am i fucking with....
i was raised by actors.my grandfather was a federal judge.he set his daughter up with my father to smoke it up with gary rainy in the early 1960's
snap out of it.don't say a word.snap out of it dont say a word.whose the president.do you know what town this is do you know what yearit ismy mother and father lived for 3 months on the Rainy 's property.The Farm.to glean "alittle off the top"doyouknowwhyyou'reherewhyyouareheredoyouknowwhatstatethisismyfatherandmother simulated some infighting and a chism naturally occured between them and Gary rainy concerning my mother releasing several lambs into the Wild Palms surrounding the farm/compound My father and mother,now banished returned to federal standing and began "the scripts"based on Rainy's "Thesis for Dactology which had already Foretold of microchips,hallucinigenics and Debrackifying Techniques for The New Wayi dont know who told me this  i dont know where i am i dont know what is true I think for a moment i  am in a hospital but than i see it is a private home

"I am not here to help you.
I am here to tell you.
what happened to other assholes like you who couldnt shut up"a woman dressed like a nurse says.youmeantheresworse youmeantheresworse youmeantheresworse
A Muralist
a muralist has already began the nightmare
Milgram.The Muralist telegraphs into my system
i like that.so clean.
i can imprint this between feedings
believe it or not I "hear"see taste as i go under
believe it or not this was never supposed to be a good thing
proxy technology WAS
created solely
for the purpose of sport
                                     a hand brushes my face.
                                            is this what you want to believe
                                                       is it.
                                                            is it?

FLOAT ON

ethan comes

and ethan goes

he's a Float On

he  fancies himself a  deprogrammer

ethan has been thru Prox as well

they left him he says with less than he went in with.

they judged him harshly

he's decided to Take over

when he recovers from

Bad Management.

there are bad apples at prox group that have been

abusing their power

practically rotting the entire group from the inside out

i am witness to that ethan says

i am evidence

"thanks alot"

you know what i mean bossman

he chimes

He was working a part time job,and taking classes.

and now he's back at his mother's

on Pills( he shouldnt have mentioned he was hearing things.)

strangely he's not bitter.not even that angry

he found a way

beyond the new way

to know without knowing

to see without seeeing

without the lights and whistles

when i am terrified

 he floats on

and says i must meet Luigi

he believes many things that prox has taught  are sound,he says there is more to it all

Evan "hears  me "hearing  this

and thinks i am losing my mind

but ethan is saving me

how in fuck's name he can communicate thru Prox is beyond me

ARE U CRAZY JIMBIS!evan graphs

people can't communicate without proxy

not according to gary rainy i graph

"he made it up. so fools like you would be afraid"

evan hates his father

it's the only part that matters ethan beams

Evan isnt a part of dactology

dactologists want nothing to do with him

WHO ARE YOU GETTING THIS INFORMATION FROM

evan explodes

cybernetic process is tuff.

everything depends on what happens immediately afterward

where u go next.

and if there are people  who can sustain

your experience.

how could there be.

Unless you

give it to them

for free

PRoxy isn't free!evan grAPHS

he sounds weird.it;s the first time he's treated proxy as a phone line.i have almost forgotten his voice,what it sounds like

"dont go saying that proxy should be free do you understand,@

YEAH  MAN  I UNDERSTAND

go fuck yourself i graph back

he seems afraid.

of Ethan?

measured cues

the hell with it i think...trying this hard to present the facts of the story mixed about as some sci fi shit.only for my own safety.yeah .safety sometimes matters on those rare moments of the day when i can give a damn if I exist at all.i am depressed.i am not used to it.depression.not my thing.i get no answers..i swear i am back to thinking this was all some kind of..
hallucination.?

are u fuckin kidding me.
a cover up perhaps.and so it goes . am  I back to some kind of screenplayish asperations.no !!I have no asperations.like i said.i have become aimless here.

but i plow on.
adding more bits of fact and fiction.My own cover up you see..I HAVE RECIEVED NO ANSWERS.only more questions .
besides i have to be more careful what i write.so would you when Proxy is suspiscious and on Interneural 24/7
and maybe it wasnt a good idea to  mention ***** who have a hand in the proxy pie as well.
I have heard ***** can get a bit barnstormy if one writes of one's dealings with them in a way that doesnt fit their remix.
I have always had a difficult time getting on with others .besides this aspergery shit.I have been told i have avesion s and stuff to authority and all sorts of vaguely anti socialization problems.know what i mean.
even my experiences with the Alien Entities have not gone so well,i have no idea what they were expecting.perhaps their last contact was with Christ. or those very dilligent groups that built huge monuments.
I am not so much defiant as more concerned  at this point with earthly things like which sneakers i can afford.and getting another apartment .and how i will pay rent since absolutely everything i had is gone.
between the dactologists,proxy and  hmmm.I could barely figure out what the fuck was what.

though it has occured to me
and not for the first time that as bad as things were with THEM has nothing on my "relations" with uh

....the North Canadian Intelligence Agency(NCIA) who unbeknownst to me had set me up.since I was quite small to infiltrate the entire clusterfuck.it was no accident that yours truly was in LA on Santa Monica Blvd .Nope indeed.yousee NCIA knew about Prox's founding father Gary Rainy like years before i was even born and even then way before like there were even really computers as we know them it was all this son of a bitch could write and talk about.the guy like tape recorded everything,wrote tons of books,every waking day was spent thinking ,writing ,taping.he went thru like 6 wives because of this bullshit.anyway he started both Dactology (and later began his association with David Christie (the founder of Prox)...anywho NCIA didnt much like Gary Rainy or Dactology cuz they had this way of like being all sneaky,and sneaking in and out of stuff.just like NCIA,and I guess NCIA always wants to be the sneakiest.at this point i sorta hate them all.I have no allegiance to any thing anyone except to myself.Or what's left of myself after being commandeered by these maniacs in one way or another for decades!

well
besides being a bit "off" I am sorta typical guy getting on in years.and have jackshit to show for my existance.now this might be fine if It didnt become all too apparent that it has barely been my existance at all.I have been told on way too many occasions (and most of my "occasions' have been pre-arranged,so what does that tell you of my associates that i am not the sharpest tack in the tackroom.Ha! I have my eyes on the skies. little do i give a damn about the ins and inards of Prox or Dactology.or their way of insinuating themselves into all areas and slivers of the Candian  way of Life.from the post office to the pool rooms to the public high schools.nor do i care about their ideology that has borrowed every known form of Person Control from the Japanese WW2  "camp"experiments to EST to Silva Mind manipulation.Dr Jake Orlean,the secret saint of NCIA suggested as early as 1958 that the only way an agent could survive what he surmised(and right I must say)Gary Rainy's Pet project was to create this agent essentially from birth.So "washy" was this form of utter control of the Personhood.aAl five senses,through his predicted and fostered ideas on the New Man.the cybernetic Co Hort,who worked not quitre as an individual but a "collective man" .Group Thought was Gary Rainy's ideal.as long as the thought ,was his.
Dr Jake Orlean supposed that only a "shattered" mind could indure and withstand(not to mention report) Gary rainy's(proxy"s)interneural "horror show"This agent ,this shattered man with only the ability to think like a goldfish should also be taught to only respond to measured cues and symbols so that even in a state of cybrernetic stress he might be able to "snap out of it"long enough so that NCIA could determine his "transjectory,his causation by proxy"
NCIA referred to this as project "tommy" or simply ProJect Pinball

see..mixing in some uh...fiction..uhh..let me explain...not so much..
you see  tonight is a nite to say what the hell to yell BREACH and dance around may poles.that is how sick of these assholes one and all i is.
now.it would be quite a bitch to raise a kid completely "tommy" but give em a bit of Ephronamine ergot and Rimalphosphate while he's in 4 point restraint to a lawn chair.voluntarily (don't ask)and you get the shine of it pretty well."a little bit of this ,a little bit of that"I was raised Tommy Bobby,as many candian type family units did this type of"thing " for the cause.though i am beginning to question exactly what Cause it was that kim,my mother and ted ,not to mention big Jim were really apart of.because gary Rainy 's first step in the Proxy process is in fact convicing would be devotees that all parental groups since 1966 on were part of some conspiracy type rebop to bring CERTAIN chosen Children up in this way.Ways such as project tommy.for the soul reason of making them ready to be part of The New Way.But because this New Way was so ahead of it's time and could possibly be seen by certain goverenmnet types as afoul even their parents couldn't say "yes of course we did sweetheart"if asked.And don't you dare ask or mention it.for you might just get them into more hot water than you know.(actually sometimes Old gary would get confused and tell them that they were raised "tommY" to in fact further the old way.it hardly matterd a bit of Rimalphosphate in orange soda went along way to whatever way was the way of the day ."a little bit of this ,a little bit of that," as gary was often heard giggling into the tape recorder.Evan,gary's stepson keeps the tapes on display in proxy's  new New Way Head offices.

{i have failed miserably.every move i have ever made has been
 out of fear
out of stubborness
out of compulsion
out of shame
i have kept up a recording of my failures
as a human being
look how i have written about my fellow man
my excuse is my humaness
and The Style of The Times,}
I am on my knees.In a hotel.
I am crying.I am afraid.I cannot find God.My hands are folded on the bed.
I am not really praying .I am Pleading.
this too is the style of the times

this must be what a schizophrenic feels like.this must be why they are disorganized,fearful and screaming.
I have let myself go
as might you
if Proxy knew ,sensed and read  your every thought,memory and "feelings"
this is the world to come

          __  a sermon comes to mind.(or more so what is left of my being able to think several things at the same time)___Can't you see how casually how quickly cameras were put up EVERYWHERE.how quickly everyone's information has been gathered.and how we have
gone along.
"stop stop .It sounds like an Op Ed piece:"evan graphs,dismissive and mean,"get up off your knees.pull yourself together.if you keep acting like this you will be hospitalized"
I get up.
Some moments i feel alone.I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
i try not to think of ANYTHING.
I brush.
i think.
i wish my thoughts towards other people were more caring.more kind.more something
especially because my thoughts are essntially being broadcast through Proxy Telex
how can one not wish one were 
 more Proxagenic?More Good
I wish they would just take me over completely
BUT IT IS RIGHT
ONE CANNOT LIE OR THINK DISHONESTLY WITH A PROX ON THE BRAIN
Proxy not only reads the neural output
but also the Measure and "truth" of the Prox Wave
The Dactologists ,who have assimilated with Proxy
call it the Brack Meter
It is Good to know
that while I feel I am being Destroyed(debrackified)
that i am also being Cured
"you had better not being saying this outloud" evan graphs.he has suggested i begin chewing gum .so nobody can read my lips when I sometimes move  my mouth to the interface

Things have fallen apart
I am driven beyond  distraction
BecAUSE of proxy I go into rages that nobody understands
I have lost or thrown out all that i have
I now find that i rely solely on Evan Or Proxy for guidance
     they have told me I must now eat only soft food.
    puddings.yogurt
because my chewing disgusts them

I have begun having dreams
dreams that proxy Corp
and this interneural interface is not just technology
not the barium filaments that MDS(mastcative delivery system)a nice word for amounts to mites or other small insects essentially spitting upsaid metallic pinhole sized "plasma bubbles:that when increased by thousands form"combs" or nano "stations" that eventually(3 to 4 weeks)form networks that eventually serve as processors
"we told you THAT IDIOT!so YOU would BE DUMB ENOUGH to tell that to a shrink!,: Evan Graphs and than giggles"THaN they would lock you up and throw away the key"
{there's something in his anger and his giggle that gives me pause.Interneural goes both ways .}
from teeth brushing.to shaving
I am hesitant to clean my ears
the use of a Q-tips etc and interneural can often have severe ramifications
but it is also the only time i can often piece together the odd bits of relevant information.

Serious grooming and one's toilet concerns are often the Only Time
One's Mind is one's Own////////
I have begun having dreams
dreams that proxy Corp
and this interneural interface is not just technology
not just barium filaments...A new set of Bed Time  Stories.Proxy is going deeper into my subconscious.My Primal fears.
Magic.
witchcraft.
........................................alien life forms
Now,the cybernetic processed has been all but dashed
the jist moves from Industry to Superstition
no jimbis this isnt about nano barium condensor conductuates aSShole!

but divine in it's nature.I am not sure if this is because as i have seen on the news because Proxy's CEO has announced he is a practicing Dactologist or because they have run out of fresh muralists to program and prox my dreams
and nightmares.
I am finished cleaning my ears.i must go further.I must keep Evan at bay
I grab my Norelco and graph intentionally that "some manscaping is neccessary"
"oh no you don't" Evan graphs.and suddenly my left arm seizes with pain.A NEW APP .Pain
"installed"by mite mastigations and barium micro pellets
I had been instructed that the introduction of Pain Threshold Techniques in the holding cell at the van nuys jail.
Pain Threshold
for The new World Man.(i cant believe such terms as new world man or New frontier actaully meant anything.ever)
I turn on the razor.and Evan tunes out
I use the opportunity to think of a new "sermon: or a rotten NEW thing to write directly online.something that helps him "destroy me"
if anything
goes wrong.
like a
breach
or something.
to give myself more time.
to keep proxy off my back i further repulse Evan by singing showtunes all the while trimming away..the short hairs.
by the 3rd verse of "i feel pretty"  the taunts of Evan graphing "i am the most disgusting man on the face of the earth" are intense enuf to gush enuf adrenaline thru my system to actually  get me through another day of this
                                                

i had warned them .last sping
that in the next few months things would happen to me(by proxy ,if you will)
that would represent
how
a
man who
is different
would be treated
and dealt with when
THEY
popped up
(and you by now must have gathered who THEY are.trust me,they ain't in the sky.well.they're up and down.)


are you saying.you were selcted.that you are special.by THEM?
OH enough of this I say.Yes Yes whatever.I was for some reason selected.who knows why.why are you stuck on this point.
oh dear the arrogance of me.loser that i am
 being for whatever reason chosen (Oh dear he he say chosen?.the nerve)...anyway
moving on.can we move on

by all means.and why ask.i am the one being interrogated.well yes.i had knowledge that I and thus you all would be tested back in the spring of 2012...I shoulda seen it coming.
that there would be a repeat of 1994's happenings at the gilbert hotel.for that is why I came back.that is the promary reson I came back to california
but this time it was different.
as i said i was here to represent
Represent who may i ask.
The Meek i suppose.the meek who have to rely on everyone around them.
the cops .the jailers.the lawyers.the nurses.the "street people"his brother.his mother.the rich people of palm springs
as i said I reported on the coming"crisis"ahead of time.after that i suppose i WAITED.
let's just say it grew .the strange things going on around me,within me until it reached quite obvious proportions(hence my problems with the van nuys police)
let's stay away from the topic.i have been warned,trust me.Let's just say me and a certain nameless entity "had a moment ä communion if you will
and how did that fair?
some days were better than others.but the question of course is how did YOU ALL fair.isnt it.for of course with so much intensity (you have no idea)I couldnt handle this myself.and that seemed to be the point.that i would have to leave my apartment and seek help from my fellow man.
and how did that go
alot better to be honest than I expected.the problems really began with my brother,he played with the situation.his automatic response to the situation was very odd.the cops,jailers,and community of van nuys were spectacular.quite different than my dealings with people in Palm springs.

call from H.in middle of night  draw some crazy pictures.with the descrip.make it look infantile,but make it precise

Back here in philly.Brain damage.part of the package.
PUNISHMENT!
these fuckers dont know what a breach is.but even i am nervous.about writing about theThe Mites.the mites.the insects spit Orlon18.too My "charlie Gordon/lawnmower man"notebooks is all i have.after frankie gave me that shit.instant brain deficet,"don't say a word"How could he Linda laughed,I have been that dumbed down.but i must try.my scrawlings.is the closest to microfilm i have.

ithe insects spit Orlon18.I spit on Orlon 18!

to spread

The Way

aOrlon 18 is the semi metalic "serum that after 9 days or so "acts' as a conductor(as would i suppose a computer chip

though this to prox Corp is outdated shit.

chips.adhesion is the Key

adhesion type devices(magnetic,or metalic plasma)

work in tandum with the Laramie satelite

eventually Orlon18 travels(something like Gene therapy techniques)toward the brain,the eyes,the ears.

the nervous system

of the host

shelter

i am virtually penniless

for the first time in a long time

the thoughts of going to Proxy  Reassessment Center

becomes not a burden but a joy

money ,the future

being constantly beholding.

beholding to anyone with it.money,.

a place to stay

the way an infant lives.

Proxy can make me dumber
if i can toss together 3 thousand bucks
i can recieve the first treatment.
and by October I can be augmented
into The smiling Fool
on the Prox Knox Pamphlet
it is guarenteed
If I stop smoking I can become a Prox Box for hire
i am still young enuf
it might be better.i don't know

"we can not go back to this.

we cannot go back to this."a voice says.Ethan is too gentle to shout In The House

we began like this and so much of this

was fixed,

remember

remember that you are good and there is good around you

Liam

is Liam

liam IS GOOOD

like soda

ethan fancies himself a  deprogrammer

ethan has been thru Prox as well

for him it didnt take

he hates them

they left him he says with less than he went in with.

they judged him harshly

He was working a part time job,and taking classes.

and now he's back at his mother's

on Pills(i told the fucker he shouldnt have mentioned he was hearing things.)

strangely he's not bitter.not even that angry

took some online classes and considers himself a deprogrammer.

he's thinking of putting up a shingle.

or at least posted his services on craigslist

how in fuck's name he can communicate thru Prox is beyond me

"beyond prox jimbis"

cybernetic process is tuff.

everything depends on what happens immediately afterward

where u go next.

and if there are people are you who can sustain

your experience.

how could there be.

Unless you

unless you

give it to them

suddenly everyone wears snadals SUDDENLY EVERYONE WEARS SANDALS!

so much for judging Liam harshly

the style is Liam.

if Liam is the style .

and it has been decided Liam is.

just like that.

now everyone wants a Liam of there own JimBis

i saw seven teenagers wearing T-shirts with Liam's face on them

snap out of it snap out of it snap out of it..ethan whispers

break something do something.i cant i cant i cant

it will be a world soon without money

dont you see

dont you see

this is a test

soon people like you people like me will mean something

something good.WE KNOW in a way

they do not we FLY in a way they cannot.

the world will soon be "mental"

oh brother ethan.

it already is

(who is this guy.is he with proxy or the NCIA)my god I am beginning to halluciante

i am losing my mind,

the room i sleep in is the size of a walk in closet

it is humid

clothes are strewn all over the floor.a large tv sits in ther corner .

taking over

i cannot watch it

for more than a few minutes

i am too depressed to pick up the clothes on the floor

i hear someone out side laughing at the tv

when i walk around all i see when i look up at windows is colors moving around.wait till they see

what's next.there will be colors moving around all right.

and sound

and-

I felt better on the streets

i felt connected

i felt hungry

i felt something

i didnt feel like screaming

not in this way

if i wanted to scream i yelled.

this is completely different,

and whats this about not needing money

only people who have it tell people they dont need it

one rich guy i knew.when i asked him for a loan told me to read "the secret" dude the secret is you giving me some start up cash asshole

"this type of thinking won't wash" ethan whispers."your negativity really knows no bounds"

but it does.

maybe that's all ive learned in my 40 odd years.and i start packing

"it's easier to go when you have less and less"I now speak out loud.to ethan to proxy to the NCIA.

to the walls.

"and that jimbis is the point.you have served your sentence there is nothing for you here.so next time you abandon your post..

next time you whine about direct sunlight and the coldness of the nite.or the jack in the box.remember this room.there is nothing here,in a room .in someone else's house

nobody much buys this art.my dealer says it's not universal enuf.

that there's always ME in the paintings.hmmmI tend to agree.(i agree with anyone who ..has money when i am extra extra weak.)

and the first thing i picture

is me painting Evan's farm

i am broke enuf to be forced into the system.

a shelter.a program.a PLACE

I am scared.

but it seems worse here.

my god.

my god my god.

i was not this pathetric on the streets.

i could end up at my mothers' that woman.

i cant call her my mother.

this is where you go where there is no place to go is all

and nobody to ask

you go mad.

i have to leave.

i have to go

i need money

i need to move on.

i need help and not advice.

a place..rent.stuff nobody ever thinks of

just draw.just wait something will come along.

something did come along.

something came along

 and took.

leaving me

nothing

mural

THIS NEVER HAPPENED "DO YOU UNDERSTAND!

DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND

you know what to do to cover it up

so if you don't want to spend the rest of your life eating out of garbage cans .THIS is What I suggest you do
A. QUIT WRITING THAT GOD DAMN BLOG OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT
DO YOU UNDERSTAND!
it makes no fucking sense anyway you sound like a raving lunatic!
B.SHUT UP about EVERYTHING to your so-called friends!
C..GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO WELFARE,and a MENTAL HEALTH PLACE or  something
to SOMEHOW EXPLAIN
EXACTLY what HAPPENED
.and WHAT HAPPENED ! was YOU HAD A BREAK WITH REALITY.DO YOU UNDERSTAND
so before you go too far
JUST STOP!
in a way I am glad i have my
fake mental problems and financial catastrophe to attend to.
I despise these people.(when I am not in awe,or somehow think they toughened me up,like all that I have recounted(so far) was boot camp)
they play with people
it almosty seems the entire point.is this what you would use cybernetic principles for?or .the beginnings of simulated reality enhancement moduals?
television plays with people.
imagine what happens when it goes further.and further .
and further still.
so what if i have to spend the rest of my life not being believed
besides

the more specific i get.
the less I am able communicate it.even as fiction.trust me I know it sounds Schizo.psychotic.which makes it so much worse.
and as you can see I am not much of a sci fi writer.(i hate the genre)but I had/have to explain it to someone.I am getting weaker here.at liam's I hate what I am becoming again.
I was set up.
someone will pay.
I don't know how.
but it won't be me.
something will happen soon
tables will turn

there is a higher power out there who shall see to it
I sound insane.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND


now imagine if you will the other operations that the operators had/have in store.especially when the tv and movie industry became involved..underpaid screenwriters make the best interneural muralists.interneural muralists are the most dangerous people on the face of the earth.lately they have begun using my own blog entries in my very dreams.2 nights ago i had a dream that began harmless enough. a monty python type style introduction with the NCIA portrayed as bewigged colonial types in a modern federal office building discussing just how wrong my last stint in LA had indeed gone.

a higher up stands at a presentation board with a long pointer on the board is a photo of my mother.
"what type of woman would participate in Project Tommy"he asks
"well u havent met Kim.Or Jimbis'father for that matter.ambitious in his own right,"
another ,still in the broad style of brit comedy,this dream muralist adds a laugh track<"I thought Operation Rosemary's baby was thrown out with the bathwater"
the chairman shouts,"can we stay on point please.This is serious business he shouts ,though i glimpse him fondling himself underthe long table,"this is serious bizzzzness.if you only knew the various situations it took to shatter a small child's mind into this goldfish thinking."
A senator type picks his head off the table"goldfish thinking .so better to place the symbols into the basket...does anyone have a deck of cards?"
The chairman hushes him and slaps his hand "i thought we were staying away from the manchurian candidate"
"which one," an effeminate captain type says
'which one what"
'which version.I didnt much care for the denzel washington one.at all.I didnt much like the movie version of "tommy " either" and I think the musical was over rated as well.At least the one we saw in London"
The senator suddenly stands and salutes shouting "are you men or are you mushrooms!"
The chairman suddenly morphs into the strange white haired man in the movie "seconds"and the tone changes .The muralist dims the "lighting" and deepens my REM
" the point is Jimbis 3 has sided with the Dactologists.or thats what i thought .Ive read some of his notes and he seems to now be creating his own version.which i am not so sure the dactologists like anymore than we do.I"m afraid he might be "losing it" in a whole new way"
"he is WINNING"the senator says.I liked him better when he was whining."
"


(the tone changes,i get the sense that this muralist is for me.wants me to begin KnOwing things.)
design
"my goodness<"giggled the Captain,"i couldnt imagine one set of neural interface implants let alone 2.
Shhhh he doesnt know .
and they dont know
but they will
the name ethan comes to me(this isnt part of the dream,this is something else,
The name ethan and a cop who touched him,helped him gently into the squad car when he needed that gentleness,a youngman i met in key west who reminded me of jesus,...names like Simon,Peter, but this time in the style of VEDA and Evan.there will be NO GOOD GUYS this time.it won't play .it didnt the first time did it.but GOOD all the same...it doesnt make sense.but it does.it will be tough times and wild times.it began when the man in ohio released the animals I hear ethan say/pray

....
the muralist continues the dream..
the dream state almost seems hesitant.
even the muralist knows he doesnt quite control everything.
The muralist knows i want answers.that i might be willing to die for them at this point .or why would i be typing this?
" our interneural headset,,we called it the wire,so small,the implants not perceptable." the senator says"we used it to try to gather evidence..but it went to shit.early on.Nobody could do it.it's beyond skeevy.mind reading.no body calls it that.they call it proxy we call it interneural...it's something nobody has any bizness playing with"
the muralist is either bored or reticent.he doesnt mean it.a muralist assumes he is "the good guy" the artist with interface
but I cant make waves ...
 ....besides the usual complications of internueral.Our Men just got bored all jim did was smoke cigs,weed,watch porn and paint.to get thru this boring time our men began creating "stories" to get him out of the house.and sgt phillip wanted to see if he could for instance 'go both ways"..stuff like that.we thought it was good fun.we weren't really putting ourselves in his shoes.you know having implants,being unable to take this stuff off,also him not really not really really having any idea what was going on

.
and what did Dactology who inserted the OTHER WIRE in 1994 think of all this-
ust more crazy jimbis i suppose."
and he did begin going crazy
he THOUGHT HE WAS HEARING VOICES
so naturally we thought ..well that he was hearing voices.
you see we didnt think of ourselves as voices
and presumably neither did proxy.who we gather thought the same thing about themselves in 94.nor did they think an intrusion such as "mind reading" could drive anyone mad.especially if the recipiant hadnt ..given his permission to have this be done
and
now it was happening
uh TWICE.."
 we couldnt take the routine teeth brushing,egg cooking,he also chews very loudlyand uses too much hot water.nor does he recycle.
well said the chairman while you were  making up stories for jimbis .and sunsequently driving him mad  did anyone even bother following what Proxy was "sharing" with Jimbis?
cause it seems to me that while sgt riley was playing damien lewis  and you all were telling him ghost stories
gary rainy was essentially giving jimbis the schematics of the entire dact and proxy model"
Yes we kind of missed that.we got carried away,but he did write bits and pieces of his experience on facebook when he wasnt drunk or stoned..actually he posted videos songs pertaining to the experience.it means nothing any of it...
but maybe he was writing in code.
Jesus christ .why didnt anyone just tell him what the fuck was happening.
"top secret i thoguth you said"
"I told you to tell him it was top secret"
we did,several times"
IN PERSON you idiot.As far as jimbis is concerned he's sort of just hearing voices.

AND THAN you KNOW what Happened...i guess the pressure got to him and he sort of.,,


.."saw the face of god and all that",,the real thing that dactology explains at the end of the ...course,
"Moving on<:.a vote to rid the world of pennies"

                                   FILE  DEBRIEF ETHAN ANDERSON age 32 OLIVE VIEW UCLA
                                   {  DECLASSIFIED.}admitted sept 4 2008.found bleeding from a "self inflicted " wound to abdomen,spoke of  Communion with terrestrial beings.A routine arrest was interrupted by a dozen or more blackbirds that perched upon Ethan shoulders and Officer Randy Craig's chest.The other 5 officers overheard this exchange between Ethan and Craig
CRAIG:why u go fuckin with that shit ...you can't fuck with this shit

ETHAN:
sometimes i am terrified of them.but never afraid.Do you know what i mean?
CRAIG
Yes
ETHAN
 they always bring me back.No matter how bad it gets.They always bring me back.I am always a better man.

finding Mr Anderson's injuries superficial Police transported him to the West Hollywood Station where Officer Reisler conducted a standard interview to determine Mr Anderson's mental state and liability concerning his public disturbance.

...ANDERSON-(concerning the matter of "terrestrials")
a certain amount of trust has developed between us.respect even.theres interneural ,which i don't like and theres this quantum thru all time work

this work of ours has nothing  to do with Proxy{where Ethan works as a Janitor) Proxy is making  a version.but there's something that isn't a version and it doesnt like what proxy is going to do.what it is doing now.After a 2o minute diatribe  of this sort,mostly gibberish Mr Anderson ate a Turkey sandwhich ,,2  orange sodas and than fell into a sound sleep

Ethan was than taken to UCLA hospital Besides taking a run for the door "because he needed nicotine" there were no violent or agressive actions on Mr Anderson's part.His admittance for a 3 day hold at the Crisis center was merely routine.

do you think someone is communicating with you telepathicallydoyousometimesfeelasifyourebeingwatchedormanipulateddoyourthoughtssometimesfeelasiftheyrenotyourowndoyouknowwhereyouarerightnowwhoisthepresidentoftheunitedstatesdoyoueverhearvoicesdoyouseethingsdoyoueverfeelasifsomeonehastakenoveryourbodyiwillsaythreewordstoyoucanyourepeatthembackworldorangeumbrelladoyoufeellikehurtingyourselfdoyoufeellikehurtingsomeoneelsedoyouknowwhatdayitis

"practice preachin"" with Brother Tallis

 

i cannot use the term proxy
or the proxy logo
nor am i to ever mention proxy
or reveal my past associations with prox.
but i do like the whole "group " thing
i like the.chain of command .and I like wearing ties.
i even bought a sweater vest.
"If you"re not with us you're against us"
can go both ways.

i will begin my own group.
i will also go to the streets.although prox thinks i am too undisciplined .and immature.they did at least say I was contageous.
a blight.
they called me but i have heard them call others worse.
i guess i cant use the term perishables either.

i will carry on some of the traditions.and styles I picked up.from my fellowship
they like me are contageous.
I will always carry a little of them inside me.
and I share my "blight"with my comrads..."all of my friends,all of my friends"

...
One of my traveling companions idolizes this Physical Beauty and all that it embodies
Brother Tallis is an attractive man but finds himself "in SwooN"
 at the gym
"you know the type"he says."it isnt just their looks ,it's their entire persona."

 I tell brother Tallis,"Yes.I know the type.The Gelin' like a felon "type.I appreciate this sort the way i appreciate a statue at a museum or public park.
but i certainly don't want this statue..to somehow get off his mantel and set precedence or worse start telling people what to do.or that we must be like him.and this model of perfection that you gape at....

"Oh" Tallis shouts,"you're just jealous."

He has not been on my path,so I allow such backtalk
."But no",a voice says in my heart
and I punch him in the stomach
once he has  has recovered from the blow I rub the top of his head to show no ill will,no malice.
I continue,
"jealous.No.I have seen the New Way first hand brother,There is a disease which comes with this beauty.this alpha type.this high cheekbone ,slim wife of his that only buys gluten free.and "yell/smiles" at her mexican maid,this maid who can't afford gluten anything..Never be envious of that type again brother!
that type has had thousands of years on top of the hill.
Enough.
.look not at false idols.if you see "a gellin felon" at the gym feel free to picture a collar around his neck.he will wear one soon enough
.For during  the First days of the End's Beginningwe  will wipe scum such as this off the New World's surface. forever.
Oh the Power we have given these People! exomorphs.extroverts.the pretty girls who develope nasty smiles that remain permanant lipstick on their faces for life .This is who we follow .who we gaze at.who we feel less than?or these Sportysport  men you crumble  for .men with the same permanant lipstick snears as their queen bee bitch counter parts,they are the same species of cunt.the same species who shout "faggot " from cars while their future wives yell yip yip yip lifting their blouses over their heads, leaning out of cars.this is who rules the world NOT FOR LONG brother Tallis
they have whiter teeth
yes
but their teeth arent sharp
they cant go wild enough to leap
to leap like a mentally ill cheetah
released on probation
rasied on shit food with chemicals and grease ANd GLUUUTen
not square plates with carmalized white asparagus Brother Tallis.

funny that I recieved little guff when discussing the technological aspects of Proxy's(The Group)

communication Process.lately interneural interface

but in the last week i have begun to dwell (and talk) much more about the Divine  aspects of Proxy's Inferstructure and teachings.and this has forced me into  much more of a defensive mode.Is proxy a religion or a corperation.People ask.It's a Question that jumble me up.

it is what it is

.also my talk of The Forces seems to scare Liam

.He says my eyes get funny when I speak of it.

He fears, he says that I will not "come back"..He seems to think I "am gone"

I stop my pacing .I have an idea how i "come off" to him

 and this idea collides with a tear coming down Liam's face.

and suddenly I feel like tearing up as well.

one feeling leads to another

.I think of Liam"s true concern for my "sanity"

  thought come.too fast 

 my mother

.my father

.not as 'symbols" but as real people.

I think about how I have written about them "in my story"

collateral damage .

  symbols. cues .as "bianary data" to clear my head.and soul

I have been so removed from emotion and warmth since so much of this began last spring.and even before.I am close with no one now.Only the Forces.

I stop myself.

Before I "regress"

Liam called Proxy 's methods into question.How he said they were not benevalent .and .how they manipulate people

"why shouldnt they manipulate.Why shouldnt they try to alter me?Did you read "the blog " as you call it from the beginning?Did you read how I wrote about my family.My "friends"I was crueler than. i had to be broken .to be fixed again!I was all too willing to code-ify and simplify my ties with humanity into symbols and a series of ones and zeroes."

yes .

a secret .rather swarmy voice comes in my ear shot "everything all at once .everything all  at once"WHAT  IS your automatic thought  RIGHT NOW

whatever it is.Never give in to prolonging a delicate,loving thought that has passed it's experation.(although it might have been good .and WARM.It will become UNREAL and FALSE if you milk it.if you try to pretrend you can HOLD IT longer than you really can.DO NOT CONFUSE  your FELLOWMAN with FALSE SEEMINGS.

 FEW will survive.

butTHE ANIMAL MAN.The caVEman.Go deeper to that core ..NO fAlse manners or lies of how "human" you are...better to be thought a criminal than carrying on further Lies

better to BE a criminal than

ACT

"the whole world is now actors.Nobody knows what they are .what's going to happen when something happens.and nobody knows INSTINCT"

"who put this shit in your head," he says

"Fuck this"I say putting my coat on.IN sarcastic crazy style I say "space aliens told me dumbass"

"I wouldnt go out when youre like this..."

I take my coat off or half off,thinking he might want to ,I don't know be informed maybe.

"now.If everyone is acting.How will I know .or how will you know who you don't want for lack of a better term "left behind?Why would I throw myself in front of some wigger meth freak to save your ass when the End Begins if i can't tell if you're you or acting like you think a human should act.and where did you learn this way of being.of acting.""

Liam literally throws up his hands.I am "crazy".Proxy has put words in my head.He wants me back to the nice guy i was.

ör was that an actJimbis?"

Probably Liam.probably."But give me a bit of credit for not being so nice than"

Oh I always did .I always did.""he says in some faggot sitcom tone that means nothing."

But he is satisfied.it sounded good.it sounded like something someone would say on tv.

and like Tv I slam the door.

I have to get out of here.