"you are a child in The Process
it's a beginning.
it's no big thing
certainly not something to waste hours typing and writing about
the only people who may understand a word of this know everything about this
"everyone has "things"
it's just how we go about letting the snow shake off our shoes when we go inside
do you shake them wildly and get ice and water over everything and everyone.
you don't want to get the snow in the next room,"Valerie says

"does everyone  talk like a fruitcake when "they're finished"I ask

"the way you're going I don't think you'll ever know"she said nor ever
be
finshed


"i am trying" I say.

"Trying what? trying to screw around with things you don't understand"she says

"they're screwing with me Paul,you don't get it.I never asked for this shit,"I say"I was perfectly happy or happy enough before this,now all I get is.."

"is what it is Little brother"

"you can't even fly man,didn't they promise flying and shit in the beginning?"

"they only do that to dumb people I heard,promise flying and stuff"

"is that so?"

"they don't like you writing this shit online,and misrepresenting everything,Think of them as the Old Testament types."

"oh don't worry bout it my Brother I see what they can do,trust me."

"and you make it tit for tat,is what I heard"

"i can't deal with it,I "ve began taking pills again"

"they told you not to"

"they're fair,"I say

"you're not,"Paul says ,"ever".

"i didnt ask for this"

"you did ,quite specifically,it is noted"

"why you talkin all religious and shit like some poem person,what is this?"

"gentleness.why do you pretend you don't like it.

"shut up shut up  shut up,I am so sick of talking .I am actually banging the side of my head hurting it.listening and listening to this nothing this nothing for years from my family from everyone .i am losing my mind i dont work now i dont paint .i dont care..i can't deal with dealing with..people just to .....survive it's a disgusting thing.I'd rather be dead.i am serious. my problems are financial,if I had enough money I could go away from  I am old.now I am fed up.I am a loser ."

"you expect me to say careful what you wish for.you expect us to give you money

"shut up.can't you see why i've turned into this.somethings are fucking made.sometimes there is no way out.
"don't worry Jimbis no way out ,no money  will be forthcoming .you have costed the "agency ' a small fortune with that whatever his name is shit"

"you do understand that to a certain degree i have absolutely no god damn idea what you're talking about nor did i than.it was minutes.it was minutes. of a day!

'to a certain degree yes.but that is all,why did you do that to him"

"are you out of your fucking mind!"

"who writes like that about someone ,really"

"i suppose i do.I suppose by the time this somebody came along I had fucking lost all sense of how to speak let alone fucking "graph" to anyone.one thousand pardons..

"take it down"

"what"

"everything you have written on the computer.it is filth and sickness."

"YES  YES it is.we agree on something.it is what happens when someone goes that down.I wrote it for people who have been there or are there now.oh fuck dont i wrote it as a cry for help BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD TO think that way,oh shit paul dont get me talkin REAL here.HERE we ONLY SPEAK PROXY

"i won't I can't i dont know why.it took some work putting it up there.
besides he sorta wants it up there."

"you think?"

"i think .yes I do.I am not as dumb as you think."

"you are dumber.that is your only saving grace"

"OK than save me"

"we are kind of in the middle with that,this saving bizness,it can really go either way"

"oh and what is the opposite of being saved"

"it is not what you think."