Cole >week 36

Keep it to yourself.

(I would have)

But not “in the future”

Where/when

It will not be possible

Will I discuss publicly

That as a child for instance

I compulsively

Masturbated

Rubbing up against this and that

Before I even knew

What I was doing

Or

What the term masturbation referred to

I guess I did it to simply feel “good”

Or to not feel bad.

?

 

There was a shame to it ..

Strange there was a shame before

Before even I knew

It was

Wrong.

 

Much like the shame  of doing drugs

Like I do now

To feel good

Or to not feel bad

 

I pounded my head  with my fist

 A habit

I now even did in the streets

 

I am not a particularly good person

My sickness aside

 

I don’t know why

I care if I exist

 

I believe in god

 ..

I didn’t before.

Before this

 

I didn’t need to.

I sort of agree with The New Way’s “no pathology”

“no excuses”

I DON”T THINK

OR

FEEL RIGHT

 

I never did

I am aggressive

I am Mean

 I am cold

 I am careless

 I have tics

These tics are also in my mind

I can’t explain …

But Going against my Mentors

 I do not believe that what one thinks

“goodness”  or Has much to do with a person’s

“personhood”

..

As in

Being one

With the world

And wishing no ill will toward It

Or my fellowmen

I am not even hateful towards my mentors

Who have tried their best

Thank goodness Lisa had left the plates unwashed
and there was something to occupy my mind beside
Cole's endless "reverie"