"MACY SAID I COULD mAYBE ,JUST MAYBE WRITE OF SOME OF MY ...UH DEALINGS WITH .....THE......with let's call them space aliens  SHE SAYS..you see jimbis one should never reveal one's sourse when writng a screenplay
one must keep it to oneself
she had been treating me nicer since i've been reduced,givning me an enamal pen with refillable cartridges
"dont write directly on line is all i'm saying.from now on no computer since youve been reduced you're no longer capable of taking care of yourself. Rainy's original teachings  were alot more strict on matters of the UNRESOLVABLE problem.he of course believed that unresolvables even when they pass away return with ENROT..that was before more modern times jimbis before we had the Beam.it's good to be a boy again isnt it jimbis.you were never really a man anyway.you said you were a puppet jimbis thats why youre going to wear shortpants and suspenders.like pinochio.at least when you're on the ward."
and it is true, as punishemnt for what i had said to evan at the Forum i have to  wear brown shoes and little shorts with big buttons and a bow tie.in the colors of disney.i look like a fool but macy said it's good i know that i look a fool cuz i made everyone around me feel the same way putting everyone into jepardy becasue =i didnt care about anyone but myself ,"not about proxy or the Proxeteers or the shareholders or anyone but jimbis jimbis jimbis thru the entire training period
ïs that what you call it you cunt a training period ?a tiny wedge of thought all but smothered by my reduction is snuffed out by a sharp pain to my left arm.another less sharp vibration goes to my mouth .a Beam induced  trigger of my 2nd facial nerve causes me to smile.and it is frozen.the beam is a new thing that proxy is using and testing.it is for control i think but also ..
"REDUCTIVES shouldnt think about things they dont understand.it's a small form of leverage of reward.you see little man. A face should be in tandum with what a person is really like inside.if a person is ugly inside.we will make him ugly outisde.if a person is beautiful inside we will make him so on the outside as well.one day it wont be facial nerves and compressors it will be something else,this is the beginning,there are so many things we can do.some things nobody knows.Pappa Rainy has thought of all this before  and now it's all slowly coming through.one day IT WILL BE just like the real real pinochio   everyone  will live forever and ever.Not everyone .the right ones.You jimbis will never be a right one but we have plans for you too.
i feel a pinch ,a tingle ,on the back of my head and a small pinch.suddenly my face contourts
into a tight mask
even my eyes are frozen
should i get out the mirror Jimbis.oh you dont want to see.,she laughs ,oh you don't want to see.
stop stop i say although it is difficult to say anything
there is a cracking in my palate and the sides of my cheeks hurt.
she threatens to bring the mirror up to me but instead just snaps a picture.
another tingle through the back of my head and my facial muscles relax.
i feel another wave pass through me .i dont so much feel the wave as i feel the change in my mind .I am suddenly for no reason happy ,i feel younger than i am ,I like my short pants and suspenders
 "am good.am i good at all"Hugging myself ,rocking back and forth fishing for kisses from my New Mother
No.,she says kissing me,ÿou are not good at all.you are unresolvable.
"than why dont you just kill me"I giggle ,pulling at strands of her long blonde hair
"we might jimbis"she says going through the ritual of tucking me in,since my run in with Evan i now sleep in a smaller bed that the carpenters made into a deep crib."
she turn on a small night lite and begins unfording blankets and bright colored sheets
she knows since my reduction sometimes i am scared of everything,and i like stories before sleep.
she hasnt any books but  speaks to me about the new things proxy is working on as if it were a fairy tale
 "when we do kill you.you wont really be dead , we will make you into a hologram ,with all your pain thresholds intact and more so"
i want soda iwant soda i am thinking and thinking ,ignoring her story
She reads her phone."no soda before bed jimbis,you know the rules,come on lets put on your nice pajamas they have little feet paddings.and little cowboys on them.
 we will make you into a living functioning hologram you see,and than we will change you into things.and shapes a bug sometimes.maybe a little pig.or maybe a package of bologne.
I haVE BEEN DIMMED DOWN i FEEL THE LITTLE SPLINTS THRU MY BRAIN.BUT SOMETIMES THESE TINY TINGLES MAKE ME EUPHORIC ,HAPPY.I AM CLAPPING MY HANDS AS SHE PUTS THE PAJAMA TOP OVER MY HEAD
"my pain levels will be intact"I laugh and clap.so glad i remebred what she had siad earlier
"And raised"she says" raised to the highest levels possible.so for instance if we make you into the holographic form of a salami sandwhich and someone bites into it you will feel the pains of a million burning suns"
Í clap and I clap
I wanna be a sandwhich when you can do those things ,can you do those things now
we are working day and night day and night to do all sorts of wonderful things to people or non people just like you.thats why we like and we dont like you writing on the computer all those things..showing your hate to mankind .and your arrogance and coldness at the same time.also your horrible thoughts towards Proxy Corp and the world and nation 
..but you know what little Jimbis we also love love love it.for we are making you more famous each day for being the most horrible type of man that no one should ever know ever again in the world"
I am smiling and clapping hoping she goes on with her story
"änd when we finally can turn you into a hologram ,and get all the pain levels at their peak,we can do all sorts of algebraic things to you to increase your pain to almost infinity.people can come and pay and watch you split and divide into a million pieces,and will know each division is as painful as a bite of a sandwhich you will be screaming like the screams of a million suns"
there will be charts and tv screens .and moniters with reading .and there you will be .Living TV,you will look like just random dots and plasma spinning and breaking apart.but no.
your whole dreadful personality will be stored and reassimilated into those dividing equations.you will be fullconscious thrrough out,we will make sure of it



that it why we are treating you with such care...all sorts of people you have met have been set in your life.
from the time you were so so little jimbis.and all your real thoughts were recorded.every  lie every rotten thing you ever thought .did you know .they knew .even than they had little devices just like mine "to know,"isnt that wild jimbis "she said picking me up like a baby
I WANT SODA IWANT SODA PLEASE
That you voluntary wrote all those terrible thoughts on the computer was just a party favor for the main show,while we were reading your sick mind with The Beam as you like to call it.this interneural nonsense youve been writing about online even when we told you to stop.all the while we were making you into a Brand  a Hologram,but you won't fly or sing .or just be light and sound.a ghost.You will be even more alive than you are now.with higher pain thresholds and
AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE WILL UNREDUCE YOU TOO AND MAKE YOU SO SO SMART SO NOT ONLY WILL YOU FEEL THE PAIN BUT YOU WILL BE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU DESERVED EACH AND EVERYBIT OF IT ALL THROUGH TIME.like i said we can make you into anything,a n insect,a dog,a woman,and in each and every so called carnation of yourself you will be the same miserable son of a bitch who single handedly tried destroying this project
Evan walked in and grabbed macy by the arm
Jesus Macy why are you telling HIM this.he'll write it online
good.he will be an example for the all of all time as what not to be..

Macy pushes me onto the bed ,"That,little man is How WE do it in dixie""

she pinches hard the afixed smile to my face caused by the BEAM striking the 6th facial nerve towards the back of my head.
a beep had gone off on her phone",she reads,ïs that what you call it you cunt"
hmm jimbis.I sure hope we dont need to do another reduction.
one more reduction and i dont even think you'll be allowed to even be considered grown enough for intercourse.and those nasty hands still cant seem to get enough of touching that filthy thing of yours.
she reaches her hand don my pants.Little boy.little boy indeed.now sit up straight and let's bring you into the playroom
we'll set up a nice chair and some crayons and some pens and you can write your stories
you like writing your stories dont you jimbis

.my apartment on Prox corp grounds is part of Prox's New horizons facility.it's seperate rooms ,we're still locke din at night .i have no access to a computer.nor do any haprings.but nobody else has to wear supenders or short pants,I thought the reduction was bad enough but It seems i will never be punished enough for "telling
ÿou should be happy jimbis that we are encouraging you to still be creative,to still "give it a go"with your writing maybe some nice children's books.or comics.maybe how being a little less intellectual has helped and not hurt your emotional outlook"
she knows i am confused.
How about a nice adventure story she says giving me a cookie,no boring sad stories of hollywood or baddies at scientific laboratories.or companies.thats'a no -no.say it with me before i give you this pen jimbis"
that's a no no"
thats'no no"
maybe some stories about new kings and new queens and treasures and paradises and love and soldiers
cops?i ask
no.no cops
cops arent involved in proxy .thats bad
or hospital workers.
or anyone else like that do you understand.
proxy as far as your concerned is a tiny kingdom of helpers .helpers all alot smarter than you
are we nice to you jimbis
do we help you smile when we can and give you nice clean sheets and clean clothes and smiles
cops and holywood are a no no jimbis
say it with me and you can have the pen
cops and hollywood a no no

good jimbis write me something wonderful,like a king and queen reigning over a beautiful smiling empire of kisses  butterflies and flowers
she puts on a disk .an old show she says her and her sister loved.as kids.the women appear as a little bigger than real sized people and the colors on their skin are a tiny bit orange.the colors of the sets and flowers somehow fit better than you wouldthink in my tiny room
"condensed"Macy says ,now more interested in the skin tones than me,
she is half smiling on the phone ,while tinkering with the gadget that has caused these tall singers to appear.
they are an after thought it seems(i am proud that i remmebr a difficult word ..afterthought)but know i wont remembr it .macy seems a bit angry that i am not looking at the women .i know theyre not real.she sort of dances to the music,walking right through them.it is silly,the music is too loud.
"this is the style of the times Jimbis" the girls have tight buns and are wearing streamlines nice blue outfits
let this sink in.she touches me like i am a baby,patting my hair,
let your stories be as sweet as this

she mutes the girls i begin my "nicer"" stories
i try writing about these new kings and queens  and flowers and beauty but
that resistance in me erupts

ï'm erupting ïm erupting i tell macy.should  i write it down my eruption?
NO abSOLUTELY not .thats what we must get away from,that WAS the style of the times and look who it made.it made YOU.and dont keep those feeling inside either.just say
""CHIM CHIM CHEERIO"
i feel stupid ,I cant.
say CHIM CHIMCHEERIO.and those bad feeling ,that enrot will be gone,I swear,it's scientific.
NO! I yell
"she grabs the pen"SAY it ,(she points to the camera above)or SOMEONE might think that JIMBIS might need anothe reduction...besides she says it works,please,please just try
CHIM CHIM CHEERIO i say
and see ..she points to things in the air.
and I see them
little bits of brown smog like air coming out of my mouth
äre these part of the Magic garden girls the 3D TV People?I ask
No NO NO.thats real enrot  coming out of you ,she say"'CHIMCHIMCHEERIO!and here's a cookie for KNOWING with out knowing what is real
CHIMCHIMCHEERIO
she sings handing me back my pen,leaving the room
should i keep it a squeak opened?she says
leave it ajar
dont say ajar jimbis.",she smiles""people will think youre trying to be something
being nothin is the best think of all
Fuuuuuuuck you i hear my mind say before i can stop it
and I feel the  VIBRATION OF THE SCAN GO TICKLY briefly through myCORTEX.A LASER SO SO SO TInY dR f SAID THAT IT DOESNT REALLY SEVER BUT..(it's like reverse MRI or Xray but little adjustmenmtärrangements are rayed back into the brain sometimes so subtle)
stop thinking those things JIMBIS"" Macy yells ,my quick thought "fuck you"has obviosuly  appeared on her telephone.The day has just begun and already youre not off to a good start.bad words.bad thoughts ït's like thinking of Poo or flossing.it's digusting.but i know it cant be helped SOMETIMES
think of CHIMeeeeroonies and Flowers and clouds and the sun
I'll leave the girls on,maybe it'll give you some ideas about New Worlds ,New stories.




i write in my journal.and i write on little bits of cardboard that i hide away.



 Lady Handbag he calls her and the husbands name is Mohamed but David calls him MO.

Moe ,"she whispers,"he doesn't like saying ,softer,Mo-ha_med on the phone ,or even outloud. Well Moe and this Lady handbag are like the King and Queen of the Countryclub scene in this really good part of where ever it is.iraq iran one of those places.what does it matter?well this lady handbag i guess just thought she was like all american..and had all these aspirations of like opening this boutique or something .i can just see her.younng pretty.probably married for money,spending her days reading magazines.very rich David says.both of them ,he's in communications OVER there.Yes brenda she says, rolling her eyes "they have tv and communications in THOSE places .well she has just got to make something of herself.you know ,like Patty with those god awful cermaic vases .well this chick goes all out ,"megan pauses"no I dont know if she wears a burka.what does it matter.there IS you know a point to to this story ...anyway she goes all out creating and developing and producing these Handbags.and than wouldnt you know .Poof.it's september 2001.and Opps.imagine nobody  no longer gives a shit about some arab pricess types gift to high fashion.serves her right dontcha think.Those people.Do you know what i mean?

No brenda the middle east is anything but poor.DO YOU even read a newspaper?and I didnt mean anything prejudice when i said "Those people.you read into every little thing.some of them are beautiful and have lovely skin.anyway lady Handbag ,"whispering "Mohammad's wife.Moe's wife

well.long story short.she goes into like instant depression and they run and find some american like Doctor to give her all these pills.yes they have pills like that in iraq too I suppose..

well,in no time she's like dead plain addicted ,like some crazy  episode of celebrity rehab she tries all this stuff to get off them,detox,a treatment center,she just can't get off these pills.so she's in a i guess another facility or doctor office and comes across the arabic translation of Gary Rainy's  ENWAYS
and she's like overcome or something .and needs to find this man,this Rainy.so next thing you know Lady handbag and  MO are off on a plane

to England.I dont know why england,i suppose there are Dactology offices in England is all
and who do you think happens to be there demonstrating Proxy Nano .."another interuption
"yes brenda! i guess some of THEM are allowed on planes,really ,just who is out of the loop here? me or you.
well david is of course "not one of them," but as you know being in Proxy he has ties to Dactology and the next thing you know Evan is in england,he sees the dough and the oppurtunity,as did david bring him aboard
Mo was of course was charmed by my david and in no time they were thick as peas

 . In a week she 's off the pills and has "seen the light ' or something  suddenly lady handbag can careless for handbags but just likes goes all Gary rainy dactology.Her husband seeing the change in his wife  gets even more involved and smitten.and that's where David steps in,seeing an oppurtunity .you know david.always looking for oppurtunity.they spend a week in London,discussing ENWAYS and the Process.David who could sell ice to eskimoes insists  that the process might work really well if it was tweaked a bit to go with some of "you know", their teachings,not entirely ,but a bit..a hybrid,he's just putting it out there.it's a backward country.everyone knows that,communication is the key both evan and david and Mo agree ..and he thinks maybe he can get them some of the software. some Nano.and i'm sure lady handbag just is dying to be progressive ,you know the type,imagine her showing off her headset at a function instead of some damn earrings.

could you imagine proxy going global?
our problems would be solved.david could finally relax,the money would just come rolling in

when i go out i can dress in street clothes.here it's this pinochio outfit.
in the quad there is a stock a laughing stock .literally.
i was put into it 3 days in a row.
i have also seen grown men in suits put into it
it is the New Way too i guess
.for evryone
not just those that have been reduced
i am allowed out everyother tuesday and on thursdays
i see XPROX stickers around the church where i go for pineconeman meetings
supposedly theyre AA meetings but there 's wink and a nod when i enter that told me i went to the right place
i practice drawing in the Neww Way for the cameras and for Macy who is my New Mother for my Steps Towards RESOLUTION
at the same time writing about XPROX on the cardboard
Ham seems to be the head of the operation Ham somehow short for Mohammad  the first Cybs club
he also refers to Proxy as mk ultra.
OPeratiON Charly Gordon.
flowers for alegernon
we were the mice
 boy i sure am moving up in the fuckin world.pinecone meetings for artists who have had to sell their work dirt cheap exposing their awful backstories for peanuts.
(did i meantion liz has been written about for making a gorgeous peant unicorn in the presegious Pinecone Perrenial of Poutsider artists,her dealer now pays her literally with peanuts,both hulled and unhulled to keep up her momentum
when she complains she would prefer real money her dealer gives her a glass of milk and a scolding that she's not a fine artist,she's a primitve.her work is even more "special" he says. like her.
"special " people dont really need money
peanuts are fine
and who is Liz to say anything different
after all her art was inspired by the fact that she lived with an uncle who molested her throughout high school.
her dealer felt it best she kept on living their ,"otherwise" the art would be inauthentic
it made sense
if you really thought about it
as long as one didnt think about it too long

well
besides going to my weekly Pinecone meeting I now meet bi weekly with the first Cybs Club
most of them schizophrenics
who see and hear things
but also a few who dont quite fit the bill
people who were targeted in the mid 90's by Proxy Corp to become
human guinie pigs for a new type of communication
you can usually tell who is who
the schizoid set having a rather different glean in their eyes
to the more fear ful caught in headlights look to those Taken""
so we have made agreements with Joan of Arc (or st joan ) cathedral to let the group be divided.
the schizophrenics and the pseudo schizophrenics in two adjacent rooms.
we've both been driven crazy by extra sensory overload,perhaps permantly.the only difference
really is that they can take medications to thwart their "REading" and we cannot

nobody in our group knows exactly how proxy works
we are all long past being both PROCESSED and quieted
many of us have lost every thing we ever had .or aspired to get
the problems are not only interior
we are still being used
that it seems is our only function

for one of the functions of the new communications
is television.
and symbols
unfortunately much of this symbiotic interface  must have been proposed at a time when there were much more limited programs.and or visual import
for instance i have heard
suppose you get your hair cut.and you dont like it.it's a specific hair cut.let's say a bowl cut

now this hair cut is very much on your mind
than you walk by and see another person with the very same haircut
you feel a connection to him immediately.you maybe look at hima little longer.
"what"i hear myself say.
but i need something.i need something to "play "during this meeting.something vaguely subversive,something out of my current ability of thought.
something to keep the Proxetteers busy
i had learned early on how one can both listen ,think and project at the same time,often it was thru song.
i had memorized the song Macy's hologirls had sung.i could pitch my mind to play that for the proxeteers who knew i did this when i was nervous repeat and repeat things just as the NCIA had taught me
everything i learned to get this far
trust me thinking of Brick walls a la villiage of the damned wasnt going to cut it
and it sure as fuck wasnt any easier bering reduced
nor wearing a pinochio outfit ina locked ward
but ás snogged as my witness I hadnt come this far to bag it now"
but it was getting difficult
all through the XPROX meeting i had to sing internal songs,think about AA meetings and hope that the others at least knew something of interneural blocking techniques to even be here.
i looked around for "spys"people who werent double thinking.
PROX never let anyone go.
but if their READINGS were neutral enough they often "took a night off"
that's why the taking of drugs such as tranquilizers or mood stablizers was out of the question,PROX wanted to know every glitch and pitch of the brain wave

repeating helped
..like an algebra problem to keep the Proxeteers off cnter
functions of the new communications
is television.
and symbols
unfortunately much of this symbiotic interface must have been proposed at a time when there were much more limited programs.and or visual import
for instance
much more reading has to take place,combing through our cortex  to "see" what  stories
and or character on televison
have "entranced" us or interest us(much much easier when there wer 3 or 4 channels)
tbut the problem was
was the Questioners.
the
UNRESOLVABLES
the Guine pigs of phase one of The New Way who had been brought in
 is that by the time one has gone "all conspiracy theory" trying to get to the bottom of this situtation
one doesnt really  make any real connection with much of anything at all.
an entire Rugby game may be playing through his visual and aural construct and all a fallen prox testee can usually think of is the goverment cheese benefits at the local food bank.so paranoid is prox with being "caught 'that they have ingeniously decided that it's testees should fall to the lowest echalon of life.so as not to stand out .or make waves.I should begin wearing my Pinochio outfit out in public i decided.
the NCIA owed me big time.I was losing it .but still i was glad to be out and my roving eye had fallen upon not only a double thinker but quite a piece of hmmmm..Ialthough i didnt really care for what he was speaking about,he was talking
"he was sayingthey follow unresovles mainly for suicide watch for although the processors are small,there are other ,more subtle variations.that are integral post humourously that ..well to make a long story short,one of the most importanyt parts of the "studies" is atopsy.(one out of 7 members of prox.dact in every field from the hosptials to the final process of the funeral home) problem has always been not but one who has been proxed has ever left enuf intact studies of how the reved up metabolism and adrenal system is "captivated" since always in a high state of tension no one can stop cigarette smoking successfully""

"what about drinking ,my name is Joe and i am an alcoholic.."he winked reminding everyone to at the same time visualized or CORALIZE a typical AAmeeting while we discussed Proxy and anti Proxy concerns

"Can we keep on topic" Liz says,Liz from the Pinecone group who supposedly.has also been Proxed.I dont believe her I just think she likes the air conditioning and the apple fritters Ham makes  specifically for the group.
Ham is a strange one.
very intense.
he doesnt speak much
he sits with his arms folded.
he brought his wife once
and she was wearing a birka
several memebers left the room.
like i said conspiracy theory ,once it gets in it seems to know no bounds.
Ham said he was proxed in 1996.he's an american althought middle eastern ,he was in Hollywood
(up to "no good"(queer?) he snuck off from his parents he  was visiting UCLA dental depeartment,snuck away from the Ramada
met an Italian or something
and they went to his hotel room(the italian)
"you italian?"the italian asked Ham
"yes" said Hammod who indeed looked italian and not middler eastern aLL,knowing this when ham went on his "seeking" looking for some"some some"he usually called himself Tony.
the next morning Ham woke up
altered.
hearing voices
beginning the Process
it didnt take long for proxy to realize that Tony wasnt a Tony
but Mohhamand (or Ham)as he called himself
i could see in his eyes that he was in a different boat than the rest of us.
he sat up straight
he dressed better.
He didnt smoke
i was suspiscious of Ham and his strangely dressed wife,i would say i was like..whats it called
uh
hmm.racist but ..well i just didnt like it
they seemd too upright too something
like they ran the place cause they were taller ,and beautiful and made not storee bought treats for the group.but those fucking fritters.
i didnt know they had apple fritters in Arabia or whatever they came from
Ham like had this gilded way of speaking.gilded was a word Liz used
she was in love with Ham althought he was obviously marreid
AND GAY
wasnt that why he was proxed to begin with years ago.looking for dick around vine st.according to him?
he was the only one of us who had finished college
he knew more about the "system" proxy has put in us than we could imagine
"moreso than they even have on youtube"Liz said ,after a meeting."he's like all of google and youtube and even books on cybernetics combined"
'whatever Liz,go make him into a peanut sculpture"
I was saving that for xmas.how'd you knwo"
I had known her now for 5 weeks ,where was my peanut sculpture?"
I dont trust this Ham .I dont think he's been Proxed.
he's probably
up to something.,that kind always is
"Prejudiced asshole"Liz said
"peanut princess poutsider pushover"
Rememebring she was living with her uncle ,who still molesteded her ,i stopped the teasing,and although it was against my nature I put my arm around her"
I dont trust Ham i said
ham,hammod,ahmod,people with names like that.
"he said proxy probably thought he was italian"
I dont know liz,maybe we have this all wrong what this proxy really is.
and i heard group like his often wire money or something or other money into all sorts of things.could you imagine what like arabics and shit could do with proxy techniques?"
you watch too much tv"
i am watched by too much tv you mean"
keep talking like that and you'll be sitting in the atrium room with no apple fritters.
you callin gme a true schizophrenic..because i can tell yous tories'
I'm just saying you have some kind of THING with Ham,I think youre attracted to him
i was.i had to admit it.was I.
yes jimbis you are a voice that seems like my own says.i am.yes I must be.
i asked Liz if i could give him the peanut Mohhamod peanut sculpture to him myself at the nest meeting and say it was from me.
I thought you have no feelings jimbis isnt that the company line at prox?
"plllleeeeez,they read what they want
she was making me angry ,as if deliberately causing a spike to cause Macy to..
but it wasnt that difficult altering my spike to that which macy ran from
for Mohhamad or Ham or whatever he called himself was causing a bit of a spike himself.yesyesoh yes jimbis ooo yesCHIm CHIMCHEERIO
these meeting (these AA,meeting,or smoking cessation meetings) were the only unchaperoned time we had
we. us  all these babyish terms to hide the frankensteiness of it all
what was i called now that i had been REDUCED a hapern.a halfwit .a what.there were more made up fuckingterms at Proixat the same time i'm thinking i want soda i want soda i am hot.i hate sitting next to people anything to keep my graph consistent with the descipcable style  they read me as.
it reminded me of my parents.they see you one way.think of you one way.treat you one way and that is often what you grow into
oh god.i cant even finish that thought there is indeed something to being reduced.what good did all those years of thinking that bookish horseshit get me .
but .
Macy likes being called a New Mother .or a big sister.certainly not a puppeteer she can be genuinely tender.and removes herself from what she calls "hazing""
boys will be boys.
but these arent boys pushing me around  at the center
my reduction has made me appear even more lost than usual.
i either appear as a child.or a vagrant
every 70 minutes there is a fluctuation in my steadfastness nerve and  sensability.the small tingling on the base of my skull.(THE DIMMER)in CASE ONE WISHES TO eSCAPE,
there are sudden and disarming changes to my countenance from the BEAM
i can appear suddenly frightful.or simply frightened all in the course of 2 minutes.
"the reigns " Evan calls it.
something THEY dont even talk about

chips that can actually alter one's appearance simply by locking nerves in segmental order.
Supposedly currently being incorperated secretly into the PROCESS
as the ultimate means of control

who thinks of these things?  ( proxy corp.your world is ours.)
.i dreaded going back to the center
'I had made a scene at the conference,sitting there like an idiot on that stage for 2 hours suddenly I yelled"make me a real boy make me a real boy ghepeto "he shrugged it off explaining it as further proof to the audience why i needed to be reduced
he struck me afterward while Macy watched.ÿou wanna be a fuckingbaby .we'll make you a baby  you god damn douchebag"

they took the bed out of my room and put in an oversized crib,making me dress like pinochio,and other things i cant let myself remember
ÿou wantëd to act out ?
.you wanted to write infantile disgusting lies on the computer
.you want to be a big baby you'll be treated as such.
you must be kidding i said
the goons made damn sure i understood they werent
placing me forcibly in the crib
all the while the beam ""pressing my mouth into a full smile.
evan heard me say something about the beam""
ÿou asshole.the beam "">you dont know anything.do you understand.the beam.it's a bit more complicated than that asshole.billions were put into this and you think douchebag like you gonna go calling out the authorities on your idiot blog.WE ARE THE AUTHORITIES
try calling a cop Jimbis
try it
trust me.
trust me

one of the wards seemed to like this crib talcumpowder business a bit too much giving me the most sickening smile
when he put a small bottle forcibly in my mouth
i have little to keep me busy in that room besides holograms and fingerpaints.i dont know anymore whta is more infantile
my paintings they have made sure cant sell.for UNRESOLVABLES are known to put secret ENROT into their paintings whether they mean to or not


sometimes i think that others besides Proxy can hear me","Liz says to the group
that there might be a god who hears or another side
when this first happened i would look up at any helicoptor or so many faces looking for someone to please please stop this,
how can nobody know?
than you you start to believe you really are crazy.

BUT I LOOK AT THE FACES AROUND ME.
theres something going on"

Liz is so dramatic,i cant help but think,she's turning on the poor me bizness specifically for Ham,who she knows is gäy.i dont know if I'm just thinking of Ham sexually to keep my thoughts in TYPICAL ""for ProxY not to sense anything NEW or if this guy is really getting under my skin ,for there is definitelysomething about him
"thank you Liz,thanks for sharing ëverybody groans,keeping the form and consistancy of an AA meeting.at the end we will all hold hands i want my hand in Hams,i hear myself think,but it is confusing.I think like Evan sometimes.i want my hand in HamsI need to be close to ham
mohommad or ham or whatever he called himself,DOMED for supposedly looking like an Italian seemed to be the main
man running the meeting
i had heard these arab types tossed their money around.and that some were pretty high up at prox.i wondered why these arab types would want any part of interneural interface.
OR the Process.
it seemed from what i heard that had direct interneural to the heavens
and as for The Process.
who could get more  "processed than THEM?..
i never followed the news.even before being reduced.but i still was suspiscious of that type.
 Ham had graduated college
he wasnt at the bottom of anything
he didnt live in a half way house,a shelter or a reduction center.he lived in a real house supposedly.somewhere near the industrial section
there was a calmness to him
never at a single meeting had i heard or seen him complain about 'the Voice to Rainy's way.Or The Process.
maybe because he came from a place that had more of a strangle hold.
maybe because he was educated? maybe because "he knew without knowing"
                                                                           than  than why was he here?
                                    wasnt wanst  wasnt this a place to vent about what proxy had done to us
                                                              was this some kind of test.?
                                          it was hard to tell anymore.whowho was what.

maybe i was just prejudiced.and he did sort of look italian
he had a posture and a grace.somerhingabout him.
he always wore suits and carried himself high .
but never seemed to act as if he was above us i began thinking about soda losing track of keeping my double thinking going
I began wanting to please this Ham this mohommad i would draw better for him wholesome pictures of ducks in still water,windmills.i wanted to sit close to him.i would sit at his feet.without even speaking i knew i would do anything for him.i would learn to speak his scribbly language .i would buy a tiny prayer rug and do those little bow down chants with him.he seemed so at peace.i had heard arabs people like him had begun investing in Proxy

Not all arabs are bad.
my mind is jolting.
I dont know what i am thinking.
i hope I havent been recorded.
i have been thinking bits of things that just seem wrong.
I have a sense that Evan was not only listening but also
subtly setting my thoughts and cues for another dream at some other time
my hand is held on one side by ham and the other by liz
we are chanting the lord's prayer
but i know where my prayers are going
nowhere
nowhere at all
i hope
i hope ihope
ok sweetheart
enough!
do you understand JimBO
you're going to start adding a Arab connection to try to get someone to stop this stop ME
and I've had it.
so much for you having any restraint .Back to the homeless shelter?or maybe the streets again.

well uh oh uh oh and uh oh it be the king of cybBBBBBaspace himself.making a rare rarity call to this clusterfucl of a situation bossman tossed me into.

nice one asshole.
not let's truly get back on point you dumbass
first off..
you ain't supposed to be writing on the god damn computer ever do you understand.
you're in deep enough shit as it is.
but if you re gonna describe
the process of
delineation
of recording thoughts
of this beam as your call it being able to non intrusively make gradations of mood and thought and intelligence to the actual brain.
explain why.
"ya see scumbo we're just fiddling with you  cuz you aint supposed to be smoking.
and  B. cuz you ain't supposed to be writing !

 c.you re supposed to be like ,OH I DON"T KNOW Jim(bis)oh I don't know actually living a variance of existence.To create a somewhat balanced holographic imprint of yourself.

a life is about just a bit more than chain smoking watching TV and remembering past regrets
or moving to other towns chain smoking,hanging out in bars ,gambling and regretting past mistakes
memories have very little to do with certain people's actual self
you're a bit of a Misanthrope ,a bit of a goofball,crank.it takes all kinds .To be honest we picked you because we thought it would be easy to get rid of you without there being too much "hype"
and this is the pump dick who i must essentially bow down to,this is Drew Christie,kinfg of the wild frontier,who has twice tried to kill me,the reason i had begun trying to add the arab storyline.hmmm?oh really is this why.for who knows in this new world what is true anymore Christie huh?Proxy by any other name is what..and this is a man who holds my strings and quite literally my life in his hands .who has seen to it that my accounts were closed ,my apartment smashed,my things taken and me sent away from california because  I was an embarrassment to his MADMAN project sponcered by GOD only knows.
yeah I was the cause of the problems you son of a bitch .Drew Christie doesn't only PLAY GOD .he is god when they get you tied into this NEW WORLD
(have you calmed down you sick bastard he graphs,Sundays he is at his most calm,but believe me i pay,it's usually 2 or 3 days after such an outburst of entry when evan or linda N. read the transcripts or my neurals.And by than i have all but forgotten what it is i have done.So it's like hitting a cat or something that has no idea what the hell he did 2 minutes ago.He doesnt like my stories these days .he sorta never di but now he says i am crossing a line.I HAVE CROSSED A LINE! are you god damn kidding me.cuz if this is for bizness or defense or communications  I sure as shit aint seeing a dime of it.and that shit about making me into a hologram that will live thru all time was TOLD to ME as punishment 5 months ago for smoking too much weed or saying something mean to my mother or not trying to pick up Pool Boy or something.everything you see i do is wrong to these guys
and about Breaching this shit as far as i'm concerned it's all just some fucking Psychotic break right .yeah.so i can damn well say and type whatever the hell i want cause whose the mother fucker having to hide all this shit under boxes of pseudo lunacy for what years now.?yeah I'm crazy .certifiably when ever it's of damn conveniance to you.
and pardon Me Christie if my attempts to bring some real life intrigue into the dactology/ proxy situation isn't on your top summer reading list.and besides it is rather common knowledge that there are people of the arab persuasion who ARE indeed involved with both this "fictional' proxy organization as well as Dactology.not to mention the equipment.this marvel of modern MAYHEM

may i continue ,Christie says always amused.for he knows his goons will get to me.As he knows I cannot control my temper or my computer ramblings about the "experiemnt"
so if you must type up the rather secret  (it's about patents dumbo)cutting edge techniques and process of the evil entity you call meercats proxy DOME or whatever is next in this comic book mind of yours let us perhaps turn this Hellraiser scenario around
 and stop thinking you're turning this once in a life time experience into some fucking screenplay because i will see to it that any studio that even considers turning this dreck into something tidy mess  has years of such litigation that they will never recoup.
but since so much freewill has been given for this project (this project you claim offers no free will,because to you freedom and your rights simply mean that you should get paid.to participate in the most  rigorous exciting scientific innovation ever done.everything stops till jim(jimbis) gets paid to exist.does this make any sense?
but let us reverse this supposition that one's thought are separated than rendered into a module of "personality.I like the part about the raised pain threshold by the way and if I could after all that aggression in California believe me those thresholds would have indeed been raised.however the main objective is quite the opposite in that unguarded positive feeling,the GOOD PARTS,the opposite of Pain .The Pleasure and Love inside you are condensed and magnified and reassimilated through all time
than why this hardship bossman.
why everything that's being done
i don't belieieve it
it doesnt make snese
there was a time when i did
when it was clear that the only ways to get to true non drug induced euphoria ,bravery,lack of shame,power,and inteligence was throught sheer terror.
every spike in one's brain heart ,nerve would come on and soar.
and Drew Christie with a love I had never know
would always bring me back bit by bit
minute by minute
it didnt occur to me than that these parts were being recorded .or assimilated.
that coming down time from this primal fear.and it went as far as a human heart or nervous system could perhaps go(is that the reason for the smoking)was
a truly ....
magnificent,private situation
i feel in love to some extent with it with him
with him and the role he was not playing but serving
but now what.and why am i being punished now.it seems
why am i back to square one and nothing again