feed me and buy me things.
for some reason i want to exist.why .
why
i dont know
to buy more things?
i am crazy i am bad.but the bad need food and shelter and there is never enuf
the very bad need and need
know why they need
know why
cuz they get nothing from what SOLVABLES get
for some reason i want to exist
why
i don't know.
beverly finishes her poem and leaves the stage.
the lights dim.a spot comes up on Macy, Linda and Evan.
I am sitting
on a stage
.I am sitting besides Macy ,the spot light suddenly grows too bright
.I put my hand up to block it.Macy copies my movement and suddenly the light dims
"UNSOLVABLES love the dark ,they hate the day ",Macy says
behind us,on the stage is a huge screen
various pages of things i have written and drawn are projected on it
there is another screen which Macy told me in advance would every now and than project some of my Interneural responses
Macy rises from her chair and pats my leg and moves to the microphone
"this man was given a task.write freely his thoughts on his parents ,his friends and situation,he was offered a sum of 135,00 dollars to write a memoir and be a part of the Proxy process.it was up to him which way he wanted to go.he was given several popular memoirs,some cruel some kind in their depictions"
I rememebred bits and pieces of the things my PROCESSOR said
why u write this and that about liam
this man who has broken his bank for you,shared his home
.what nasty thoughts you privately think. the dactologist said.And what you wrote of gloria and Ted and kim"
He chose the low road.Every despicable thing on his mind,every key character in his life.More than negativity,More than a cold eye.A hot eye on every thing and everyone around him.He kept writing and writing.i said stop.,"He kept writing although ..."Macy said
"when do i get a snack"I thought
i hear the audience laughing
i laugh too.
i look at macy who points to the screen
when do i get a snack it says in big letters
"Snacks.so he wants snacks,"Macy says shrugging smiling".nothing wrong with snacks,,"she pauses and becomes serious.."ok so the old brown mare she ain't what she used to be ,'she comes up behind me and puts her hands on me "
Nothing wrong with snacks and smiles and a little dum de dum is a little better than well,what eee used to be .in a year or so he will moved to a better apartment and might be able to care for a pet and maybe one day really care.For a person"
Paintings and drawings and things i wrote are projected behind me
Evan takes the stage.
"i monitored much of Jimbis's PROCESS
"Usually Internals transcripts are kept utterly private ,don't you worry he said,this is a one time deal,"he laughs and the audience laughs back
jimbis gave us permission
I am smiling,I turn around to see if my thoughts are on the screen
i dont know if i gave anyone permission,but there is nothing on the screen but "angry" paintings and words and words
"Believe me i know all too well how UNSOLVABLES think,"he laughs,putting a hankerchief to his forehead.I know how they eat ,sleep and ..hmm"
He comes up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders like Macy had,"some things we'll keep private"
the audience laughs
"Gary Rainy believed that one man's bad thoughts wipes away the actions and thoughts of 100,000 good men and believed they should be removed from existance.he believed that even after their death that their enrot would still stream through the enway"evan says
"we are more modern than Gary 's initial conclusions.we,although it certainly is not broadcast ,we do in fact incorperate some aspects of modernn psychology.
but we also know an UNSOLVABLE will use this so called psychology for any service it might provide them.."he clicks a button and the screen shifts to some of my drawings and postings
"See how many entries he wrote about his poor mother Kim?
but did he stop for even a second to stop .
to stop posting and writing.
a hundred and thrty -five thousand dollars?"
when questions what was his excuse?
you dont know my mother you dont know this .i am trying tobeawriteriwillchangenames.i am working things out .i need money.i have problems.blahblahblah
"blah blah blah." he yelled into the audience who yelled it back
"aspergers he whined I have aspergers"he said in a high effeminine voice,sashaying around the stage.
"i need money,I am depressed,you dont know these people,it's a story.I need the money i only remember bad things"
the lights dimmed.and came up very bright
"know why you remember only bad things JIMBIS! "he screamed
"because you made all the bad things happen!.Because you are bad and people responded badly to your badness!because your ENROT was SO Intense and Strong in The ENWAY! that every LITTLE element and Molecule reacted to your ENROT that it turned good people bad"
macy saw i was scared and held up a cookie
seeing this Evan stopped yelling and came up behind me.smiling
hospitals,jails.all to make you GOOD.Pioneers of Interneural Interface""we went through alot ,didnt we Jimbis
I told him to stop writing to stop thinking these horrible ENROTS!
sometimes,even after the reduction,the process comes back
cwazzy words anything to block .I dont know what evan wants i hand him bits of humiliations and nonsense it calms things down.it's what he wants?.I remember when i was a kid .there was a blonde kid.i couldnt have been more than 4.i compared myself to the blonde kid.the blonde boy .he seemed better than me
i knew than i would always being making comparisons
i would look for myself in tv and around me
but i wasnt there.
this again.oh my god if i hear the little blonde boy story one more time Evan graphs
when i was a little girl i remebr seeing a large panda bare.i couldnt help thing that this manda was somehow vedder than me
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.He will think I am mocking him
(the pictures of the broken window and apartment are shown on the screen)
there was a sound from the audience
I turned around and saw the screen filled with what i had just thought
evan's interneural stories made me get very mad sometimes
a projectorist or something quickly overlaid it with a "horrible" painting i had done of a crowd at a bus stop"
I felt a tiny twitch through the back of my head and knew that i had better just think of cookies
but Macy mouthed "they turned it off," she said circling her head with her finger,she smiled.
___________________________________________________________________________
i made the mistake of giving liam the print out of last nite's entry
his faces changes ,almost immediately like i wrote something about his mother or something
"what are these arabic sentences?"
"there's supposed to mean like nonsense like gibberish,like scribble,it's trying to explain the scribbleness of semantic confusion"i shouldnt have done it i shouldnt have written it.it was our secret.it s how it works.it's how it works.
Duh"always looking at the details I think towards Liam,rather than the jist.I stop myself,lately from judging him so harsh.i stop myself all the time now.i wish i could just stop thinking
""you really are an idiot,"
"the character has been REDUCED he's supposed to be an idiot.He doesnt know what he's doing" .I am worried to type or say anything or even think ,i shouldnt be writing .i shouldnt be here.
"the entire story is written like an idiot before he even got "REDUCED".would it kill you to use spell check"
OOOOO god not this again,i dont even know why i show him anything.
I hate myself for thinking anything like this
.Liam is worth a thousand of me
.
"the story" ..as YOU call it is too urgent to worry about spelling"I say,regretting my tone my mind says sorryi'msorry i'msorry i'msorry.I type now it seems to just sit up.I wake up terrified.everythiong i do is wrong everything i do is wrong
"well you are not putting little arabic sentences on my computer"
"It's a translation of "One night in bangcock" in arabic !"
he gives me this like cartoony snide look . i hate when he does this emphasis thing with his face like someone is filming him than he does this ennuciating every word thing like the "hmm let me get this straight" shit you see them do in movies
.everything I think is cold and cruel .
i think like a book.
one of those awful books Evan said i shouldnt read
books he said destroyed my mind.books i was drawn to .
books THEY knew would help cement my thoughts
books i had read that celebrate pathology and sociopathic enrotrophies
filthy and self absorbed
.I am exactly what Evan says i am.
I should not be allowed to exist.
"the little boy with the blonde hair," i said
"what little boy with the blonde hair?"he looks at the sentence.he reads slow.he knows slowness drives me nuts.maybe he's pretend reading slow."thats not semantic confusion that's a story ,he changes his tone and takes off his reading glasses,he knows i dont like tone changes,or little thoughtful little looks"is that true that you thought this blond boy was better than you,that's a shame,it's sad."
"what!.you always pick dumb stuff to concentrate on." i say,I never remember what i write.,I dont like to be reminded,but it must have been something embarrassing or he wouldnt have picked up on it.
who taught you to think like this
this is not how WE think
this is Running with scissors Thinking!
this is what Must go
thismust gothismustgo thismust go
"just take the arabic down .Jim-bis"
"they're scribbles! they constitute SCRIBBLY thinking!I know it's arabic or whatever but it looks enuf like scribbles that anyone who has any Brains! would know that's what it means ."
enrot is in the air
i shouldnt be writing anything
people like me people like me
shouldnt write or draw
not till it's gone not till it's gone
not till it's quiet nottillit's quiet
i kid myself that i am writing to show how an UNRESOLVABLE thinks,what horrible thoughts go through a mind like this.
i cannot stop filling the enway,the world with my filth
this is what unresolvables do is no excuse EVAN screams
he sent people to take the computer away.
and sent me back here
stay out of california stayoutofcALIFORNIAstayout ofcalifornia
Liam doesnt know what's wrong with me,he doesnt know i have been reduced,not really"your paintings have become scribbles.your room is scribbles.everything you do lately is scribbles
'they want to make an example of me" I say
." I am not changing,my bad thoughts or keeping an opened mind ..I am still writing about THEM in a bad light
"if they wipe me away.it will be fine,it might even be best"
"
"if they wipe me away I just might come .I might have to go away .someplace .else.to shead these horrible things they have gotten a grip if one is intrinsically bad,of bad character and thoughts why should they be able to go around just spreading
" Enough about this proxy ,it is ruining you,this device you talk about,there is no such thing.and never will
that's a metaphor, somehow they have access to Intelligent Life that does in fact "know" who is good and who is bad."
"like Santa Clause"
"don't joke about it"
"will I be struck by lightning,smite down in flames"
"forget it,but imagine if there was a real godlike force.call them aliens or not"
"first it's interneural interface.this proxyreal thing,not just a headset/"
"would that be better or worse?"
"it would depend on who's playing god"
theyhatethistheyhatethistheyhatethistheintellectualenrotbut i cantstopicantstopitsalltrueitsalltrue
people come back.usually better.even if someone has to kill themselves it is worth it,it is a sign of respect that one at least respected the process and the time that was spent.it shows that you have at least realized that you were a bad wave in the atmosphere and know when to leave the room"
'they encourage this.your saying.Them"
"i am saying too much already,it's complicated but it's real"
"the interneural or the aliens?"
I am UNSOLVABLE
they know it too
my art is also an example of a type that must Go
as is everything i have written online
i don't mind being an example
you wouldn't understand
i am glad it will serve a function in the new world
of sickness
sickness passed on and outward
what type of person paints like this?
what type of person has a mind like this
is this what one needs in the air
in our eyes and ears?
can't you see how very disgusting this is?
can you relate to it.
I SINCERELY HOPE NOT
who has let this go on?
who has let this type of work even be allowed on line
or into the world
maybe if i hadnt been exposed to such things
and certain books
my mind and waves .and energy would not have brought about
what it had
or maybe i would not have been brought in to SHOW
what must go
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and
i remember when this began
a
different
voice
a different feeling
that
went to the heart
not the brain
flew higher
than
any that could be
bought
or
tempted
or created.or conjured
the one that came
to warn me
that soon
nobody will know
the difference
try to keep your heart opened.
for soon you won't be able to keep your brain locked
doyouunderstanddoyouunderstanddoyouunderstand
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