feed me and buy me things.
for some reason i want to exist.why .
why
i dont know
to buy more things?
i am crazy i am bad.but the bad need food and shelter and there is never enuf
the very bad need and need
know why they need
know why
cuz they get nothing from what SOLVABLES get
for some reason i want to exist
why
i don't know.
beverly finishes her poem and leaves the stage.the lights dim.a spot comes up on Macy, linda and evan I was smiling,I was in my suit,the suit I got that i wore alot since my Reduction.I think in smaller portion.some of my old thoughts and the questions my Dactologist asked went thru my mind but i didnt understand them...I am in front in a seperate light.I put my hand up to block it.Macy copies my movemnet and suddenly the light dims
"UNSOLVABLES love the dark they hate the day ",Macy says
I am sitting
on a stage
behind me is a huge screen
various pages of things i have written and drawn are projected on it
there is another screen which has my other thoughts
my interneural thoughts.
sometimes the 2 are shown at once
"this man was given a task.write freely his thoughts on his parents ,his friends and situation,he was offered a sum of 135,00 dollars to write a memoir and be a part of the Proxy process.it was up to him which way he wanted to go.he was given several popular memoirs,some cruel some kind in their depictions,Macy said at the microphone
I rememebred bits and pieces of the things my PROCESSOR said
why u write this liam, this and thats
man who has broken his bank for you
his heart too?
.what nasty thoughts you privately think. the dactologist said.And what you wrote of gloria and Ted and kim
"He kept writing and writing.i said stop.,"He kept writing although ..."Macy said
"when do i get a snack"I thought
i hear the audience laughing
i laugh too.
i look at macy who points to the screen
when do i get a snack it says in big letters
"Snacks.so he wants snacks,"Macy says shrugging smiling".nothing wrong with snacks,,"she pauses and becomes serious.."ok so the old brown mare she ain't what she used to be ,'she comes up behind me and puts her hands on me " Nothing wrong with snacks and smiles and a little dum de dum is a little better than well,what eee used to be .in a year or so he will moved to a better apartment and might be able to care for a pet and maybe one day really care.For a person"
Paintings and drawings and things i wrote are projected behind me
Evan takes the stage.
"i monitored much of Jimbis's PROCESS
"Usually Internals transcripts are kept utterly private ,don't you worry he said,this is a one time deal,"he laughs and the audience laughs back
jimbis gave us permission
I am smiling,I turn around to see if my thoughts are on the screen
i dont know if i gave anyone permission,but there is nothing on the screen but "angry" paintings and words and words
"Believe me i know all too well how UNSOLVABLES think,"he laughs,putting a hankerchief to his forehead.I know how they eat ,sleep and ..hmm"
He comes up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders like Macy had,"some things we'll keep private"
the audience laughs
"Gary Rainy believed that one man's bad thoughts wipes away the actions and thoughts of 100,000 good men and believed they should be removed from existance.he believed that even after their death that their enrot would still stream through the enway"evan says
"we are more modern than Gary 's initial conclusions.we,although it certainly is not broadcast ,we do in fact incorperate some aspects of modernn psychology.
but we also know an UNSOLVABLE will use this so called psychology for any service it might provide them.."he clicks a button and the screen shifts to some of my drawings and postings
"See how many entries he wrote about his poor mother Kim?
but did he stop for even a second to stop .
to stop posting and writing.
a hundred and thrty -five thousand dollars?"
when questions what was his excuse?
you dont know my mother you dont know this .i am trying tobeawriteriwillchangenames.i am working things out .i need money.i have problems.blahblahblah
"blah blah blah." he yelled into the audience who yelled it back
"aspergers he whined I have aspergers"he said in a high effeminine voice,sashaying around the stage.
"i need money,I am depressed,you dont know these people,it's a story.I need the money i only remember bad things"
the lights dimmed.and came up very bright
"know why you remember only bad things JIMBIS! "he screamed
"because you made all the bad things happen!.Because you are bad and people responded badly to your badness!because your ENROT was SO Intense and Strong in The ENWAY! that every LITTLE element and Molecule reacted to your ENROT that it turned good people bad"
macy saw i was scared and held up a cookie
seeing this Evan stopped yelling and came up behind me.smiling
hospitals,jails.all to make you GOOD.Pioneers of Interneural Interface""we went through alot ,didnt we Jimbis
I told him to stop writing to stop thinking these horrible ENROTS!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{i dont know if it will ever be gone.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((i dont know how to get rid of it.
((((((((((((my thoughts.
are vacant (((((------))my thots R،،
stopsmoking stop smokingthey have been since i took certain medicines. to fix me.i hate to blame .but it is true
you havent taken them you wouldnt know
stop smoking stop smoking
.and sometimes so cruel.callous.i am not here and havent been for too long
i want to change but i am so frozen in this thinking
I blame others for all my problems
stopsmokingstopsmoking
i look back at the past .in ways that are inexplicable (i am so tired of Evan he is so tired of me,this aint about fuckin enways it's about fear and those magic changes it brings.weeeehooo.but i am fuckin exhausted and my mind wanders,it isnt deliberate 2 hours on Proxy and a side effect is one of embarrassment ,of being watched.of someone not knowing when to leave the roomيكون الشاهد للاختبار النهائي للياقة الدماغية. هذه السيطرة لي أكثر من أن نهر قديم موحلة أو بوذا الإمالة.
ونشكر الله أنا فقط مشاهدة المباراة-السيطرة عليها-لا أرى تقييم الرجال الخاص بك. هذا نوع رفيقه لقد أنا أفكر. أنا سوف تتيح لك ...مشاهدة، وأود أن أدعو لك ولكن سوف تثير الملكات نستخلا أفضل العودة إلى الأشرطة والمعابد الخاصة بك والخاص بالتدليك.
......tisket task set as real imagined and imaginary real memories come up,some barely make sense.some may as well not even be true.I dont know what evan wants i hand him bits of humiliations and nonsense i have read in books,i can barely tell the difference.some of these memories arent mine.,this is all about driving me crazy.interneural interface is braindamagei remember when i was a kid .there was a blonde kid.i couldnt have been more than 4.i compared myself to the blonde kid.the blonde boy .he seemed better than me
i knew than i would always being making comparisonsi would look for myself in tv and around me
but i wasnt there.
this again.oh my god if i hear the little blonde boy story one more time i will scream.this isnt about fucking memory god damn lane it's about
because i am always troubled by how i feel.i don't feel that i feel as much as everyone else
it isnt right.
MONEY!
the only people i dont feel this way towards is ...
people who have been ..beaten..or lost in the world.
some say smoking to stop might help clear this away.i cant stop.
.i will try to smile thru it and at the very least not put it out there
smoking is making you into an old son of a bitch who can't think straight or try not to.into the ENWAY or otherwise
maybe thats why i needed money
to escape to a place.alone
i am ..a guy who likes trees and maybe animal;s better.
i ...am best when i am helpless.thats when i connect when i am in the streets.and someone offers me food or a place and it is necessary .but not for long.it is honest.it keeps me honest
MONEY ?
for who
is there a book end to the little blonde boy story.sometimes it's a memory of me in a green sleeping bag.and hearing this cacophony of noise.
proxy is mainly for entertainment and stories for television
once your stories get bad.you're fucked
it's about becoming a better person
inside
and out
i must begin working out i begin thinking.when i was in highschool I used to swim
start getting high again,start doing something
paint one of those nasty paintings
when i was a child i remembr seeing a blonde boy.we were about the same age.i wanted to be this blonde boy .he seemed better than me
i am caught in the vortex
i am not thinking this story deliberately.evan is winning.
you'd better knock it off!
when i was a little girl of 57 in 1932 i remebr seeing a large panda bewar.i couldnt help thing that this lucite was somehow redder than me
(the pictures of the broken window and apartment are shown on the screen)
my mind is not so reduced that i dont remember this shit.
it never will be that reduced.
what in god's name any of this has to do with enrots inroads or anything is the biggest crock rainy has cooked.
it's about a few select people paying a god damned bundle to like go all Hostel on.oh there's a bit of the be nice to Janice and your mom shit but truth is it's all about enetertaining the viewer.
it's what pays the bills around town.
the readings are just good fun
it's a frat party. a hazing
they use psych hospitals and jails like a rec room,
they play dress up
and tie in characters and bits of your dreams and thoughts into the outside world
it's sport.
it keeps the lights on
it's why i was sent here
in 94
to be the type
and to type
it was addictive EXposing the EnROTS
i just couldnt stop or take it down
it felt like there was something invested in it
i never reread it.
it was bits and pieces
of something/
i wanted someone else to figure it out .
not me
maybe it did feel like an exposure of a certain type.
an enrot
maybe thats what it was supposed to be on all sides
pictures of my destroyed apartment flickered on the screen
and next a broken window.some old photos of Pine st too.everything all at once.
Evan's Interneural "stories" made me get very mad sometimes
there was a sound from the audience
I turned around and saw the screen filled with what i had just thought
evan's interneural stories made me get very mad sometimes
a projectorist or something quickly overlaid it with a "horrible" painting i had done of a crowd at a bus stop"
I felt a tiny twitch through the back of my head and knew that i had better just think of cookies
but Macy mouthed "they turned it off," she said circling her head with her finger,she smiled.
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