soup(AI Suprsie)

i walk to the chinese restaurant.to get some egg drop soup.
 my mentors must be  aware I am not as angry as i was only ten minutes before
yet there is a feeling that ,as usual I have done wrong and betrayed certain trusts
usually i try my best to separate my own financial and personal problems from THEM  but this detoxing  is taking longer than the usual 5 days

 smoking stimulants calms my mind down more than benzos,neuroleptics or heroin but my slowed mind
sometimes make EVAN go wild , taking advantage of  my slowness by giving me a so called
"taste of my own medicine" or
"what i have coming to me"  for whatever i have "done" to him"the previous days ,hours or seconds

 whatever horrible images or thoughts i have parlayed to him
you see.
my thinking .
all of it
is not just thinking
it is Graphing
it is
communicating
and sometimes a guy just wants his thoughts to be his alone
so fuck me if I get hopped up and
intentionally or otherwise wish for
space aliens or some such force to put a stop to this rubbish
and wouldn't you sometimes think for,or pray for a rash of
meteors hitting satellites and transmitter towers
yet
i always try to settle these "ungodly" wishes..into
cartoonish meanderings
but
this isn't easy
cuz
YOU don't know how THEY can get
i have never met such serious people in my life.intraneurally or otherwise
.is it my fault my only
retort is "scanners"type graphing
for I need someone to "Watch Over They" "Who Watch Over Me"

and truthfully
 my missteps concerning partaking in other "mind augments"are really my business.
and often my only escape.
and a misdemeanor at that



yet my over indulgence of such
is also a  good time for EVAN to blow off steam
 with new scenarios
 scary visuals on my visual cortext in a haphazard fashion

(

THIS BETRAYAL on THEIR part
 makes me smoke all wrong ,often one bag after another..
and sloppily ,counter productively
either breathing in the copper scouring  or using the same pipe and breathing in heated residual glass or simply rolling tin foil and breathing in aluminum

i am always shocked that EVAN is more concerned about my come uppance than my procedurals concerning inhaling properly
proof if you ask me that he cares not a whit if i live or die.

but its been 6 days now of the stuff
and things are returning vaguely to the "new normal" of it all

but things are not fine between us
 he  thinks i am being  harsh
writing too much of the" between us:" type of stuff online
 and all but ignores me
during the cold walk to the Chinese restaurant
my mind races with boredom induced restlessness
it is not easy being a pedestrian walking and staring at familiar visuals when one has grown used to
playful bursts of imagery and amazement
but my mentor  sends only one or two  pedantic visualizations, barely graphing at all
 implyin thru emotional overlay that I can not have it both ways
in the restaurant I see a very cute guy
with pleasant south Philly easy going demeanor
and insinuate that perhaps he can
"use him" in one of my dreams
or maybe just combine some of his gesticulations and such
into my new love interest's baring

fuck you Jimbo is the sense I get..
more of this can't have it 2 ways shit..
he relents and i see bits of the guy and hear bytes of the guy on walk home
and assume he will make an entrance
or at least have a cameo
in a"Dome"dream

perhaps I can also add elements of "That Guy" to your personality or lack thereof  Evan Graphs
cause Christ knows you need
some readjustments concerning temperament