funny that I recieved little guff when discussing the technological aspects of Proxy's(The Group)

communication Process.lately interneural interface

but in the last week i have begun to dwell (and talk) much more about the Divine  aspects of Proxy's Inferstructure and teachings.and this has forced me into  much more of a defensive mode.Is proxy a religion or a corperation.People ask.It's a Question that jumble me up.

it is what it is

.also my talk of The Forces seems to scare Liam

.He says my eyes get funny when I speak of it.

He fears, he says that I will not "come back"..He seems to think I "am gone"

I stop my pacing .I have an idea how i "come off" to him

 and this idea collides with a tear coming down Liam's face.

and suddenly I feel like tearing up as well.

one feeling leads to another

.I think of Liam"s true concern for my "sanity"

  thought come.too fast 

 my mother

.my father

.not as 'symbols" but as real people.

I think about how I have written about them "in my story"

collateral damage .

  symbols. cues .as "bianary data" to clear my head.and soul

I have been so removed from emotion and warmth since so much of this began last spring.and even before.I am close with no one now.Only the Forces.

I stop myself.

Before I "regress"

Liam called Proxy 's methods into question.How he said they were not benevalent .and .how they manipulate people

"why shouldnt they manipulate.Why shouldnt they try to alter me?Did you read "the blog " as you call it from the beginning?Did you read how I wrote about my family.My "friends"I was crueler than. i had to be broken .to be fixed again!I was all too willing to code-ify and simplify my ties with humanity into symbols and a series of ones and zeroes."

yes .

a secret .rather swarmy voice comes in my ear shot "everything all at once .everything all  at once"WHAT  IS your automatic thought  RIGHT NOW

whatever it is.Never give in to prolonging a delicate,loving thought that has passed it's experation.(although it might have been good .and WARM.It will become UNREAL and FALSE if you milk it.if you try to pretrend you can HOLD IT longer than you really can.DO NOT CONFUSE  your FELLOWMAN with FALSE SEEMINGS.

 FEW will survive.

butTHE ANIMAL MAN.The caVEman.Go deeper to that core ..NO fAlse manners or lies of how "human" you are...better to be thought a criminal than carrying on further Lies

better to BE a criminal than

ACT

"the whole world is now actors.Nobody knows what they are .what's going to happen when something happens.and nobody knows INSTINCT"

"who put this shit in your head," he says

"Fuck this"I say putting my coat on.IN sarcastic crazy style I say "space aliens told me dumbass"

"I wouldnt go out when youre like this..."

I take my coat off or half off,thinking he might want to ,I don't know be informed maybe.

"now.If everyone is acting.How will I know .or how will you know who you don't want for lack of a better term "left behind?Why would I throw myself in front of some wigger meth freak to save your ass when the End Begins if i can't tell if you're you or acting like you think a human should act.and where did you learn this way of being.of acting.""

Liam literally throws up his hands.I am "crazy".Proxy has put words in my head.He wants me back to the nice guy i was.

ör was that an actJimbis?"

Probably Liam.probably."But give me a bit of credit for not being so nice than"

Oh I always did .I always did.""he says in some faggot sitcom tone that means nothing."

But he is satisfied.it sounded good.it sounded like something someone would say on tv.

and like Tv I slam the door.

I have to get out of here.