too much nothing goiing on here..the sobriety sinking in..might give it a serious shot.though these days feel nothing but alot of absense..rehab after work starts tommorow.have to fulfill my quota or something for a defered sentence..in california.liam fears when i return to LA i will be locked up and sent to jail just because  I seeem to only get into trouble there.or the cops enjoy fucking with me.or some conspiracy.or game.and that i shouldnt write so much about how the world would be better without the media and those nasty jingles and 30 second spots and idiotic programs about crime solving .i turned the tv on this morning ...and all these words and images popped on.and i was exhausted .and wondered why this nonsense is allowed.i felt like going back to bed.instead i found a package of henna in a drawer  and mixed it in a cup.and put it on my head not realizing it was orange.more meaningless moments to occupy a 30 second spot in my life.i am hyper and almost sad.it is sad in philly.i have to wait around for an interview with a woman from the atlantic monthly.to speak about art.what it feels like to be a so called outsider artist.what does it feel like for real?it feels like poverty and desperation.is there anything truly more tedious than sitting in a tiny room in someones house drawing faces...and than i dont know a neck than a foot.perhaps i should draw first some cars and some building FIRST than..
see what i mean.
i need money
why doesnt anyonbe ever thing the art would improve with some good hard cash
and a coupla assistance and art students
man this city makes me depressed i hate being here.
i was better and happer wandering and sleeping on the streets in palm springs
although my feet got so painful wandering around i had to go to the hospital .they gave me some vicadin
a scrip i lost in the casino along with a hundred dollars
and now the hospital has sent a bill for a thousand dollars
i have to go to SSI tommorow
to get back on it
i am sorta destitude
i was better off on weed
i think a bit more that this is all some kinda
delusion
this uh
stuff i write about
simply because i have not recieved $ for my
"trip(s)"into cyberspace
a cybernetic experiment
is as close to bona fide schizophrenia as there is
i have read articles that
virtual reality is a mimc of a specific schizo model.
and that schizo is the new black
for the new world
when i am not on something
i am more uh..hmmm?embarrased or self conscious of what i write esp on fb
fb
hmm
it is a strange fruit indeed
people volunteerily posting
everything about their private thoughts and desires
advertisers and
adversee-ers
taking note and classifying them and
fiiling them away
just more mumble jumble
like this and art

i have begun going to the movie house
porn
i need to be touched by real people
i lay my head on their shoulders
after the sticky bits
and some lay theirs on mine
it is keeping me sane
cuz i cant even do stimulants anymore cuz my urine must be clean
who gives a damn if my urine contains no narcotics
dont they care that my blood is full of chemicals from the shitty food and soda i eat
or all that mumble jumble in Newports
god forbid
i breathe in or snort something that albiet temporarily
makes me uforic
and temporarily at peace with the world at large
myself and whomever i am with or
even my memories

shucks and all probably shouldnt write this..like putting down the art or some reporter i gotta wear a good shirt for..shooting myself in the foot and all....
hmmbut it's fucked u see.
especially lately talkin and talkin with shrinks etc...
whats the problem .
whats wrong
whats wrong DUMBASS!
is money man
being beholden to every fucker who is near me
cuz i either am too god damn broke to pay a fuckin bill rent etc..
the problem isnt my fuckin stATE OF MIND IT'S THE STATE OF MY MONEY
NOW
THINK FOR A MOMENT IF U WILL DOC
ABOUT THIS
NOW ENUF YEARS GO BY RIGHT
YOURE LIKE WORKING AND WORKING ON THIS
art
right and it is work and u got this movement disorder ur fight ing and cursing and these like i reckon mental grouchy problems.etc
and ur like 43 and all and more cop problems and your like fuck it.
but sometimes i calm down like now between smoking.

 my rage seems more justified and
wholesome
if i break objects
 and windows
etc
 around town
several smash ups of this kind
occured in LA
and a good many more such incidents in palm springs and san francisco
but these were objects
a little more rock throwing and genralized howling in the streets and less people would be hurt.