FILE  DEBRIEF ETHAN ANDERSON age 32 OLIVE VIEW UCLA
                                   {  DECLASSIFIED.}admitted sept 4 2008.found bleeding from a "self inflicted " wound to abdomen,spoke of  Communion with terrestrial beings.A routine arrest was interrupted by a dozen or more blackbirds that perched upon Ethan shoulders and Officer Randy Craig's chest.The other 5 officers overheard this exchange between Ethan and Craig
CRAIG:why u go fuckin with that shit ...you can't fuck with this shit

ETHAN:
sometimes i am terrified of them.but never afraid.Do you know what i mean?
CRAIG
Yes
ETHAN
 they always bring me back.No matter how bad it gets.They always bring me back.I am always a better man.

finding Mr Anderson's injuries superficial Police transported him to the West Hollywood Station where Officer Reisler conducted a standard interview to determine Mr Anderson's mental state and liability concerning his public disturbance.

...ANDERSON-(concerning the matter of "terrestrials")
a certain amount of trust has developed between us.respect even.theres interneural ,which i don't like and theres this quantum thru all time work

this work of ours has nothing  to do with Proxy{where Ethan works as a Janitor) Proxy is making  a version.but there's something that isn't a version and it doesnt like what proxy is going to do.what it is doing now.After a 2o minute diatribe  of this sort,mostly gibberish Mr Anderson ate a Turkey sandwhich ,,2  orange sodas and than fell into a sound sleep

Ethan was than taken to UCLA hospital Besides taking a run for the door "because he needed nicotine" there were no violent or agressive actions on Mr Anderson's part.His admittance for a 3 day hold at the Crisis center was merely routine.

do you think someone is communicating with you telepathicallydoyousometimesfeelasifyourebeingwatchedormanipulateddoyourthoughtssometimesfeelasiftheyrenotyourowndoyouknowwhereyouarerightnowwhoisthepresidentoftheunitedstatesdoyoueverhearvoicesdoyouseethingsdoyoueverfeelasifsomeonehastakenoveryourbodyiwillsaythreewordstoyoucanyourepeatthembackworldorangeumbrelladoyoufeellikehurtingyourselfdoyoufeellikehurtingsomeoneelsedoyouknowwhatdayitis

"practice preachin"" with Brother Tallis

 

i cannot use the term proxy
or the proxy logo
nor am i to ever mention proxy
or reveal my past associations with prox.
but i do like the whole "group " thing
i like the.chain of command .and I like wearing ties.
i even bought a sweater vest.
"If you"re not with us you're against us"
can go both ways.

i will begin my own group.
i will also go to the streets.although prox thinks i am too undisciplined .and immature.they did at least say I was contageous.
a blight.
they called me but i have heard them call others worse.
i guess i cant use the term perishables either.

i will carry on some of the traditions.and styles I picked up.from my fellowship
they like me are contageous.
I will always carry a little of them inside me.
and I share my "blight"with my comrads..."all of my friends,all of my friends"

...
One of my traveling companions idolizes this Physical Beauty and all that it embodies
Brother Tallis is an attractive man but finds himself "in SwooN"
 at the gym
"you know the type"he says."it isnt just their looks ,it's their entire persona."

 I tell brother Tallis,"Yes.I know the type.The Gelin' like a felon "type.I appreciate this sort the way i appreciate a statue at a museum or public park.
but i certainly don't want this statue..to somehow get off his mantel and set precedence or worse start telling people what to do.or that we must be like him.and this model of perfection that you gape at....

"Oh" Tallis shouts,"you're just jealous."

He has not been on my path,so I allow such backtalk
."But no",a voice says in my heart
and I punch him in the stomach
once he has  has recovered from the blow I rub the top of his head to show no ill will,no malice.
I continue,
"jealous.No.I have seen the New Way first hand brother,There is a disease which comes with this beauty.this alpha type.this high cheekbone ,slim wife of his that only buys gluten free.and "yell/smiles" at her mexican maid,this maid who can't afford gluten anything..Never be envious of that type again brother!
that type has had thousands of years on top of the hill.
Enough.
.look not at false idols.if you see "a gellin felon" at the gym feel free to picture a collar around his neck.he will wear one soon enough
.For during  the First days of the End's Beginningwe  will wipe scum such as this off the New World's surface. forever.
Oh the Power we have given these People! exomorphs.extroverts.the pretty girls who develope nasty smiles that remain permanant lipstick on their faces for life .This is who we follow .who we gaze at.who we feel less than?or these Sportysport  men you crumble  for .men with the same permanant lipstick snears as their queen bee bitch counter parts,they are the same species of cunt.the same species who shout "faggot " from cars while their future wives yell yip yip yip lifting their blouses over their heads, leaning out of cars.this is who rules the world NOT FOR LONG brother Tallis
they have whiter teeth
yes
but their teeth arent sharp
they cant go wild enough to leap
to leap like a mentally ill cheetah
released on probation
rasied on shit food with chemicals and grease ANd GLUUUTen
not square plates with carmalized white asparagus Brother Tallis.

funny that I recieved little guff when discussing the technological aspects of Proxy's(The Group)

communication Process.lately interneural interface

but in the last week i have begun to dwell (and talk) much more about the Divine  aspects of Proxy's Inferstructure and teachings.and this has forced me into  much more of a defensive mode.Is proxy a religion or a corperation.People ask.It's a Question that jumble me up.

it is what it is

.also my talk of The Forces seems to scare Liam

.He says my eyes get funny when I speak of it.

He fears, he says that I will not "come back"..He seems to think I "am gone"

I stop my pacing .I have an idea how i "come off" to him

 and this idea collides with a tear coming down Liam's face.

and suddenly I feel like tearing up as well.

one feeling leads to another

.I think of Liam"s true concern for my "sanity"

  thought come.too fast 

 my mother

.my father

.not as 'symbols" but as real people.

I think about how I have written about them "in my story"

collateral damage .

  symbols. cues .as "bianary data" to clear my head.and soul

I have been so removed from emotion and warmth since so much of this began last spring.and even before.I am close with no one now.Only the Forces.

I stop myself.

Before I "regress"

Liam called Proxy 's methods into question.How he said they were not benevalent .and .how they manipulate people

"why shouldnt they manipulate.Why shouldnt they try to alter me?Did you read "the blog " as you call it from the beginning?Did you read how I wrote about my family.My "friends"I was crueler than. i had to be broken .to be fixed again!I was all too willing to code-ify and simplify my ties with humanity into symbols and a series of ones and zeroes."

yes .

a secret .rather swarmy voice comes in my ear shot "everything all at once .everything all  at once"WHAT  IS your automatic thought  RIGHT NOW

whatever it is.Never give in to prolonging a delicate,loving thought that has passed it's experation.(although it might have been good .and WARM.It will become UNREAL and FALSE if you milk it.if you try to pretrend you can HOLD IT longer than you really can.DO NOT CONFUSE  your FELLOWMAN with FALSE SEEMINGS.

 FEW will survive.

butTHE ANIMAL MAN.The caVEman.Go deeper to that core ..NO fAlse manners or lies of how "human" you are...better to be thought a criminal than carrying on further Lies

better to BE a criminal than

ACT

"the whole world is now actors.Nobody knows what they are .what's going to happen when something happens.and nobody knows INSTINCT"

"who put this shit in your head," he says

"Fuck this"I say putting my coat on.IN sarcastic crazy style I say "space aliens told me dumbass"

"I wouldnt go out when youre like this..."

I take my coat off or half off,thinking he might want to ,I don't know be informed maybe.

"now.If everyone is acting.How will I know .or how will you know who you don't want for lack of a better term "left behind?Why would I throw myself in front of some wigger meth freak to save your ass when the End Begins if i can't tell if you're you or acting like you think a human should act.and where did you learn this way of being.of acting.""

Liam literally throws up his hands.I am "crazy".Proxy has put words in my head.He wants me back to the nice guy i was.

ör was that an actJimbis?"

Probably Liam.probably."But give me a bit of credit for not being so nice than"

Oh I always did .I always did.""he says in some faggot sitcom tone that means nothing."

But he is satisfied.it sounded good.it sounded like something someone would say on tv.

and like Tv I slam the door.

I have to get out of here.

.the New Way.



..fuck my detractors (did this fool just write detractors.oh .he is so important in his mind .he uses words like detractors.!)
YES I KNOW HOW YOU THINK.
you DETRACTOR.YOU CUNT!
.....he is simply mad
.you are not even worth the ink on a list!
.oh by all means read on and amuse yourself though.one way or another  your reaction has been recorded.and any right minded soul knows without knowing that what i say is the truth.I can write this  you see.because(previously) I had no true stake in this and have been punished with such verocity by my associates here and quite quite beyond for "not doing it right that I ,YES Crazy and Self Important as I may seem have a DIVINE RIGHT! to Proclaim and DAMAGE! If I SEE FIT
"goodness comes at the end.I am so far from good.but luckily much further away from "Nice".Nice is a lie.Good .I desire.more and more.it was not" good "to come back to philly.I am not Good here.I am not here to rest or recover.not really.I am confused and angry is all.and lost.I fear leaving to whereever i go next because i do not have the proper things to continue on my journey.stuff like money and credit.usually I am provided for.somehow.but I ran.I couldnt change.I am stupid here.

you write this for attention I hear
in adavnce
do I?
Do I write this for attention
maybe it started as something else.way months ago.it is different now.
somehow it is.
yes I needed attention cuz i used this previously as a way to show art.and some haphazzard attempts at screen writng etc..
now.
no.
i thought quite hard about this.
nor do i now think there are people with money to promote theis New Way.I was presented with.

or even cash enuf for me to move more freely to write my sometimes ordained jottings.( i cannot help but toss in my own bits of..bits and stuff cuz I am for now at least too too human and stuck so in the old way
did i just notice a "masked" though implied squeak for donation
for unfettered and much needed Thought and dilligence to the task at hand.
I am guilty.I am guilty of need.
of need of Time and some mild comfort to compose The New Way anthems in such a fashion that I am only Beholden to true Forces
yes future detractor ! I seem stupid and half assed now.! but you shall see the progression
even if i go far from computers and cities.
fuck you ! who judges my raging as coarse!
I am also often pulverized by my "bosses",The forces,the powers that be(they can make my left arm hurt.and sometimes my leg becomes like that guy in the Usual Suspects.)why? because i think they like  subordination.
sometimes i believe that is there only reason for these specific games


a schizophrenic you say.
garden variety psychotic
.and he bores me.
this is going nowhere
HA!
this schizo-brainsalad meandering mealymouthedmendacity is my cover .my shield.
who amongst you is not afraid of insanity!
of your own and others?
(ha! when the clock hits the fan .who will be ready.and able .to take it (AND GIVE IT back!)but the LUNATIC.and than you shall ask him for help help help.
Ha.you didnt even throw him a piece of bread.RUN FOR your lives!no
walk.it doesnt matter.

another detractor.
another acquaintance who goes on the list.
the list of Perisherables.
i sometimes throw away the list when i am in a good mood.
or move various perishables up and down on the list.
those who will be left behind
or left to their own devices
when the bough breaks etc etc.
a jokester type.you know the type always something to say.
especially when he knows he shouldnt .he's just intching though to say the wrong thing.deliberately.especially if it might hurt you.
Or hurt the Cause at hand.
in this case the blog.(it is not really a blog it is just an easy way to not lose paper)
people who say the wrong thing sometimes cant help it.people with tourettes ,aspergers ,other stuff.they can't help it.you see.it's in them like a piece of something inbetween your teeth.
that is different from this other type.
in a big way
i can tell the differnece .i know these things i sense these things.
he says."so Hows the manifesto.i read it today.the Manifesto....yap yap yap he goes on.putting it down.
he's on the list.is all i can say.
it was just time before he got there anyway.

but it got me thinking besides.
maybe this is some manefesto.
and is that a bad thing?
and maybe i must move away from the computer and all things that beep and light up and make noise and bug me .like tv and phones .
like other manifesto writers seem too.
it;s supposedly not good to write a manifesto.they seem to put those people away sometimes.
so maybe i'll just go away sometime soon .and write it anyway .but be very careful not to call it that.
or something biblical .which is really more what it is.
but thats not good either.
it sounds a bit...uh...self important and arrogant to say one has been chosen to write the New Way
especially when i have taken so many liberties with  what I have heard and experienced
from word on high.
I am not a very good writer.and i have very little social skills.but i can tell instantly who
is what .
you'd be suprised.
.

Project "Laura"

"remember "i tell Liam who is watching tv as i draw little people walking around street corners"remember those people in the saline solution /pool thing in that tom cruise movie.those people who lay around in the little pool and know the future and those little wooden balls come out of some machine?"
sure.liam says.he has muted the tv.i am in perpetual breach since returning to philly.I can't help it .liam has muted the tv giving yours loony here all the time he needs to prattle on.I reckon he feels it's theraputic.but perhaps there is more to liam than meets the eye.I shall try to sum up a conversation we had yesterday night.
"well.in a nutshell these are the people i am talking about .These saline solution ,mind reading types are the other people in the group.they will become very important quite soon .these types.although they are considered trash now."
"so "Liam says"I suppose you are like them..Is that what you're saying?"
I quickly consider if he has picked up on the "trash" part or the wooden ball projectile type.but i go on.There is a commercial and he seems interested,if only because now I also seem grandiose.He likes to put me in my place.know what i mean

"i couldnt keep it up.i am filled with rage and fear>Iam still too concerned with wanting,consuming and being vaguely acceptable.I also didnt know how not to get arrested or hospitalized.."The commercial is ending I speak faster"I flew off into sheer rage fighting the intrusion of "the forces"
   Suprisingly Liam turns away from the television"So....Now they're forces?I thought it was interneural interface."
Oh what a dick Liam can be at times.with his" got you" shit.Older gay men are so confrontational .Man I shoulda stayed in LA.I start to get heated and fuck up my drawing of the pedestrians.But I calm down.I can't really take deep breaths cuz of smoking but I try.I have his undivided attention.I even slow my speech,careful to not say words that trigger him badly like"duh" or "listen asshole".I forgive his confrontational airs and measure my words"Perhaps Interneural interface was presented to me as an option.Something easier to understand or deal with than some "alien direct interface."besides this group as you know believes and communicates with such forces.."


"I prefered when you spoke about Project "Laura""

what a pig.i think .the only thing fuckin Liam understands is sex.besides Project ""Laura" has alot more to do with Proxy than The Group.and has very little to do with sex.just manipulation.My" Laura" was of couse Damien Lewis.
"who would my Laura be ,"he asks himself,Though believe me I don't want to know .Nor do i like him cheapening Project Laura to some sexual fantasy."My Project Laura would be....."he says
I close my ears literally .I put my hands up.on my ears Like a child .I become a child here.No sense talking about top secret shit to Liam is there..My god the risks I have taken to be understood both with him and in this blog.Still.I am curious .But when he repeats his ideal "entity" it is some forein actor type.whose name even sounds pretentious.If he only knew how this so called fantasy flips and changes into..a...well.a weapon.
.Ha I think if he only knew how these "stars" are used.Ha .I think kinda wishing he got a bit of Project Laura than he wouldnt be so flippant.would he Damien?"


i can't write about Project laura.or project harvey.supposedly it  is part of proxy's Motherment of the ignited states shit as evan calls it.they gotta pull in the dough from every nook and crook and rook.supposedly it works better than giant insects on breaking the Perishables.and provides the sadistic types that work in Proxy division Operations DEpt with hours of merriment.I swear when i picture prox ops i picture that chick with a thumb up in abugraib checking eye movements of the UNAWARES.spiking diet pepsi with love potion number9 and rubbing up to the genius types Causations and Aqusitions
"it has to do with eye movement  interpretations(EMI) Dennis told me.the primary reason television remote was created ..why there are no channel changers on the tv .so the /whatever yadda yadda can observe,note and catalog with old fashioned direct observation to gauge each individuals Special Interests(WOOF) oh how Dennis can go on.he is too smart for me.he loves using serious wrods i tell Liam who is equally bored with my sputtering about..Yeah they use these ,,uh..whats it called
corolations and shit to determine "love interests"to manipulate us at some fundamental level.Sick shit Liam.some really sick shit."

"did you say there was diet  pepsi.can you get me one?I thought you drank it all?"
Liam says,clearly not listening to a fucking word.

Liam specifically acts dumb.his job is to give me a safe place to "get it out"...He is my cover.It's complicated.he gives signature responses .
I try again.".yep that EMI shit dennis told me about..you know about EMI don't you Liam.."
"yes Jim I know about EMI..I know about Project Laura  and every other god damn thing you shouldnt be talking about...but I'm watching tv sorry I can't be bowled over every fucking time you lose your shit and have to go to court for losing whatever semblance of personal responsibility you.."

"oh jesus .Heard this shit before.I am so tired of working for these people and being called upon for evry little thing.There's simply no one fun anymore to play with.the fun people seem to disappear.I am more hyper than usual.Once again I must remian sober.for the time being .they are now worried i have a tru drug problem.instead of this phoney shit ..hmmm I say ripping my little drawing into pieces.My cover this art.these fucking nasty paintings."
"Jim..go to the baths or something just I don't know fuck off..go burn things outside.Call your mother and go shoplifting together or something."
            what a card .i throw the pieces of ripped "outsider art" into the air.I don't like his crack about my mom.but they know each other.
One thing i know i cant mention is being raised on symbols,cues and situationals.Nor of the calculated occurances to create "types" such as me.Oh Mom.Doing her "small part" for the situation.
to make children "in this world but not of it"
"boys from Brazil is on Encore"Liam says to get me to stop ripping up the artwork"But it's not in HD"
"the boys frombrazil don't look right in High definition: I say ,Cause i have learned that it is good to sometimes just say things.to respond.to not make another person  uncomfortable,.sometimes it's even fun.like playing ping pong.Talking.Engaging etc.
I continue on,"I wondewr what the boys from brazil turned into,Now thats a book that deserved a sequal"
"A seraquel?"Liam says.Reminding me I must get better at playing consistant crazy.He doesnt like this new talking stuff I try everynow and than.
I continue . ,anything to get a real response from him.he knows there is true magic in mayhem and in the way Children of the Slammed were raised.
"the final conflict is on showtime and"Tommy" is on TCM."
Liam gives me a look.The LOOK.the one that says knock it off.
"Project Blue Beam is in HD isn't it Liam?""
Sometimes he reminds me of the babysitter's boyfriend who fiddled about with me in 1972(and others like me).the babysitter's boyfriend wasn't chosen for his technique.Just his blood line.
I am suddenly depressed.I have no good memories.all of them were site specific.
I start ripping the magazines on the table..
"go break something!"It always calms you down."
It's as if he knows what I was thinking.and that i caN'T AFFORD TO THINK.nOT REALLY .nOT EVER.
I throw a chipped pie plate at the wall and even though it doesnt shatter I immediately calm down.
"night Liam."
I say ,yawning.
and not not in a mean way

preaching

there is no time to work out this writting bizness
i have gotten a tie and a white shirt.

without my drugs.my dopamine agonists etc.
i am visibly stiff.
i am cold and this is not good.i moved west mainly for the heat
and to be near the enemy
the propogators of this mishmash.the jingle makers and definers of the times.all about style ,youth and  a lifestyle
my lifestyle or the one i seek is nowhere in the ads.
it no longer exists.
you see it sometimes in old films.or documentaries of the pennsylvania dutch.
tribes.
tribes are sometimes called cults.
there is a cult of television and ads and youth and sound and sound and pictures and beautiful graceful actors and models .that is all.
there are not other models.
                              Evan rolls around the bed.I see him in a tiny box on the computer.he is glad i am back in PA although i hate it so much.he thinks i am safe here.he knows i wasnt in CA.he's one of them but is feeling the splinter.he told me where to buy the white shirt and said it had to be a sixty dollar tie.it reads.the tie and shirt
" .you need the right setting for your first sermon.until we get a proper churchy situation.it's a shame about the hair t'he white hair .but your eyes swelled so after the last dye job.it can't be helped.might as well throw in the towel.
      "churchy situation", i think,pulpits.wooden benches and woodenness .old fashioned .not quite hectic enuf.
not for me.unless maybe  in a cave .Maybe I caN  go stake out a cave"I say seriously.when i was little my brother and i used to dig holes deep enough for us to hide in.and pretend we were on our own away from the monsters around us

Evan hates me even thinking about my past.he helped get rid of it he can tell i am drifting in and out being here.and is not so sure about this long island bizness.this art bizness.
"i see a preacher dressed like a russian ruler screaming and pounding shoes and cursing decrying the state of things.. no turned head nor cheeks but a few burning stakes.and maybe a tiny blast of Mansonetic blundering,i see it already.Can you play any chords.on a guitar Jimbis?"
"i can sort of play piano.but badly." I say .
I stared into the little circle camera which evan insists i use instead of the phone.to practice.to practice being filmed.my filmings in palm springs were bad."we laugh at your filming jimbis.you must learn the camera is not cruel unless you make it so.How can a preacher hate the camera!I sometimes forget I am a preacher.I still sometimes think I am an artist,
There is a pause .I am good at pausing .I dont speak but look unflinching at the green circle.I think towards Evan.,i am good at yelling though.i have much to yell about.i have too much to burn about .your group has burned me up for a reason.i am your husk." .he can read me now without a headset.the interneural shit was driving me mad.making it hard to piss.sometimes they wanted me to eat only soft food.the situation became that disgusting.there was no off button.we went interneural 24/7...it all became about the machinery.testing it.Towards the end none of either of our thoughts mattered,I might as well have been hearing Voices."

Remembering  ,I come to "you know evan i still have to go back to LA for the pretrial they really want to know my side of the story,I don't know what to say.they don't really buy it according to the DA.the real DA not your DA."
"tell them you heard voices or whatever those schizophrenics say.i told you to look it up"

"i thought we agreed i would say it was the meth"I said
"for the cops you say meth .for the courts"...He throws up his hands"oh nobody believes it was anything but interneural anymore.who'd have thought."
"space aliens"I say,Immediately regretting this
"don't mess with the space aliens.Just say meth and for god's sake don't break anything.and maybe you should wear a baseball cap for the first sermon."
"I'll look forrest gump-ish"
"you ARE forrest gumpish jimbis.slingbladish.that's sorta what we're goiing for.if you can only get that god damned niceness shit down.where'd that niceness go.can it never be recovered."
"it might be gone for good.I need a miracle."
"damien lewis doesnt do it?"
"he's too tall.he's too busy.i need a true companion.."i think and pause..
What I really need is to be walking aimlessly and poor again in the hot sun,with no one i know .i was better like that.that's when i really felt and sought people out.not like this.not "safe" like this.I cant deal with this.I sometimes wish I was in jail.I would be better off.I need structure and or fear to thrive.to feel awake and alive"He sees me thinking thru the little camera i hate .He snaps his fingers.
"why am i preaching again.why do i have to be here and learn how to tell sermons?"
       "
 Because jimbis thats what we told you to do.That's what you are for.that's all.the more you think the more you regress.we will find someone for you to fuck around with ."
"can he be my height.it's always someone too tall or too small"
"you ask for alot Jimbis.we have spoiled you"

..i force myself to reread passages..for often this simulation required fantasy of power .
Agaming device.
an avatar one becomes.
where realty becomes murky and delusions of things grander than you cannot help but take over.
the use of "love object" in this situation is of import
the use of STARS,and celebrity is Paramount ,perhaps.i fear in more ways than one}}}}}}}}
presented albiet poorly is a meandering jotting .i am still in the midst of a debriefing from the rollercoaster ride ..of the new television....
the problem certain stockholders do not want me to reveal is that the necessary near psychosis requires for"westworld"remain often months after the "ride" ends.I am happy to say that of this writing most associations with the color red have ended.*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i am thinking out loud here.in these days when does actually think outloud.yes, though far away from the Northridge transmitter.i still broadcast my thoughts throughout CA. they are still too encumbered by their comforts to travel east... for now I have the delusion I can write anything I want without intimidation or a pop upside my head
about this division or should i say this franchise i am proposing (there were months of discussion about a community in penn valley..yet it was stated that this would not happen for about 5 years.)the hell with time.things change .I know this for a fact.nothing these days is written in stone.i have friends a bit more far reaching than "Ologies" of any kind.I have sat have sat on this fact thru much of my time s in jails and hospitals where my Peeps had put me to give me  a small inkling of their  far reaching power.Control and associates in hospitals and jails.associations with cops,judicial goings on and such)...

...just give Jimbo some more "Harvey," that's all he needs
Poor Damien Lewis who  sat at my side.often wearing a scarf.Playing gay or str8 man at  my whim
.not even caring that my eyes were now focused on the younger,"dumber" sort (pictured above)for wank off sessions(one must do something to fight the ataxia of force fed neuroleptics given to me  by the ologistic types on "the inside.
they wish they do that my mind would only focus on project Harvey instead of.....other things such as justice ,freedom and MY IDEAS.
my ideas which are similar perhaps but take into account
the faulty nature of man
alos i reckon their unbridled ambition though by proxy has fed certain hungers within myself to lay a few of my own notions on the table.
they do not like my ideas on the new world.that my first decree would be to outlaw pennies from the world.they think I am too dumb and unfocused to rule in anyway.
as if penny rulings are all i have on my mind.
and yes i think.
perhaps i am a bit too unfocused to Rule the new world.
maybe I can't help but think I can use some interneural interface for my cult on the mall new world schemes.
perhaps damien could co rule from his London dwellings
a co -captain to lead us to Paradise
I would pay the cops much more than the ologies by the way.
and double the salaries of EMTs ,teachers and those in the armed service
and than
after waiting a good long time for the republic to get used to this new world order
i would quietly institue a ruling against nickels as well

as i have said  i had to reach high  high above the frequencies and nonsense of cyberspace.for as i have said everyone is working in this for "our entertainment" and comfort.tripping over themselves to find a less cumbersome approach than the headset ,the helmet etc.implants such a schizo term."
                                  do you ever feel that someone is reading yourmind.do u ever feel that u are communicating with the tv........ooo boi.
thats the shit they ask any psychotic at the hospitals.
and soon you'll be getting calls on the phone from AT and T askinbg the same shit.because if you arent directly communicating with the tv or reading some blonde ,Romainian's whore (preset.and boy does this take time.and study.u try reading someone els's mind without  7 months training and some type of Squelch/Bypass unit and boy are u in for some Noise.........i havent even begun to explain the so called "horrors" of Project Brainstorm" without training or the proper uhhhh..
environment.
let alone worries of  trivial stuff such as a bad case of athletes foot while perhaps trying to "fiddle about" with one's love interest thru time and space.
talk about a bad first impression.hmm

well...one day if you arent reading someone's mind or communicating with a telegraphed image .all it will mean is you're too god damn poor to afford it.
there will be no room for god than u see.
and that is why i called him down
sometime in november.
to at least open this coming clusterfuck of false spirits to discussion
now i am not a religious man
'or as i have stated a particularly good man.
i like many have used a gr8 many people to either seek comfort understanding  etc.

and being diagnosed with aspergers etc doesnt play with

GOD LIKE FORCES very well.

( give a guy a break.for real."it is this force alone that has propelled a new appreciation for amphetamine that seems to negate much of this "i'm not here /aspergers shit" ..these forces care not for man's idiotic laws

imagine that

yet it was this giving up of all things besides what i could tote about in a backpack that i said fuck it

i am going back to pennsylvania ..

i couldnt go the distance and i am ashamed.

and not happy here.

money soon won't matter.(not to me ,not to anyone.so why try to "paint larger" and accumulate a new bunch of paintings?..unless of course these painting will be cut from their wood braces and used as decorative blankets when everyone is outside.sleeping and watching and hoping that the squirrel they have eaten isnt too destroyed from all the shit we have put in the water and grass.

yeah all that shit we put everywhere is gonna haunt us and our stomachs for years to come and come again

my mom who knows without knowing has said jimmy be careful what u write.especially when u are angry.a.i am not angry.my friends feed me and give me coffee at this house there is koeringthisand kohlthat and hunterfans and food from wholefoods and fireplaces that work and this friend hates smalltalk and while he assumes i am vaguely insane and always has only asks that i not wear shoes in the hous eor scream down from the balcony to the people that only wealthy people jog and poor people walk out of neccesity etc.
the damien lewis problem although probably simply a interneural simulation has thrown this jotting into a tailspin.i must get more serious.but i also dwell a bit on why him.for i have been told that evrything matters .and that is best to write this again 3 ways if i am to write at all.a.as a grand delusion.b.as a technological simulation.and c.as  simply an alien type experience.a mystical friend has suggested that since our minds are so crammed with jingles and televisied images and "personalities" that any foreighn species might be very confused indeed knowing what thought of ours are "in reality" or "on TV" but it might be a good idea to maybe not write this dude's name(as if there are not other people named damien lewis besides this damien lewis actor man)

i think however he represents "m y type"these days if i see a red head i look again.a tiny swoosh goes thru me.and never moreso than at the van nuys jail.i am attracted to cops and men with power especially if it means control of things like locking me in .handcuffs.etc.i want to lay my head on their chest ;;;now let me explain a bit that soon only cops and these people will matter.but i wont get into that....its complicated.this new world bizness.for there must be control and i dont really think that is something that will be automatic .it wont be lord of the flies.no way.no alpha male shit this time.not for things to come.they speak too loud  for one these braggart types we so adore leading us  by our chains and their arrogance makes foriegner and more poweful entities (so calle dspace aliens)sick...not to mention the hand that rocks the technology.the scientists(who perhaps are in KAHOOTS with,even some "ology" type "religions I am told.hmmm...did u know even those nazi type scientists in the 1940s and those brought over like project papaer clip/boys from brazil style in the 1950''s wore glasses ,were rather thin and didnt pump up much jams at frat parties.
and good cops .even those paid off by agency and such.know that what comes next while not NICE will be based on an earthly love sooo powerful and sweet (it will encourage and instigate the trees and plants u see to produce DMT SENSO) ..you know .that "meek shall inherit stuff"{ but for real.and the alpha male u see(who has destroyed life on earth i n only a few hundred years .will be eaten by the birds and the bees.plus many many actors and television executives who have polluted the minds of the masses knowingly for years.

nice warnings?

supposed to return to the dr i guess this week..alot of plans were made..to return to LA etc..but now perhaps a short art  residency in Montauk or something.my mind isnt there art.i am here it seems to warn people
it Is What It is
the problem was and is I was supposed to be NICER of all things.
yes NICER.is there a  faker thing than being nice.?
i can turn nice on when i have to speak to a collection agency or for about 2 minutes at the most when i must pretend i give a damn about some ..small talk..and than THEY hear it slipping my interest my NICEOUSITY running down by the 70 second mark (and truly have no idea how much it took out of me becaus eIT WAS GENUINE,this interest .it is almost EVIL!to fake such interest if it is NOT TRUE you FOOL.so what you might take for unNiceness is only genuine.is only TRUE

.my mind .what is left of it.its still back in CA trying to piece together just what the fuck really went on there.also why bits and bits of my blog have been erased..stuff like that.
i didnt talk about what was going on in CA to anyone.not even to friends on the phone..i tried and tried writing it as fiction.the meercat agency.than proxy etc.now i am back here in philly.at friends who still dont know what to make of me.i have calmed down now almost to a slummy coma.i draw again.i am supposedly alright.i am not
i feel next to nothing.
i want to get high.i want to feel something real.or unreal.i feel like i went thru some kinda basic training for eitherr virtual reality or madness.one in the same.how does it just end.am i too far away from the source.
i dont like the east.it never suited me.i whined about the palm trees providing no shade.the beating sun however i miss.the wide streets.the scrubbed up people.
here it is hip to be or appear unscrubbed or something.the peoples eyes are somehow harder.meaner.less dreamy.meaner.there is no fantasy here only oak trees.people honk their horns more.
i was told by the 3rd or so guy not to write on the compuyter anymore.he took my computer.and yelled breach into a phone when i somehow mentioned somethings i wasnt supposed to.about the future.the future has to do with some kind of "magic"being released in the air.stuff like that .yeah .stuff like that .true magic.although pumped up with lots and lots of technology .
it's also about knowing without speaking.it's about simply knowing.
it's takes alot to get to this knowing though.i used to think it was about some inner peace.or aiming to get rid of intrusive thoughts.
like i think about stuff i wrote early on about my family in the other blog.seemingly not caring one bit of theyu might come across my writings.
i sorta dont think they were ever really my family .
they were never on my side
when i speak to them i am truly speaking to "aliens"foreigners.
in CA people were helping me get rid of the garbage they put into my head.and all the garbage i picked up here in pennsylvania.
but i folded and got confused .and somehow started using hard drugs again .because i thought that was what i was supposed to do.that it was part of "the program"i dont like that "they" give me so much free will.all my free will causes is misunderstandings and time is a wasting,
time is changing and such things they will happen soon.
i wanted to see my mother and friends here and convince them to go west .to riverside county.miles away from los angels but close enuf.
don't ask why,
we are not there.
but i must make money.i was too angry for living on the streets i am not pseudo schizo enuf to be tame and passive on the road.i would yell at the wealthy people
GIVE GIVE.even a dollar.
even a little wrapped cracker in your purse which i know without knowing is there.(why u carrying around those 3 wrapped crackers you cracker.cuz u know a little bit huh.you know a little bit that u might need in cuz the angries like me will be running wild soon when it goes and shows and mows you down.the beam the seam that holds this Palm Springs to gether.
ahhhh keep your god damn cracker miss.
i am here to take note is all .to record your countenance at my visible hunger is all.
duly noted

 you're either with us or against us mr bloom.well i must say clearly i am of 2 minds.
cuz half the time they act as if i owe THEM money or more gratitude than i care to mention.

you have regressed mr bloom.
and rebelled against the only people who ever took the time ,expense etc to truly help you
"go fuck yourself' is all i can think .


as for the technology etc..the interneural shit being  top secret or whatever u call it.i believe that man said ""_____"" into the phone .the GUY one room down at the" ----------"motel.u know the 2nd guy who TOOK my computer.and warned me to stop posting.writing.drawing
as for this being
secret.
think about it it's 2012 and nobody gives a flying fuck.
trust me if the entire story came out verbatum
it would be a headline for what 3 minutes until kim karashian breaks a tennis bracelet.
the real reason u don't want it to come out
is because quite frankly
IT DOESNT WORK

all i was told endlessly is the less i know the better.the less i know the better
well
i am trying to fill in the blanks is all.

playing the part of Job just becomes
a Job
and i have heard that
people with jobs
often do get paid for their efforts
top secret goes out the window as well when all one has left
are
several thousand hours of stories
one cannot help but become a storyteller
and even a storyteller
eventually wants to be paid for their
song and dance

too much nothing goiing on here..the sobriety sinking in..might give it a serious shot.though these days feel nothing but alot of absense..rehab after work starts tommorow.have to fulfill my quota or something for a defered sentence..in california.liam fears when i return to LA i will be locked up and sent to jail just because  I seeem to only get into trouble there.or the cops enjoy fucking with me.or some conspiracy.or game.and that i shouldnt write so much about how the world would be better without the media and those nasty jingles and 30 second spots and idiotic programs about crime solving .i turned the tv on this morning ...and all these words and images popped on.and i was exhausted .and wondered why this nonsense is allowed.i felt like going back to bed.instead i found a package of henna in a drawer  and mixed it in a cup.and put it on my head not realizing it was orange.more meaningless moments to occupy a 30 second spot in my life.i am hyper and almost sad.it is sad in philly.i have to wait around for an interview with a woman from the atlantic monthly.to speak about art.what it feels like to be a so called outsider artist.what does it feel like for real?it feels like poverty and desperation.is there anything truly more tedious than sitting in a tiny room in someones house drawing faces...and than i dont know a neck than a foot.perhaps i should draw first some cars and some building FIRST than..
see what i mean.
i need money
why doesnt anyonbe ever thing the art would improve with some good hard cash
and a coupla assistance and art students
man this city makes me depressed i hate being here.
i was better and happer wandering and sleeping on the streets in palm springs
although my feet got so painful wandering around i had to go to the hospital .they gave me some vicadin
a scrip i lost in the casino along with a hundred dollars
and now the hospital has sent a bill for a thousand dollars
i have to go to SSI tommorow
to get back on it
i am sorta destitude
i was better off on weed
i think a bit more that this is all some kinda
delusion
this uh
stuff i write about
simply because i have not recieved $ for my
"trip(s)"into cyberspace
a cybernetic experiment
is as close to bona fide schizophrenia as there is
i have read articles that
virtual reality is a mimc of a specific schizo model.
and that schizo is the new black
for the new world
when i am not on something
i am more uh..hmmm?embarrased or self conscious of what i write esp on fb
fb
hmm
it is a strange fruit indeed
people volunteerily posting
everything about their private thoughts and desires
advertisers and
adversee-ers
taking note and classifying them and
fiiling them away
just more mumble jumble
like this and art

i have begun going to the movie house
porn
i need to be touched by real people
i lay my head on their shoulders
after the sticky bits
and some lay theirs on mine
it is keeping me sane
cuz i cant even do stimulants anymore cuz my urine must be clean
who gives a damn if my urine contains no narcotics
dont they care that my blood is full of chemicals from the shitty food and soda i eat
or all that mumble jumble in Newports
god forbid
i breathe in or snort something that albiet temporarily
makes me uforic
and temporarily at peace with the world at large
myself and whomever i am with or
even my memories

shucks and all probably shouldnt write this..like putting down the art or some reporter i gotta wear a good shirt for..shooting myself in the foot and all....
hmmbut it's fucked u see.
especially lately talkin and talkin with shrinks etc...
whats the problem .
whats wrong
whats wrong DUMBASS!
is money man
being beholden to every fucker who is near me
cuz i either am too god damn broke to pay a fuckin bill rent etc..
the problem isnt my fuckin stATE OF MIND IT'S THE STATE OF MY MONEY
NOW
THINK FOR A MOMENT IF U WILL DOC
ABOUT THIS
NOW ENUF YEARS GO BY RIGHT
YOURE LIKE WORKING AND WORKING ON THIS
art
right and it is work and u got this movement disorder ur fight ing and cursing and these like i reckon mental grouchy problems.etc
and ur like 43 and all and more cop problems and your like fuck it.
but sometimes i calm down like now between smoking.

 my rage seems more justified and
wholesome
if i break objects
 and windows
etc
 around town
several smash ups of this kind
occured in LA
and a good many more such incidents in palm springs and san francisco
but these were objects
a little more rock throwing and genralized howling in the streets and less people would be hurt.

i see a forensic psychiatrist in philly.pro bono.he generally charges over 300$ an hour.my case interests him greatly.he is an art collector as well.
i am not interested this time in what they call pill seeking.
if i need stimulants i can take a subway ride to kensington.
his main concern with this activity is that this can get quite expensive.
he is more interested in my dealings with the hot cops of van nuys and palm springs.
or my run ins at the desert hospital with that lady with the triangle
 insignia.
and the various
peeps in the tv and computer  and "ology"
markets
my latest painting deal specifically with
just these "issues"
i keep them rolled up in his secure office
they are evidence
we talk of Look alikes
people who resemble various actors
and symbiotics
and how television
is using
various codes and cues



.....hours later...having done my walking...and thiunking.it occurred to me ..this writing of cues/code from television only..might further indicate a prognosis of schizophrenia.a precaution the dr took giving me a series of tests.minnosota personality  etc...
one of the first question a typical dr asks a suspected psychotic is if the patient thinks the tv is communicating with him.
this I must state is not what i mean by a cue .or a code
let me be specific.collegiant in my fist attempt at trying to explain the Next Wave of broadcasting.

(i never compl,eted college and type looking at my fingers)U get the jist that a traditional uh..essay will not be forthcoming

APPLES.in American horr
or story
is where we will begin

we have barely even begun

DAMIEN DEXTER BLUE(Bloom)

pre-trial coming up may 7th.
seeing forensic psychiatrist.

months ago
was told to "alter" my name.change it
gregory tyrone.
...damien dexter.bloom or better blue.
found this old pic of me and my mom.
years ago before everything went askew.

changed my name when i was 14..to dusty.
a 3rd name change seems apropo after everything that went down in van nuys and cathedral city/palm springs.
had an imaginary friend named Tommy Bobby since i was one year old.


it all comes back.
everyone comes back.
or soon will
i heard it from damien himself.sometimes called brian.
damien is a good strong name
and dexter reminds me of dexadrine and FOCUS.

i was never much of a Bloom.irish or jewish
it just sounds
hmmm
difficult.
japanese people supposedly have a problem with the BL- sound
but i have to keep something
damien dexter blue.
works
the japanese i think can deal with the BL-thing

 

you have found out your 17 year old son with high functioning autism has run away
you cant say you were really proud of him
he was not a typical son was he.
at times he seemed emotion less.
often scattered ,more often than not almost beligerant,at not being understood.
he had made it through high school by the skin of his teeth.
he disappeared.
there is a side to your self that is glad.
you were secretly ashamed of him
you and your husband think he might have gone west .
to maybe visit with a fellow gamer
he spent hours sometimes playing games on the computer.
it was his connection to others.
it was non verbal
you dont call the police.
there is an awful part of yourself that doesnt want him to move back


a few months ago you visited your son at a mental hospital
he spoke of people who experimented on him
played with him
did things to him
to his brain
to his eyes.
to his ears

he says they have made him into something
and they won't stop



your son moves back
he is broken.
he had difficulties before
but not like this.
you wish he would go away again.
he talks in riddles about how his senses were changed.
you can't help but ask him for proof or at least details
he can't explain it.and when he tries he gets lost
or afraid.
you have no choice but to put him away
he is given so many drugs that he no longer talks about it
you hope he is kept there a long time

you don't know that he was spotted at a diner
by those that has been taught to seek a type out
a type something like your son actually
a type that seems "game"
a type that won't be missed or moreso believed.
an easy target
and yes this is true

his symptoms are of aural and visual hallucinations
"ahhh "the doctors say,quite easy to treat"
his symptoms however are
not symptoms at all
but success.

"it works"someone is saying

"it works" someone is saying
and not your poor son who has been worked on
 and worked over
"it works""someone is saying,

"and it is here"
********************************************

                  Look where you left him

And look where he was off to next

Jacob was released with 20 dollars and off he went

Into the streets only to be taken in

By Arthur

I will give you lodging if I can do this that and the other to you

Jacob had little choice and there he stayed

Having this that and done to him

His mother sometimes called Arthur.

Is my boy alright

yes Arthur says “he is alright indeed”he  says  licking his chompy chomps.

This made Jacobs mother happy

 for she did like Jacob being so much enjoyed

Having little else to do and to keep what was left of his mind busy Jacob began drawing on the wallpaper in the dreaded room he shared with Arthur

They were not very good drawings.

Most done with markers and crayons

It was a small room.

When Arthur was off at work Jacob would scribble and scream.

He was not locked in mind you but Jacob after all this twisty twine done on his poor noggin by the powers that be

and the shlocktors in the hospital there was not much out and about left in poor Jacob

There were just too many bits missing

Arthur didn’t want the neighbors to see how he treated Jacob alone,

The blinds were always pulled tight down

For he had built up such sunny sunshine greetings with the towns people

Oh Jacob is just fine fine fine he would say.what a dear to live with(chomp,chomp)

“how nice you are taking care of the dim fellow “the neighbors would  smile

One day after a fight of Jacob not wanting no Arthur fiddle abouts

He was tossed into the blind ,and one of the blinds fell bust up on the floor.

Arthur didn’t notice and Jacob thought ,let them see,if they wish what really goes on here.

Let them see Arthur chimping and chomping him when he didn’t want none of it.

Slowly and quickly at the same time Jacob went madder and madder drawing more and more on the wallpaper

He so wanted the man who lived across from the window to look through and see

Maybe that man could take Jacob in without the chomping

The wallpaper was replaced time and again

But Jacob would always end up writing and drawing on it

Every line was a scream

I can take no more of this Arthur yelled after replacing the wallpaper for the 7^th time

Besides you have grown fatter and older

I shall send you to Ben’s house.

If you think I chomp and dink at you too much HA are you in for a surprise how kind I have been

And out Jacob went.

To ben

To Herman to wayne

Drawing all their nasty faces and places all over the walls

As the years went by besides growing madder Jacob also became cruel

He could not hide his cruelty and contempt of the men who took care of him no more

And with this came crueler men who liked his bitterness

He was not young

 or handsome

Just mad as a bed bug

He had nothing to take

Only a sneer that had wedged itself plainly on his nasty nasty face

His job it seemed

 was to be as bitter and cruel as the years had been to him

to grunt and grimace and curse and cain

anything to make the men feel happy

that they were not so grim

that they were not so bitter

he was like some type of tv show where the viewer would look away and look back

“oh my Jacob look at the horrible man,thank god I am not him”

But Jacob was him

And it seemed somehow plain that that was the only reason he was allowed to stay,or be fed

if ever Jacob let his guard down and a beam of kindness or composure leaked out

the men got angry

his mother would call the man everynow and than

“how is little Jacob?”

“Oh you know Jacob.mean,sad and angry “the man would smile

Is he still drawing on the wallpaper?”his mother would ask

“not so much ,not so much,"the man would say

“thank goodness”,his mom would say

“our boy is growing up,” the man would giggle.

 fight ?

to keep ...

adding more.........."scary" or disturbing imagery  into the world.

is that really something one should fight to hold onto?

or should that"style" of thinking&  looking&
recording
 be something one should fight against.

 

what type wants  distortion and degeneracy entering a mind collective

i cannot control my mind and where it goes

and my guides do not or pretend to not understand
they do not want excuses
but true change
nor do they care that I do not deliberately
emit dissidence
into
the Enway

but it is not like a conversation
i cannot say if you don't like what you read in me.stop reading.turn it off.
i cry up.past the intraneural interface.
to God.
to anything
anyone and all I hear and sense is my mentors laughing
waiting for me to finish my Old Way of prayer.
like a child I suppose i picture something above a headset and a satellite

there is a way out
and you must
take it soon
BEFORE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all the plants

all

at  once

all together.....

 

.