shelter

i am virtually penniless

for the first time in a long time

the thoughts of going to Proxy  Reassessment Center

becomes not a burden but a joy

money ,the future

being constantly beholding.

beholding to anyone with it.money,.

a place to stay

the way an infant lives.

Proxy can make me dumber
if i can toss together 3 thousand bucks
i can recieve the first treatment.
and by October I can be augmented
into The smiling Fool
on the Prox Knox Pamphlet
it is guarenteed
If I stop smoking I can become a Prox Box for hire
i am still young enuf
it might be better.i don't know

"we can not go back to this.

we cannot go back to this."a voice says.Ethan is too gentle to shout In The House

we began like this and so much of this

was fixed,

remember

remember that you are good and there is good around you

Liam

is Liam

liam IS GOOOD

like soda

ethan fancies himself a  deprogrammer

ethan has been thru Prox as well

for him it didnt take

he hates them

they left him he says with less than he went in with.

they judged him harshly

He was working a part time job,and taking classes.

and now he's back at his mother's

on Pills(i told the fucker he shouldnt have mentioned he was hearing things.)

strangely he's not bitter.not even that angry

took some online classes and considers himself a deprogrammer.

he's thinking of putting up a shingle.

or at least posted his services on craigslist

how in fuck's name he can communicate thru Prox is beyond me

"beyond prox jimbis"

cybernetic process is tuff.

everything depends on what happens immediately afterward

where u go next.

and if there are people are you who can sustain

your experience.

how could there be.

Unless you

unless you

give it to them

suddenly everyone wears snadals SUDDENLY EVERYONE WEARS SANDALS!

so much for judging Liam harshly

the style is Liam.

if Liam is the style .

and it has been decided Liam is.

just like that.

now everyone wants a Liam of there own JimBis

i saw seven teenagers wearing T-shirts with Liam's face on them

snap out of it snap out of it snap out of it..ethan whispers

break something do something.i cant i cant i cant

it will be a world soon without money

dont you see

dont you see

this is a test

soon people like you people like me will mean something

something good.WE KNOW in a way

they do not we FLY in a way they cannot.

the world will soon be "mental"

oh brother ethan.

it already is

(who is this guy.is he with proxy or the NCIA)my god I am beginning to halluciante

i am losing my mind,

the room i sleep in is the size of a walk in closet

it is humid

clothes are strewn all over the floor.a large tv sits in ther corner .

taking over

i cannot watch it

for more than a few minutes

i am too depressed to pick up the clothes on the floor

i hear someone out side laughing at the tv

when i walk around all i see when i look up at windows is colors moving around.wait till they see

what's next.there will be colors moving around all right.

and sound

and-

I felt better on the streets

i felt connected

i felt hungry

i felt something

i didnt feel like screaming

not in this way

if i wanted to scream i yelled.

this is completely different,

and whats this about not needing money

only people who have it tell people they dont need it

one rich guy i knew.when i asked him for a loan told me to read "the secret" dude the secret is you giving me some start up cash asshole

"this type of thinking won't wash" ethan whispers."your negativity really knows no bounds"

but it does.

maybe that's all ive learned in my 40 odd years.and i start packing

"it's easier to go when you have less and less"I now speak out loud.to ethan to proxy to the NCIA.

to the walls.

"and that jimbis is the point.you have served your sentence there is nothing for you here.so next time you abandon your post..

next time you whine about direct sunlight and the coldness of the nite.or the jack in the box.remember this room.there is nothing here,in a room .in someone else's house

nobody much buys this art.my dealer says it's not universal enuf.

that there's always ME in the paintings.hmmmI tend to agree.(i agree with anyone who ..has money when i am extra extra weak.)

and the first thing i picture

is me painting Evan's farm

i am broke enuf to be forced into the system.

a shelter.a program.a PLACE

I am scared.

but it seems worse here.

my god.

my god my god.

i was not this pathetric on the streets.

i could end up at my mothers' that woman.

i cant call her my mother.

this is where you go where there is no place to go is all

and nobody to ask

you go mad.

i have to leave.

i have to go

i need money

i need to move on.

i need help and not advice.

a place..rent.stuff nobody ever thinks of

just draw.just wait something will come along.

something did come along.

something came along

 and took.

leaving me

nothing