down to earth

my dr has asked me to attend the Pinecone Man meeting which is held every tuesday at the lutheran church on umbra st
"...they want me down to earth.and smiling.and greatful..THEY.My Helpers.i despise them...know what? i used to despise my self for feeling this way.
.but i swear to god .I  can care less anymore
.do you have any fucking idea how fucking demoralizing it is..to be in this position.
..and not just for a year but years."
.Lets keep the cursing to a minimum says the chairperson.who sits in a chair.Calling on another raised hand to speak out
." being a pineconeman  well it isnt quite like being  crazy"someone says" it just sometimes means you cant do some stuff without help..but you are treated like a god damned  what's the word."

.

"like a mental patient you mental patient ,"i can't help but think
.My mind is not very sympathetic these days.I know nobody at the pinecone meeting
.i just know every pinecone thinks they are somehow better or more unique or better pinecones than everyone else.Myself included i suppose if i get honest,but honestly i just came for the donuts.Some douchebag just went on about the guy who wrote "howl".Ha I think. this guy ?this guy thinks he has the" greatest minds of our times destroyed by..."jesus i am bored,so i move my eye around hoping nobody sees me bothering to give a damn what's around me(that's my thing,not giving  a damn what's around me.i dont want to break character,even with these losers)but boredon always wins,so I risk this eye rove and begin comparing myself to the others around the circle,we are all dressed in cheap clothes.we all have bad haircuts.but i have a feeling this guy named jordan deliberately fucked up his hair to outdo the rest of us.I had seen this jordan character at the table that had cookies and stuff .he had a  piddle -about manner that seemed forced,a studied namby pamby pathetic air that screamed superiority if one looked hard enough.you could tell he thought himself a master pinecone man.but hell if he'd say so.all shucks shucks shucks was this guy..i could imagine his griftygraffy comeon to pineconey pinecone collector types,dumping his wares deliberately woebegon on some table.apologizing for his existance and the rawness of his work...Ahhh give the guy a break, i thought.the problem with this type.Our type(oh how i hate having to write  or think OUR) is that it's both at the same time.we must somehow learn to parlay our social misfit shit into some style that is our own.all the while pretending it isnt there.this quirk(no quirk aint the word,too gentle ,too tv,this" missigness" is more like it.all the while trying to compensate for it and genuinely fight it.if only to get off food stamps or look like we dont get them at all at least..we both looked dejected and crazy but with my movement disorder I knew i looked even more pathetic.I couldnt help but sense he was trying to study my tics and slight spasms to use them at a later date to add to his dejected ness.feeling a mite bad for him i let him grab the last jellyroll.
see .even the pinecone set have a few feelings.very few.certainly, not enuf .for life is  a rather social event it seems and let me explain that anyone who has  had to settle for a life making pinecones into shapes and such..well things with a guy like that are usually a bit off..there is something wrong with a person like this..or trust me.they would be doing something else..funny also that this sort also seems to need the most help functioning  in the world when this sort hates being helped or taken care or conversated with .These are people best left alone as he often needs complete control of his environment or a fit of sometype will occur which can often last for days..one wonders why caretaker types want them around.and one cannot help but become at least just a little bit suspiscious.of all motives involved.for this "not quite there"type sometimes provides  a "there but for the grace of god go i " one upman shit smile to the ones around him.and trust me.pinecone types know it.we read everything.we are magical  like that.

"is this seat taken a squinty type in his 40s says,i dont like him till i see him nervously clutching a ball of play dough for support and guidance.which he immediately begins tearing at.I let go of some of my pent up tics to make him feel less "less than".people like this i have such compassion for,endless.. until they might want to befriend me.or ask to "go for coffee"...it is best if sorts like us travel alone in my opinion...a true pinecone knows not to ask or accept things like phone numbers,movie dates etc knowing the internal grunting and inner fussing mushing it will cause...and that one must go away with..but it takes years to learn ,well into ones late 30s.sometimes 40s...conversations are horrible things.i know squinty guy next to me would rather make shapes with playdough than pretend to care what i am saying about my playdough,clay or pencil comings and goings.sometimes our sort is misjudged as narsistic,antisocial etcetc..nah..though i can see how one can get confused..they as well are in their own worlds.and like them i'm afraid we must often have to aquire an agenda.but it is not the same.pinecone  men though rather hateful in demeanor at times as jumbly blurbly mumbo jumbo handshake shit is always the course of the day (hows about them Eagles?)Pinecone men are essentially good.unless they become desperate.,poor or feel trapped.like all of us.at the meeting.
there had lately been an influx believe it or not of pseudo pinecone men.regualr arty types with social lives,social behavior skills.other incomes etc..saying they were pinecones men.taking real money away from us."thanks to these pretenders;"one memeber said "i lost the little income i had from the marble sandcastles i was making.now i must live with gordon."
gordon supposedly forces him to eat with him.at the same table and not over a sink where he feels more comfortable..gordon also has a habit of asking him how his day is ,daily.
i can see how this can get annoying because
a pinecone man's days are largely the same.there are variances usually having to do with the state of one's current pinecone (or otherwise)creation.or if it  is too humid. or loud outside .stuff like that.it is a difficult life for some.Suddenly out of nowhere.Someone creaked a chair.and than moved the chair ever so slightly,perhaps to mask the creak..
pineconemen don't like abrupt sound.changes in light .things like that can often bring on a mind tantrum in my self.but it was odd seeing the entire group's temperature change.i felt like i was being asked to sit through an entire tv show with someone on a couch.the same couch.I hoped the chairwoman knew enough to end the meeting early.The guy next to me broke off a small bit of playdough and handed it to me.This gesture settled my nerves.i grumbled inaudibly.he returned the grumble.by the end of the meeting i had made the playdough into a puppy head..Meaning i should keep it.This would be enough social contact to keep me going for days,anymore than this and i might lose every bit of myself,.

................................................................................"who wants to be the fucking pinecone man.
i had come back not only suicidal but punchacidal".group home s!those god awful programs .in nasty airless rooms.with horrible sayings on the wall...there are never wealthy people in there.funny that it never occurs to anyone that lack of money is what is driving pineconemen crazy. "
i cant snap out of it.
i am so filled with some kind of returning helplessness
i cant believe i am back to this.

saying anything to get thru ...until they are mad
poor people .
people beholden ...they disappear into thank you.and fake smiles.
and than one day they stop smiling or caring.
there is nothing
they can care less if they end up in "a home" and shit.
they might have more fucking dignity
punchacidal indeed.

the paintings were scream after scream after scream.you cant write now you cant speak..you just want to smash and smash.
.you are this close.to going crazy cuz you see years of this horrble beholdeness and poverty..you see a shrink and why and why..cuz you are losing it cuz you are poor.you are poor you are poor and cant move forward and how is this a mental problem
you are in the welfare office you are sitting there  you are in someones room afraid to get paint on the floor in a tiny space you can barely move in .and idiots say its not so bad its not so bad its not so bad.but it is worse than bad worse than bad worse than bad

and you know the cycle of rage will begin but you know that this time it only leads to paint smears.
punchacidal.
all your huimanity is gone.
hate hate hate
and you are so hateful now you dont even care if its wrong to hate
so you get paralized.
and lay there
and hope you die"

thinking as i crush the playdough into nothing at all