it was hard to know what evan was saying.....

" Oh you don't know..it's very hush hush but everybody knows..Oh please tell me you don't know...well I can't say ,it's a thing they've been working on since the late 80's...tv darhling what do you think I'm talking about ..the silicon valley BEFORE their was a silicon valley and every studio from her to France had a piece in it..now everyone says what what..we did what what," Megan says into the phone,more into the phone than to Barbara,a 5th choice friend for phone chats,"yes interneural interface,I won't explain it again", "
". Brad says I shouldnt talk about it but he talks of nothing else,I swear he keeps a monitor near our bed,he tracks this guy's every move He doesnt call him by name just Demon or Sicko,"Mega says eating pieces of a fruitrollup Ash left near the sink,. ".I try to read the monitor but you have to use a special headset and you have to be able to decipher things,and Brad said it could be dangerous getting into a mind like that,supposedly he's UNSOLVABLE or something ..I don't know.. bad forces or something? after all He is called Demon ,.sick sick sick and we're not talkin s-i-c- we're talking s-i-c-K with a big K...from what i hear."
" They assumed Demon was dead,everyone was so damned paranoid back than remember how everyone acted at Shelly's bat Mitzvah ?1994.June,you remember,it was like a funeral,poor Shelly...Well this guy who they thought I dont know died or something like comes back.to LA' ..they supposedly never tried it again,Megan says reaching into the pantry for another fruit roll up."..horseshit I assume half the actors working today use interneural interface.half of these people can't even read. but this guy,this demon, was like a test version and they drove him god damn nuts,he took all this speed and started like seeing shit or something with Parson Nilson of all people at the helm.Parson Nilson "she shouts into the phone hoping brenda can sense her eye roll,"he used to be in herman's hermits or something..anyway they just wanted to cover it up..they picked the wrong guy.who knew he was a speed freak. or a demon or whatever he is.
well demon it seems is writing a screenplay or something.but he doesnt know it was just some.. device so people wouldnt need scripts or sight lines I assume.,what else could it be for Brenda? and he of course he assumes it's like angelsor devils and shit..well Harry took a picture of Demon sicko drinking lemonaide at a starbucks.whats he look like not much i can tell you that much. i was expecting horns or something the way they talk but lemonaide?at starbucks?..."



Macy Enty had traveled all the way to olive View to see me
besides being a producer macy was also a dactologist"I really think this writing is making you sick"


Macy rakes a chair up to the bed,"i had an aunt who was schizophrenic,she talked and talked about all sorts of things.
...I imagine if there was an internet she would have typed and typed her crazy all over the place.and i suppose than she still would have been put away"
"" ya really think they could put someone away for typing cw-cwa-cwazy shit online?"
     "yes jimbis I think they could?"
"you should go back east,," she says getting up,wiping her hands with a towelette,".Mind reading,Mind Reading equipment, my aunt mary used to talk of such things...nothing but trouble she became in the end.And posting this gibberish online is just not a very good idea.People .well people just might get the wrong idea,"




i wasnt supposed to post at all.at first it was me just thinking it was a muse or something .when i was still in sherman oaks,
but than it got all poltergeistish.bossing me around.getting very serious.
i can tell you one fucking thing
whomever is pulling the strings around here sure as shit has alot more money power and everything than i do

was this some morality test.?
where the hell was i supposed to pull this morality out of.?huh

if god came to me,the real bossman it might be different
i dont know if he'd be kind but I expect he would be fair like,"well Jimbis it might take me like 15 years to see where this bullshit came from in your head and how to undo it
.he wouldnt go all horror show etc..i mean think of it
when like adam first heard god booming he must have been like oh no oh no oh no
than if god was like reading his mind which i presume he could.what would adam do
what if his thoughts were adhd or unpleasant etc.
was he supposed to be like ok god.(stop) I will mend my ways (stop)or would his mind be like fuck fuck fuck i'm freezing and this eve needs food ..or oh fuck eve im not even into her ,than god might be real pissed and he'd be like sorry sorry sorry.but imagine if he wasnt sorry and god knew it
than he'd have to spend like all this energy somehow running away from his true thought and still be hungry and still have to interneural with god who he knew could like turn him into dust


"or Macy they might just get the right idea"I say
'small life video and wallhangings let me tell you just how small that life can get"
"oh it is quite small enough thank you,"
"we're concerned is all,"she says and I swear i believe her"there is something in you that isnt quite right,look at you.,running crazy in the streets of OUR town,serves you right"
"and just why was i running crazy in the streets"
"you fear the tool .and don't hear the instructions"she says warmly softly touching my arm with her fingers till I feel the press of a hard polished nail

dactology had far reach.now called Neuronautics




and presumed that it would only be a matter of time
before they got one of theirs
IN THERE
could be 10 years could be 20
they wanted to be ready for it
names
numbers
and history's of TROUBLESOMES


 a TYPE that seemed to cause
Brackolian ENROT output
destroying the vibrations of the atmosphere or the ENWAY as Rainy called it

thanks to Proxy
and the PROCESS
the ENROT in individuals could now be measured and observed

the wrong READ ING
often meant that not only was the individual not suited for Interneural Interface
but furthermore was "not right enough " to particpate in non neural ENWAY

since as Rainy discovered ENROT output needed no technological enhancement to pollute the atmosphere.

"what one does is less important than what one thinks"
Gary Rainy said ,"one can do almost anything.but it is one's thinking that cannot mislead. At least when one's style of thinking is monitored over time A read can determine one's true nature much more accurately than what one says or does..Furthermore the thoughts of a person travel much further into the ENWAY than do any one individuals actions,which may or not be "lies" or done "to precipitate a response"

it was Rainy's presumption that one bad man's thoughts was equal to ten thousand good men's deeds.
a Bad Man was either overcome by Brackolia or
much worse invited Brackolia in
into the ENWAY

the PROCESS
involved trained DACTICIANS to read one's interior monolog using interneural interface
trained READERS could determine if the Individual
was SOLVABLE

most individuals could be solved
by DECODING and UNLOADING techniques

it was the UNSOLVABLES who were dangerous

the UNSOLVABLE problem was a problem that Gary wanted absolutely transparent.
for he stood determined in his beliefs that an UNSOLVABLE should be a PERISHABLE
and wiped off the ENWAY PLAIN

PERISHABILITY was necessary for a certain style of thought Rainy claimed.thoughts that with or without interface polluted the world The "waves of thought "Rainy documented were as real as the micro or gamma waves.If ,as some claim he believed these waves ,were alien in nature was of little merit ,Rainy proclaimed, for a wave is a wave,evil is evil."let us not talk of aliens or anything else ,"he would wink"that you might mock me with,I speak of true science,let us not get off track."
some true loyalists of Rainy debated whether even wiping a PERISHABLE off the face of the earth solved the problem of their ENROT coming back
so important did Rainy feel about this problem that in the 1970's
he began  courting many in the film industry, encouraging  many producers ,actors and writers to  see
 ENWAY atrophy of the times
encouraging them also to explore the themes of  UNSOLVABILITY on screen

  but also a good many dealing with the SOLVABLES journey to QUIET

bluemoon

but what good is this
.i am trapped.
augmented.
I am being resolved
I was game
I wanted help
but now
it
s turned into something else

detainment?
suspiscion


 fake visions


a true god would know what i need is not games and symbols
but to change my thoughts about others
and they do not and they do not
for what do symbols mean? to me

 there is nothing to link them to
  feelings  i have turned them off long ago when i couldnt take it

feeling

gibberish
I follow them to rich sections of town
they tell me to not speak ..
just listen

 fake .created by man .images. holograms
i have the sight .'she says but I know she doesn't like me in her house I am not beautiful enuf to go with her "things"



.this woman ,this rich woman in her kitchen so big so white.but not quite whiter than her says
there were times days moments
which made it impossible to believe that it was anything but magic .i am more afraid  the more
i tell her
more afraid that this is true.that what i am experiencing is cosmic.
that it is somehow...... true.

but it isnt  but it isnt

i hate that i am involved.
i am afraid to go back to los angeles.but i must
it is my duty..to see what #####will do to me next
but i must become good.
good in a way i am not and never was.
to think not only of my own life but of mankind.( i think like some crazy fucker at a comicon convention,but someone must get the word out)
they shoved things in my arm .
...My 6 foot rabbit
she knows it.Her smile fades.
I see lipstick on her teeth now.
my eyes loses some focus(evan takes over.."you need this women you need success".Smile be greatful)but i see the lipstick as blood.and somehow she knows it.
does it matter
does it matter that it is all made up.the future.the now.the chance.even this woman's fake smile
"think of it as aliens?what next...
she hates me
in an instant
i won't be a believer in Lies
unless they pay me..or so they have thought
it is that cheap.am i am so obviously percieved as such.as i counted on
as my father had taught me
thank god i remeber
my days are numbered
thank god

the real one
not this


the woman comes to me ..
she tells me to sit in another room
she  comes close to me ..whispers in my ear..
"they caught you..they think ,"she says" closer "you're a weirdo"..they find you amusing
they will make a game of you..
I was told not to answer..
I sit there smiling
not hearing but Knowing
...she seems to read my mind
no
you DONT know..
you don't want to..

PROJECT DENTINE(below the gum line)

by 1963
Rainy had close associations with NASA and Hollywood ,as well as feelers out in Washington DC
undisclosed technological know how
pertaining to sophisticated sound and emoting techniques..was the" talk of the moment"  when one primarily talked to embittered ex scientists in Rainy's field of interest ,
non localized sound and pre holographic 3 dimentional 3 d televised imagery.

I was brought up Rainy.
By Kim.
Kim was part of the Rainy Clan.
rainy children had to be brought up in a specific manner.
there was protocal to follow.
there were reasons.
* * ** * ***

nobody could touch the Rainy children except with special gloves.so the children would not feel the warmth of skin.the children were fed,changed and washed in this matter,with no direct eye contact
it was about .design .it was about purity
it was about association and a specific bonding
that was neccesary for a proper attachment
an attachment more toward science and developmental thought and processing than of the tenuous joy of temporary stability
  Rainy had far more reaching ambitions for his brood than fleeting comfort and found that the best way a child becomes strong and self reliant was through a type of self tempering that a child raised in "quiet"acquires.
and a "quiet" first 7 months was required for the bonding experience to succeed as the goal of "quiet" was to pre train the child to be opened toward a less standard Guidance Mechanism
He had written a thesis deriding the  notion of Maternal Attachments being of keen importance.stating it was usually with the mother figure and caregivers in this first 7 months that future years of problems often began(later he included  more Brackolian reasons for this i.e more clinging Brack,which he said were either metaphors.or not depending on ones true standing in the Universe)
by taking this first 7 month scenario completely out of the equation
Rainy Children were free to" Become"
free of the knots and confusion of the on again off again comings and goings of percieved given and recieved love.
Rainy concluded that keeping the switch on OFF contimuously made the ON
all the more substantial
and because the ON required more cerebral capabilities than a new born could relate to
it was of utmost importance that an attachment prior to this month not be established.
"3 hots and a cot " was Rainy's motto .
Quiet ,as rainy called the post natal time period of limited entanglements  lead to the activation of self regulated tempering of oneself and ones ENU Spheres that one brought with him into the world.
for a Cleaner ,authentically pure neural 'starting place"
that was universal and equal for all Rainy children it was premptive to first introduce associations through artificial device.especially because Rainy Children future champions of modern thought were primarily to think in terms of symbols in a more bianary capacity.
which would make these Rainy children "state of the art" concerning their interactions which Rainy wanted to be beyond the 5 senses.Rainy Children of "quiet" OFF would awaken to full ON "in the air,thinking" "on air thinking"No need for the limits of "limitless space of...space
by age 2 the mirrors were replaced by face time with a 3 dimentional projected cloud over the toddlers crib that would sometimes "smile"sound would also intermittantly placate the child usually pitched to a soothing 250 megahurtz.sounding much like Rainy himself.

the child's interactions with these gentle vibrations were enough to move
the Rainy Children into a pre school environment.all but a few
high functioning enough to sit thru class
the addition of an "imaginary friend"would be added during the child's 4th year,

synthesized beginnings Rainy explained also made the intiation of LORE almost seamless.LORE was just one of the reasons for this technological "hands off" approach to early rearing.LORE involved quickening the child's link to televised indicators that would reinforce their kinship with the rainy clan.specific words and entire story lines,features,and programs that would not be introduced into the mainstream for 20 or 30 years were assimilated into the already fragmented collective minds of the Clan.A head start ,a heads up to the New Way.besides the smiles of the 3d clouds and comfort of the omni present sound devices.key pieces of pop Culture Cues .LORE relied extensively on Rainy keeeping his and his followers feet always in the mainstream .always a rainy follower "in the loop" both in washington dc and moreso Hollywood USA .for it was of key importance that the Symbiotic Cues were presented by key players in the industry (in code,non coded,in plain .sight or otherwise)in tandem with the SYNTHESIZED BEGINNINGS program.the indicater/cue could sometimes be as simply as an art director placing a light green bed spread in a Key spot on a sight specific tv program.sometimes it was just a film's title.sometimes an entire storyline or sometimes a phrase(know what i mean jellybvean?)that would instigate a signifigant cerebral response in children raised Rainy that cemented their faith in the New Way,much like a visual of a mother making cookies could bring a rush emotion to a non rainy child.a Green Kite introduced 5 seconds after a thunder clap could bring a rainy child to momentary joy.

{Rainy wrote several short stories for Rainy DaY Magazine ,an adventure sci fi magazine for boys)based on his access to "secret technologies"especially the televised image,primarily how TV was primarily developed as a weapon not enetertainment.he says that it was about this time that he came under fire from "the powers that be"and for a time moved to mexicoHe privately said he thought "the powers that be" we envious that he and his clan had "beaten them to the punch by quite literally hardwiring humans to respond insych with codeified television.(his stories flourished for a time in mexico.especially stories based on the Control of Time ,the creation of Key Popular Culture events in advance to trigger all sorts of economic and societal shifts"is there any other way?"he bragged always with a phone in his hand to the script writers(alway keen to slip a green kite followed by a thunder clap into the Pilot for a few more dollars.).There he continued his testing equipment and interneural reading theory he continued writing his stories for adventure magazines.many of these implied that certain technological advancements were kept under wraps and released in small measure to the world at large long after it's powers or military applications were exhausted.sometimes implying there was some type of Alien intelligence at the helm.but often this was only said when "authorities got "too close" and he would cry "fiction,fiction"..
the child's interactions with these gentle vibrations were enough to move
the Rainy Children into a pre school environment.all but a few high functioning enough to sit thru class
the addition of an "imaginary friend"would be added during the child's 4th year,

newsboy cap

i was still wearing my white shirt and trench coat.i was half st. elsewhere half awake laying on the bench .it was morning, there were joggers dog walkers.I saw crime scene lab assistant girl putting on eye make up at another bench

"i made a move to get up."
"shhh," she said,"lay still,they might recognize you
"oh" this play acting shit again She approached,looking this way and that,i could even see her eyes literally dart to and fro.very scooby doo.From her bookbag she took out a newsboy cap and placed it on my head.who was i supposed to be this time.
since last night she had changed her "costume" wearing now a blonde wig and big dark glasses,she spoke now with a british accent,
"i must speak quickly,you must listen discreetly."
always.always aware that Proxy was always  listening.i nonetheless made a gesture that it was all between us"
sometimes i thought these "street performers" were with Proxy .sometimes against Jimbis Bond.spare me.you really are losing youre fucking mind you bean bag.Lately my thoughts were Proxyesque.Even when there was no graphing my thoughts were  becoming more and more like theirs..
"here," she said ,put this on,"she handed me a newsboy hat and a small paste on mustache.I drew the line at the mustache but donned the hat.she gave me a please please me look ,to go along and I began pasting the mustache in place.she darted her eyes too and fro and sat close ,way too close,her english accent now russian,she whispered in my ear," we must keep out voices down and our visage up"
My mustache was on,i was a visaged as i could get.
"what was in that perfume.."
"HUSH ,you fool..."she swatted me with a hankerchief and began,her accents wavering between english ,russian and even irish
PROJECT DENTINE was a covert operation dreampt up by the suits at National Office."maybe you heard about Project Dentine?"
I was trying to figure out my character,but the newsboy hat through me off.and the mustashe tickled.
"no...I don't think I have"
A jogger passed,she froze,than picked up a newspaper.and began "pretend reading"I didnt know what i was supposed to do.i had no pretend reading material.so i stared at the river
"stop that ! she yelled.Or we'll have to do this all over again"
"stop what,"I said,indignant
"stop staring and making a spectacle of yourself .You are ruining everything."
not wanting to begin again I refocused my eyes.and even made direct eye contact.as did she.it  was like we were in a film.
"project Dentine,as you must have heard rumor of was national office 1961 directive to place transmitters in people's dental fillings"
"oh yes ,oh yes i have heard speak of such matters quite knowingly  in the various mental facilities  I and no doubt you as well have been in."
she stopped cold.was it something I said?
i hated pauses in general,especially when i caused them.not knowing what to do I began fake reading the newpaper.
I wish she had bought a cane or something to this "presentation" so i might have another prop to rely on.I knew from experience that half of this mumbo jumbo was deliberate,but I wondered where she was going.Boy were her operatives getting lazy,it was an insult.Transmitters in toothfillings indeed.
"not just fillings she said,composing herself,clearly i wasn't the first to call her on her sanity,playacting codification or not,",a  metal button,a tie clip anything that Laramie Satelite could center on."
"oh I said . THAT Project Dentine
Losing all semblance of theater she spoke naturally.She held my face and looked at me too seriously.More seriously than I ever wanted to be looked at ever again ..
'Once one is "locked' than one can be placed.It's about microwaves,and beta waves.In the 1980's Enon waves that could travel directly into one's nasal passages and into one's brain were first developed."
"Talk about invasion of the body snatchers."
she let go of my face
"No asshole we were talking about human augumentation and not from any Proxy corp..don't you get it?"
I ripped off my mustashe and stood.

but before i could she doused me with St.Elsewhere and I all but disappeared

i was out .late .it was misting or whatever they call it.not really drizzling.less people out
.and(sometimes) more of Them
 out..
.they usually  appear as obvious as possible. So best to spot them
this one,suddenly standing next to me dolled up as as the ubiquitous nerdybut spunky ,punky maroon haired ,bespectacled scientist type on so many one hour crime dramas
"know what i mean jelly bean "she said
pulling the cigarette out of my mouth.and mimicing my stance,i was staring at the river.
"well that's a move in the right direction,at least you're actually looking at something..you're lookin all schizoid since you've returned to philly..."
"i"m trying to pull myself together..."
"Not very well it seems,"she said looking me up and down
" i might join a gym.."
"something..anything,...we're losing you.."
before i can get all jumpy and screamy ,shouting who who exactly are you.Why do you come around, She removed a white shirt a tie and an overcoat from her bookbag which she quickly and wordlessly buttoned up on me.So as to better react to her..I now vaguely resembling a distracted though professional tv crime show co worker I knew the drill..she indicated that we should sit on a bench ..primitive mind reading devices,back in the 1940'German scientists mainly." very Project paper clip..brain resonant stuff,magnets,stuff like that Gary Rainy was fascinated by anything and everyone having to do with it.He knew very serious thinkers,scientist types.He wrote some rather juvenile texts for some of the less prestegeous periodicals.nonetheless making something of a name for himself..i heard bits of pieces of what she was saying
he became master at recording pulses and subtle eye moments.he created what he called Tonalites of Human Vibration.
."he knew how to write a hell of a personal letter,Knew how to gush reverence and appraisal so well of his "idols" that he recieved a very suprising amount of feedback from a good many brilliant men in his field of interest..
 also Rainy was also an astute fisherman.with a boat with closed but open invitations to "the right people"he called them fishing expeditions and they were in more ways than one"
she paused here.like she had made some joke.Uh,I said .Opening my eyes wider.Than shaking my head,than covering my mouth like "oh no" I was an awful actor.she rolled her eyes.I tugged my trenchcoat closer.And to make her feel better and to just change the scene made a silent gesture that we walk along the river.
supposedly rainy convinced at least 3 dozen of his followers to plant devices such as these into their new born children,
Children of The New Way...
it was hard to know if she was one of THEM or one of "THEM".a clusterfuck of identityHe wrote a thesis on Tone-alitys of Human Vibration ,suggesting he had also found a way to decipher small intervals of these impulses into actually Phrases and words...after teaming up with a handful of drop out MIT types ..she said. going overboard to recapture her theatrical TV type lab assistant persona to keep me engaged.but my mind was drifting.her perfume was noxious and my mind went elsewhere
"St Elsewhere "she said,"my perfume.if you're tired just lay down for a bit...


ethan had learned to walk on egg shells literally growing up.his mother had made him.she wanted the young boy to learn to walk with the lightest step possible.to make less noise.to make himself less of the burdening presence he was.his mother had crytis.a disease that made her cry out at noise and sound,sometimes even before she heard it.she made ethan wear toilet paper on his feet and shoes ,anything to quiet the boy.
i learned about crytis from ethan when i was a boy.
when i was about 5 or so.
he would visit me at night.
he first appeared on the ceiling.
like a bug ,sorta.
at first,for several months he just hung there .like a chandelier.
there seemed to be a group of kids like this.frequent fliers.before i even knew the term.
but maybe thats wrong.
none of this group of appearing boys really flew.
there was simply to heavy a feel to them.
i guess the most they could muster was this appearing bizness.more escaping than flying.sometimes 3 or more would gather.sometimes more.
none of us could sleep.
all of our parents had crytis in one form or another.which made rest difficult.for we knew what day or days were coming tommorow.
there was no talk.no heloo and such.and not even much comfort.
so what if we all "went ceiling" about every now and than.it didnt help the situations at hand much.we always returned to our own selves.
it was a sad lot.that was probably why there was not too much communication.
we were young.
our empathy was for our own lot.
our own selves.
sometimes we would crawl close together and untagle spider webs in the corners of my room.no talking.
because it was finally only ethan who came.
and ethan had learned not to speak much which was fine by me.
so we crawled about on the white ceiling.i guess while we werent really friends we were shock absorbers for each others day to days
sometimes mine were worse than his sometimes mine.
unlike how things like this are maybe now...it wasnt a contest.of "well you think that's bad..'it was
survival.

we were both in early stages.
of paranoid schizophrenia.we were 6 years old.
or DISASSIMULATION..as gary rainy had deemed it.and dreamed it.the sons of rainy must be sharp.and must be splintered.LIKE PRIMITIVES without Ego or Directive.!to be reassembled .TO TRAVEL en mass like true spirits.
but here we were.
in our 40s
just broken
NOT BROKEN .
out mothers and fathers had been part of The Rainy Clan.
we were pioneers.
and he told us why we were brought up as we were.
it was deliberate
it was why we saw things and knew things.
it was why i knew ethan before knowing him

we drank more of the communal stew.hotpockets ,blue corn,ginger.DMT SENSO.we were under a parachute.a fire in the middle .smoke billowing around us some of us coughing.but no body wanted to run,to breath fresh air...while the Rainy Clan Band's techno droned on about Babyfarm babies like us...the song repeating and repeating till it seemed perfectly easy to understand our childhoods .. because he explained it to us " a new style ,a new way to remember ...You see there is a reason you came to me and I came to you.long ago your mothers  were my wives..they may deny it.they will and your fathers ,your fathers? He brushed his hands.And shruggedYour Fathers! he yelledI .He encouraged us to giggle..He raised his hands and laughed a hearty laugh. A peal of laughing ripped through the room.".I met your mothers  in parking lots and behind gas stations when my movement was still small. it was mystical our comsumation,
a pretty gitl who looked like someone i knew from highschool suddenly snapped her fingers in front of my eyes,she had to shout above the music,"did he get to the part about how tiny transistors were placed in our heads as infants?"
"What"I said cupping my ear.
"I love that part,don't you?"
I didnt like her mocking tone,i would have to get her name.
"that part is the best,bestest and bestolicious,"she screamed,laughing.
I was trying to manuveur my cell phone to take a picture of her but she had gone

."all of you are my children. this is why i am strong with you.And why your natural mothers keep hush about their involvement.(on a big screen pictures of middle aged women appeared..one after another.I suppose we were supposed to make our own connections,i didnt know if anyone knew any of the women on the screen.if they were in fact anyone in the group's mothers,the techno got louder and some carefully placed scribbled out pictures of men(fathers?)drew angry catcalls and boos from the collective)
'several members left as you know.finding it difficult to believe.To trust..He shrugged and said "WHo Ha."
together the group shrugged ,"who Ha!"
a giant plastic beach ball was passed over the crowd.
WHO HA!" Rainy screamed.
"who Ha.," we yelled back throwing the ball ,around us and up towards the parachute's canopy
He hushed us ."and pulled on his beard,several members who left us claimed their mothers were not and could not have been with me in the early 70's and such.coming to me with so called proof that their mother was in haiwai or some such Who Ha!next they will be saying i cannot read minds He laughed a big belly laugh.encouraging us all to laugh.Who Ha he laughed,grabbing the giant beach ball and throwing it back into the crowd.
"I know it seems strange,picturing your mother with Old Father Rainy in the Old Way days...so I have brought Proof.Let  Sister Denise ..Brother Bobby's mother ,one of the original wives ..during the preharvest years explain,explain the convent.the oath taken in the early years
" as she was getting plowed by king rainy in a jcpenny dressing room i suppose.oh holy holy.besides  isn't she the waitresses at the  Bob's Big Boy",I heard sarcastic girl whispers with an audible sheesh....the woman did resemble that waitress ,but still,the internals of The New Way are complicated,and maybe..
Sarcastic girl who seemed drunk on something besides SENSO whispered in my ear.
"here comes the part about projected imageand audio,very complicated ,better take notes"
"have some fucking respect" I shouted but again  she was lost in the crowd.

your mothers.your fathers and you.I couldnt trust you being with them alone.I had to keep an eye on my babies....my future prophets and leaders so.I admit.I admit I admit. (he paused and made a motion to kill the lights,he might begin crying...NO KEEP THE LIGHT ON..Let's all from NOW on Keep the Lights On! I have admitted I was harsh.that i specifically made your childhoods HARSH!
you needed to be broken into
broken in
broken apart
to be ready to Proxy!
there were cameras HE HIMSELF ordered our parents to place ... cameras on the ceiling and microphones.YouR Fathers KNEW
.but they didnt know I recorded you LOVINGLY.I paid them.and said it was a test for ..YOU KNOW WHO.
(we know who weknowwhoweknowwho,the group sang,till rainy got us back on track)
 nothing was said about the projected images and audio during our childhood ,
so  we could GO CEILING!) so we would be prepared to Go Proxy!....maybe that was a different thing .altogether.

 a larger picture.for a "larger picturious new world ."sacrifices were made,Rainy said...before you were born to prepare the next generation.for Paradismical Paranormous Pandora...the risks the risks your  Mothers My wives have taken for you questioning,whining,heretics."he shouted.Some people began apologizing.and soon many were openly sobbing ,the others too lost and drugged to keep up"the sacrifices your mothers have made to break break break you into dots and lines and ones and zeros .so that you may float .and soon fly.!!!
Mrs Rainy joined Evan and Gary  onstage, .Suddenly the lights changed.she spoke in a mocking voice,"some of you want answers.WHY WHY WHY HOW HOW HOW.
"evan began chanting ,in a baby voice ,"whywhywhyhowhowhowwhywhywhyhowhowhow,"but before we could join along he banged the microphone for reverb and Mrs rainy began,"is that not why you really cAME.YOU INGRATES,she screamed and smiled,flicking her tongue and than she began to dry.
evan began to chant in a gentle tone, wrapping his arm around her,"no no no.,no no no. The crowd in an automatic outpouring of group thought ,began crying and shout 'No No no"
"quantum physics,cerebral reach and experiments in human augmentation,societal shifts and even rock and roll
the pyramid of control whose highest peak was above men.
millions of years ago .more than millions he told the group
"the history you have been told is false,"he shouted,the fire lighting his face from below.
"i will tell you the true way."
yes yes yes i began to chant when i saw the girl who looked like someone i knew from highschool pass out"

.I went to her and stumbled her outside the tent.


 are you alright I asked
she rolled her eyes.
"Never ask a NCIA who was raised pre- 1977 Rainy if they are alright. Dumbo "she said",Besisdes
"i'm almost ready to switch sides if only for that hot pocket stew"


 

ethan had learned to walk on egg shells  literally growing up.his mother had made him.she wanted the young boy to learn to walk with the lightest step possible.to make less noise.to make himself less of the burdening presence he was.his mother had crytis.a disease that made her cry out at noise and sound,sometimes even before she heard it.she made ethan wear toilet paper on his feet and shoes ,anything to quiet the boy.
i learned about crytis from ethan when i was a boy.
when i was about 5 or so.
he would visit me at night.
he first appeared on the ceiling.
like a bug ,sorta.
at first,for several months he just hung there .like a chandelier.
there seemed to be a group of kids like this.frequent fliers.before i even knew the term.
but maybe thats wrong.
none of  this group of appearing boys really flew.
there was simply to heavy a feel to them.
i  guess the most they could muster was this appearing bizness.more escaping than flying.sometimes 3 or more would gather.sometimes more.
none of us could sleep.
all of our parents had crytis in one form or another.which made rest difficult.for we knew what day or days were coming tommorow.
there was no talk.no heloo and such.and not even much comfort.
so what if we all "went ceiling" about every now and than.it didnt help the situations at hand much.we always returned to our own selves.
it was a sad lot.that was probably why there was not too much communication.
we were young.
our empathy was for our own lot.
our own selves.
sometimes we would crawl close together and untagle spider webs in the corners of my room.no talking.
because it was finally only ethan who came.
and ethan had learned not to speak much which was fine by me.
so we crawled about on the white ceiling.i guess while we werent really friends we were shock absorbers for each others day to days
sometimes mine were worse than his sometimes mine.
unlike how things like this are maybe now...it wasnt a contest.of "well you think that's bad..'it was
survival.

we were both in early stages.
of paranoid schizophrenia.we were 6 years old.
or DISASSIMULATION..as gary rainy had deemed it.and dreamed it.the sons of rainy must be sharp.and must be splintered.LIKE PRIMITIVES without Ego or  Directive.!to be reassembled .TO TRAVEL en mass like true spirits.
but here we were.
in our 40s
just broken
NOT BROKEN .
out mothers and fathers had been part of The Rainy  Clan.
we were pioneers.
and he told us why we were brought up as we were.
it was deliberate
it was why we saw things and knew things.
it was why i knew ethan before knowing him

we drank more of the communal stew.hotpockets ,blue corn,ginger.DMT SENSO.we were under a parachute.a fire in the middle .smoke billowing around us some of us coughing.but no body wanted to run,to breath fresh air...while the Rainy Clan Band's techno droned on about Babyfarm babies like us...the song repeating and repeating till it seemed perfectly easy to understand  our childhoods .. because he explained to us a new style ,a new way to remember them...because it was true.because it was so UnTrUE(doesitmatter,it isthe same.we in this dalographic universe are beyond matter  it is the only way the New Way to remembr and not ever remember that yes yes yes it was TRUE...he told us yes yes there were cameras HE HIMSELF ordered our parents to place ...  cameras on the ceiling and microphones.and speakers and lenses and projectors so we could GO CEILING!)....the truth he said is the lie.the lie is the truth he shouted with the synth beat..(gary explained that it was part of a larger picture.for a "larger picturious new world ."sacrifices were made...before you were born to prepare the next generation.for Paradisical Paranormaous Pandora...the risks the risks my Mothers My wives."he shouted but we were all too lost and drugged to keep up"your mothers have taken to break break break you into dots and lines and ones and zeros .so that you may float .and soon fly.!!!
a pretty gitl who looked like someone i knew from highschool suddenly snapped her fingers in front of my eyes,she had to shout above the music,"did he get to the part about how tiny trnasistors were placed in our heads as infants?"
"What"I said cupping my ear.
"I love that part,don't you?"
"sure ,"I said
I didnt like her mocking tone,i would have to get her name.
"that part is the best,bestest and bestolicious,"she screamed,laughing.
I was trying to manuveur my cell phone to take a picture of her but she had gone.Just as Evan took over the dj 's miscrophone and board
"the truth he said is the lie.the lie is the truth he shouted .slowing the beats per minute,speeding them up,creating a disjoint in the crowd.  "sacrifices were made...before you were born to prepare the next generation.for Paradisical Paranormaous Pandora...the risks the risks my  father.YOUR Mothers took. to break break break you into dots and lines and ones and zeros .so that you may float .and soon fly.!!! "he shouted but we were all too lost and drugged to keep up.He began to chant"break break break . dots and lines . ones and zeros .float .and fly.!!!
Mrs rainy joined evan onstage, .Suddenly the lights changed.she spoke in a mocking voice,"some of you want answers.WHY WHY WHY HOW HOW HOW.
"evan began chanting ,in a baby voice ,"whywhywhyhowhowhowwhywhywhyhowhowhow,"but before we could join along he banged the microphone for reverb and Mrs rainy  began,"is that not why you really cAME.YOU INGRATES,she screamed and smiled,flicking her tongue and than she began to dry.
evan began to chant in a gentle tone, wrapping his arm around her,"no no no.,no no no. The crowd in an automatic outpouring of  group thought ,began crying and shout  'No No no"
"quantum physics,cerebral reach and experiments in human augmentation,societal shifts and even rock and roll
the pyramid of control whose highest peak was above men.
millions of years ago .more than millions he told the group
"the history you have been told is false,"he shouted,the fire lighting his face from below.
"i will tell you the true way."
yes yes yes i began to chant when i saw the girl who looked like someone i knew from highschool pass out"
evan rainy had put on his "vestment" he resmebled a Pharoah as he sped talk everything under the sun to mesmerize and confuse what he secretly called the Sqeaky Fromm element,for they always had the most credit cards
"quantum physics,cerebral reach and experiments in human augmentation,societal shifts and even rock and roll
the pyramid of control whose highest peak was above men.
millions of years ago .more than millions he told the group
evan  had put on his "vestment" he resmebled a Pharoah as he sped talk everything under the sun to mesmerize and confuse what he secretly called the Sqeaky Fromm element,for they always had the most credit cards
"quantum physics,cerebral reach and experiments in human augmentation,societal shifts and even rock and roll
the pyramid of control whose highest peak was above men.
millions of years ago .more than millions he told the group
'that's how they do it in dixie",Mrs Rainy said grabbing a miscrophone,dressed in her traditonal Cowgirl uniform,she spoke in a monotone fast talk chant,as all scientific "hooble dash" could only be spoken ,for it destroyed THE DACTILIAN FLOW..but you want answers.
"is that not why you really cAME.YOU INGRATES,she screamed and smiled,flicking her tongue.tossing her hat into the crowd.. she spoke in tongues,or tried to
somuchofthecurrent technologies that come out year  by year were in fact dreampt up decades ago.and released piece by piece
often 50 years from conception
for information has been handled like this since the so called beginning of time.
for there are cross associations in this story that are beyond human understanding,"i signaled ethan to take this time to slip outside,we both knew enough to have spit out the "stew" .We had both been raised as Rainy by the NCIA but even with the recent Enchantment Training this was too fucking much..
 evan rainy had put on his "vestment" he resmebled a Pharoah as he sped talk everything under the sun to mesmerize and confuse what he secretly called the Sqeaky Fromm element,for they always had the most credit cards
"quantum physics,cerebral reach and experiments in human augmentation,societal shifts and even rock and roll
the pyramid of control whose highest peak was above men.
millions of years ago .more than millions he told the group .we were under a parachute.a fire in the middle .smoke billowing around us some of us coughing.but no  body wanted to run,to breath fresh air.
"the history you have been told is false,"he shouted,the fire lighting his face from below.
"i will tell you the true way."

outside the tent i met up with Ethan
"you alright?"
Never ask a NCIA who was raised pre 1977 Rainy if they are alright.
he rolled his eyes.
"i'm this close to just switching sides.if only for the free stew." he said
I knew just what he meant.

 

.(she mixes herself a drink,her place is huge.the room is huge,she is slender and pretty and clean..she moves around alot ,she has grace  and poise,the are flowers around and large pieces of art everywhere,on the floor ,on the walls)i am in Katy's big  shiny kitchen,..she is looking at her laptop shaking her head

"oh dear" she says
this writing of yours really must stop..
how can i do my job with this going on and on ,She pauses and looks at me seriously,but smiles,"and on"
.she's a friend of joshuah .joshuah's girlfriend told her she must meet me.she is rich

"there are things in the world .there are things in the world.",she quickly laments and snaps her laptop closed,"my husband was taken away by such things"
taken away?i ask

"don't ask."she says

"and for christs sake don't tell."

"Megan ",she says"a close friend of mine had an experience with aliens.have you ever considered that this incident you describe was of that persuasion "she looks at me nodding,like i should nod back and keep nodding,which I do,she smiles",well these aliens wrecked havoc on poor megan,.until she had no idea what side was what..She had some brief encounter on a cruise somewhere off the gulf of mexico,if you ask me it was consentual..mega has always been quite an extrovert if you get my drift..well,she couldnt stop talking about it.illuminati this and that alien this alien that..until nobody wanted to know her.At first the stories were amusing and often she literally i mean literally floated 3 feet off the floor when recounting her travails,, and than it was just 'jesus christ dont invite megan to the labor day party or we'll have to hear about THAT again.levitation or no levitation.know what i mean.."

jellybean

it wasnt aliens i said
"aliens ,secret experiments,whatever,
she looked at me .and just stopped.just plain stopped her airs,her act,her mannerisms.she looked like she might shake me but instead her voice got warmer but also stronger ,her eye contact didnt waiver ..
"you must somehow move on...it isnt healthy,and to be honest its dangerous.one doesnt fuck with the unknown.what we must work on is the here and now.art.the subject now is art."

"i cant do it,"" i say

"you cant do it the same way youve done it.i say we throw money at the situation.real money.no more of this fly by your pants nonsense.i see a big wide opened room white and bright.a large living space where ever you might like to be ,a city,in the country,,enough money for you to live like a human being.Inside the real world not cut off from it.maybe than you won't return" to that "so much..and just keep it where it should be.."she relaxs her stance and her light smile returns

"how many assistants do you think you might need 2 ,3?"

"3" i say getting into the spirit of this.

"3 it is,"she beams

I beam back,,and it feels,like.. .A Beam,
"and maybe"she says "we can get one who;s really cute just for the hell of it.do you like blondes?"\
"

"redheads".i say

"So it did take after  all," she says,clapping her hands.

now imagine if you will the other operations that the operators had/have in store.especially when the tv and movie industry became involved..underpaid screenwriters make the best interneural muralists.interneural muralists are themost dagerous people on the face of the earth.lately they have begun using my own blog entries in my very dreams.2 nights ago i had a dream that began harmless enough. a monty python type style introduction with the NCIA portrayed as bewigged colonial types in a modern federal office building discussing just how wrong my last stint in LA had indeed gone.

a higher up stands at a presentation board with a long pointer on the board is a photo of my mother.
"what type of woman would participate in Project Tommy"he asks
"well u havent met Kim.Or Jimbis'father for that matter.ambitious in his own right,"
another ,still in the broad style of brit comedy,this dream muralist adds a laugh track<"I thought Operation Rosemary's baby was thrown out with the bathwater"
                   the chairman shouts,"can we stay on point please.This is serious business he shouts ,though i glimpse him foddling himself underthe long table,"this is serious bizzzzness.if you only knew the various situations it took to shatter a small child's mind into this goldfish thinking."
                   A senator type picks his head off the table"goldfish thinking .so better to place the symbols into the basket...does anyone have a deck of cards?"
                  The chairman hushes him and slaps his hand "i thought we were staying away from the manchurian candidate"
                     "which one," an effeminate captain type says
                     'which one what"
                      'which version.I didnt much care for  the denzel washington one.at all.I didnt much like the movie version of "tommy " either" and I think the musical was over rated as well.At least the one we saw in London"
                    The senator suddenly stands  and salutes  shouting "are you men or are you mushrooms!"
                The chairman suddenly morphs into the strange white haired man in the movie "seconds"and the tone changes .The muralist dims the "lighting" and deepens my REM
  " the point is Jimbis 3 has sided with the Dactologists.or thats what i thought .Ive read some of his notes and he seems to now be creating his own version.which i am not so sure the dactologists like anymore than we do.I"m afraid he might be "losing it" in a whole new way"
   "he is WINNING"the senator says.I liked him better when he was whining."
"whining just maybe the new winning ," the effeminine captain sings,I saw his sermon on ACTORS on Interneural direct.I think he should part his hair on the other side."
       "perhaps we should ahve paid him or given him I don't know some impetous.instead of keeping him utterly beholden to every god damn person he knows well into his 40's .maybe that has something to do with his "new winning attitude,One can't really call what he is doing a breach .there was never any contract for him to break.not really.half the time we convince him .or convince him to convince others that interneural is his own madness."
    "Pish"says the captain"he is not as dumb as he puts on."
    the chairman eyes the captain angrily,he hates people who say things like pish .as do i.I have a feeling i know what's coming next.when one identifies.the muralist takes more liberties.A damien lewis moment?or would that breaK stride.
        "we never thought of him as needing money,The chairman says,"he seems to hate more and more being "cared for" I thought this might have worked on our behalf.
   a secretary chimes in ,for a moment she morphs into my mother"this faggot has been playing "tommy" since 1998
meth made him capable of gathering his senses
.but for all appearances he appears as delayed as ever.
The effeminine captain claps his hands like a little school girl suddenly turning into a buddah baby
"tell them about the Wire ,tell them about the Wire!"
"which one,"says a yes man type ,followed by a jerky laugh track...
(the tone changes,i get the sense that this muralist is for me.wants me to begin KnOwing things.)
he has 2 sets
TWO INTERNEURAL KITS!
Cindy Sacket was turned in 2006 and gave us the sequencing data and Prox Implant design
"my goodness<"giggled the Captain,"i couldnt imagine one set of neural interface implants let alone 2.Poor Jimbis3 we should throw the double faced bastard a parade"
"is this parade before or after we hang him for sedition"
"i'd be seditious too if I had to claim schizophrenic meth head for 2 decades.half the time  the sorry son of a bitch thinks he's just hearing voices."
"that's besides the point!"
"besides the point to whom!" I scream suddenly in the dream."Sedition!Hanging.No you fucking cunts.Did somebody say parade!it's almost too late to pay me .Just who is the criminal!"
"you are Jimbis3 and if I were you I'd go back to sleep"
"Ive been asleep for 43 yeaRS.never again"
they ignore me.
so whats' new.
the fag captain starts singing little drummer boy and the senator makes a cutting jesture with his finger .like the joker in the batman movie.at this point i would glad be slit to simply know once and for all if this was really happening.
"this isnt a dream .this is really happening the captain says trying to sound likeMia farrow"
"thats' my line " the secretary shouts.
2 headsets.one of them Proxy.the other the Northern Canadian Intelligence Agency.hmmmm...but what about the uhh ummm..that other part couldnt have been..uh
that jimbis  we werent counting on....
and that jimbis
is the only reason youre alive(FINALLY something I knew already....the name ethan comes to me(this isnt part of the dream,this is something else,
The name ethan and a cop who touched him,helped him gently into the squad car when he needed that gentleness,a youngman i met in key west who reminded me of jesus,...names like Simon,Peter,   but this time in the style of VEDA and Evan.there will be NO GOOD GUYS this time.it won't play .it didnt the first time did it.but GOOD all the same...it doesnt make sense.but it does.it will be tough times and wild times.it began when the man in ohio released the animals I hear ethan say/pray
hmmmm    but what about those aliens hmm...i dont even think Gary rainy knew they were for real for real.some can be bought?no...NO.it's all free.
Dactology Must be free?is that it?
....
the muralist continues the dream..
the dream state almost seems hesitant.
even the muralist knows he doesnt quite control everything.
The muralist knows i want answers.that i might be willing to die for them at this point .or why would i be typing this?
"  our interneural headset,,we called it the wire,so small,the implants not perceptable." the senator says"we used it to try to gather evidence..but it went to shit.early on.Nobody could do it.it's beyond skeevy.mind reading.no body calls it that.they call it proxy we call it interneural...it's something nobody has any bizness playing with"
the muralist is either bored or reticent.he doesnt mean it.a muralist assumes he is "the good guy" the artist with interface.BULLSHIT!but I cant make waves ..(trust me."they control the verticles.they control the horizontals.having bad thoughts about interneural is akin to telling the old testament god to GO AWAY!Just LEAVE ME BE! GGGET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
almost anyone ,especially a muralist thinks their god or godlike.and they sort of have to be.to play.but proxy isnt "playing" and either is NCIA.and me.I never had a choice.my only choice is to type.to go on and on till someone has the nerve to ....(ooo there are bits of this too unbelievable and dare i say embarrassing to even post.for i read this for i am posting drafts now.postings i had earlier saved .in case the inevitable occur...concerning especially the what i now believe was a simulation..i had made a vow to never reread any entries..the use of a love interest through cybernetic techniques was perhaps the most powerful weapon of choice implemented by my "captors".the use of television and the various reasons one might "relate " or identify with" or be attracted to while sounding silly takes on much more sinister contations when one thinks of what a Network or production house could do with such information (May 18th))
 I MUST BREAK AWAY AND EXPLAIN A BIT>>>Damien(or the Muralist who chose damien as my main CHaractER(truthfully how the fuck would i know.and why this guy.of all actors.
.cuz i related to "Homeland?
"that show with claire danes  on showtime.(liam helped pay for premium channels)
..why did i relate ..cuz the guy held hostage  for 5 years and his head was fucked with?or thru out the program people are suspiscious of him..and he was percieved to be Bad?
no.
it was  because he slept with his clothes on mainly
and seemed so god damned distracted and vague.
"cuz he's fuckin Hot" another friend said thats why...and he has a point.but I was never ever the type to go  like that for some tv show .some actor.ever.suddenly everything was Damien.
i guess i can sort of imagine how like some stalker feels.when a world is created around some ..star
but with me it was odd.
cuz I was afraid of this mother fucker.
and more afraid of the damien types set loose around van nuys.by Proxy as well.Types .Symbols.Redheads.

and the more this fucking damine lewis Proxyied me the more i despised himthis damien lewis shit is unbelievable.(I never heard of the guy before.)and almost impossible to write...funny ..everything else seems believable  or somewhat possible friends who read this say but they draw the line at damien lewis...why cuz he's famous ,cuz he acts for a living.cuz he's good looking ,famous.who gives a damn.the dude is scary.I see RED.RED is important .the color red is my main cue.
 BACK TO THE DREAM SEQUENCE OF 2 NITES
THE senator is at the Blackboard  explaining the events that lead to my "going rogue,goin nuts ,goin broke....
"when Damien lewis got involved'"he explains" it went to from failure to feral.especially when Jimbis went all Scanners on him and than as you know Damien went wild on Jimbis3.something he graphed and than TYPED and POSTED about the guy's wife for christ's sake!OR he insinuated "they had a moment"
another  sergt type says"i thought this was about jimbis infultrating Dacology.who thru this actor into this.
(GOOOOOD GOd damned question)
'''Well he continues damien got so fed up with jimbis,besides the usual complications of internueral.that he said fuck it.after a while.all jim did was smoke cigs,weed,watch porn and painted .to get thru this boring time with jimbis our men began creating "stories" to get him out of the house.and sgt phillip wanted to see if he could for instance 'go both ways"..stuff like that

..The Chairman and MUralist seem to get very serious.
and what did Dactology who inserted the OTHER WIRE in 1994 think of all thisjust more crazy jimbis i suppose."
the effeminine sgt giggles."and he did begin going crazy after Damien left the building.amore". amore."trust me jimbis didnt zactly hate  damien lewis uh uh.no way no how.WOOOOF.."
the senator continues"well,after damien "left the building"unknown to us Private  riley continued the for lack of a better word the love hate hate-hate "bromance".you see sgt riley always wanted to be a screenwriter..."
    UH>ANYONE EVEN BOTHER FOLLOWING DAC"S TRANSMISSIONS?HE SEEMS TO INFER ,from HIS WRITINGS something quite sinister was at play"
"that,"the secretary shouted was allllll Jimbis3"
"well for a coupla months we couldnt take the routine teeth brushing,egg cooking,he also chews very loudlyand uses too much hot water.nor does he recycle.and dont get me started (or damien oooooo no) on his sexual proclivities ,including his tastes in porn.or worse(or better i must say) his rather complicated sexual fantasies,some involving said damien .even after hewas told to stop."
"well a chairperson shouts"well it seems to me that while sgt riley was playing damien lewis gary rainy was essentially giving jimbis the schematics of the entire dact and proxy model"
Yes we kind of missed that.we got carried away,but he did write bits and pieces of his experience on facebook when he wasnt drunk or stoned..actually he posted videos songs pertaining to the experience.it means nothing any of it...than damien lewis ,the real one decided he'd be a sport or something.and he came back to the 'project" and saw the "filth" jimbis was writing about him.of course not knowing that private riley was "playing damien" damien wanted to teach jimbis a lesson and decided to go all"brainstorm "on him.and i suppose jimbis was under so much pressure thay he went beyond bboth ncia's interneural ANd Proyx's
.."saw the face of god and all that",,the real thing that dactology explains at the end of the ...course,and he wrote quite clearly that certain agencies etc are well aware of a fake rapture .with holograms ,satelites ,sound and fury.and he wrote if anyone tries it.this fake rapture stuff..well as he puts it ..the very earth might split in 2 or something to that effect.and some shit that only jimbis and people he SENSES he can BE AROUND in the New World will be left.."
The captain pulls himself up from the slouch he's in "I like damien lewis ,he's a very under used actor...did cliare daines win a grammy for homeland"
"an emmy .silly " the effeminine sgt says"the grammys are  for music"
"Moving on<:.a vote to rid the world of pennies"

down to earth

my dr has asked me to attend the Pinecone Man meeting which is held every tuesday at the lutheran church on umbra st
"...they want me down to earth.and smiling.and greatful..THEY.My Helpers.i despise them...know what? i used to despise my self for feeling this way.
.but i swear to god .I  can care less anymore
.do you have any fucking idea how fucking demoralizing it is..to be in this position.
..and not just for a year but years."
.Lets keep the cursing to a minimum says the chairperson.who sits in a chair.Calling on another raised hand to speak out
." being a pineconeman  well it isnt quite like being  crazy"someone says" it just sometimes means you cant do some stuff without help..but you are treated like a god damned  what's the word."

.

"like a mental patient you mental patient ,"i can't help but think
.My mind is not very sympathetic these days.I know nobody at the pinecone meeting
.i just know every pinecone thinks they are somehow better or more unique or better pinecones than everyone else.Myself included i suppose if i get honest,but honestly i just came for the donuts.Some douchebag just went on about the guy who wrote "howl".Ha I think. this guy ?this guy thinks he has the" greatest minds of our times destroyed by..."jesus i am bored,so i move my eye around hoping nobody sees me bothering to give a damn what's around me(that's my thing,not giving  a damn what's around me.i dont want to break character,even with these losers)but boredon always wins,so I risk this eye rove and begin comparing myself to the others around the circle,we are all dressed in cheap clothes.we all have bad haircuts.but i have a feeling this guy named jordan deliberately fucked up his hair to outdo the rest of us.I had seen this jordan character at the table that had cookies and stuff .he had a  piddle -about manner that seemed forced,a studied namby pamby pathetic air that screamed superiority if one looked hard enough.you could tell he thought himself a master pinecone man.but hell if he'd say so.all shucks shucks shucks was this guy..i could imagine his griftygraffy comeon to pineconey pinecone collector types,dumping his wares deliberately woebegon on some table.apologizing for his existance and the rawness of his work...Ahhh give the guy a break, i thought.the problem with this type.Our type(oh how i hate having to write  or think OUR) is that it's both at the same time.we must somehow learn to parlay our social misfit shit into some style that is our own.all the while pretending it isnt there.this quirk(no quirk aint the word,too gentle ,too tv,this" missigness" is more like it.all the while trying to compensate for it and genuinely fight it.if only to get off food stamps or look like we dont get them at all at least..we both looked dejected and crazy but with my movement disorder I knew i looked even more pathetic.I couldnt help but sense he was trying to study my tics and slight spasms to use them at a later date to add to his dejected ness.feeling a mite bad for him i let him grab the last jellyroll.
see .even the pinecone set have a few feelings.very few.certainly, not enuf .for life is  a rather social event it seems and let me explain that anyone who has  had to settle for a life making pinecones into shapes and such..well things with a guy like that are usually a bit off..there is something wrong with a person like this..or trust me.they would be doing something else..funny also that this sort also seems to need the most help functioning  in the world when this sort hates being helped or taken care or conversated with .These are people best left alone as he often needs complete control of his environment or a fit of sometype will occur which can often last for days..one wonders why caretaker types want them around.and one cannot help but become at least just a little bit suspiscious.of all motives involved.for this "not quite there"type sometimes provides  a "there but for the grace of god go i " one upman shit smile to the ones around him.and trust me.pinecone types know it.we read everything.we are magical  like that.

"is this seat taken a squinty type in his 40s says,i dont like him till i see him nervously clutching a ball of play dough for support and guidance.which he immediately begins tearing at.I let go of some of my pent up tics to make him feel less "less than".people like this i have such compassion for,endless.. until they might want to befriend me.or ask to "go for coffee"...it is best if sorts like us travel alone in my opinion...a true pinecone knows not to ask or accept things like phone numbers,movie dates etc knowing the internal grunting and inner fussing mushing it will cause...and that one must go away with..but it takes years to learn ,well into ones late 30s.sometimes 40s...conversations are horrible things.i know squinty guy next to me would rather make shapes with playdough than pretend to care what i am saying about my playdough,clay or pencil comings and goings.sometimes our sort is misjudged as narsistic,antisocial etcetc..nah..though i can see how one can get confused..they as well are in their own worlds.and like them i'm afraid we must often have to aquire an agenda.but it is not the same.pinecone  men though rather hateful in demeanor at times as jumbly blurbly mumbo jumbo handshake shit is always the course of the day (hows about them Eagles?)Pinecone men are essentially good.unless they become desperate.,poor or feel trapped.like all of us.at the meeting.
there had lately been an influx believe it or not of pseudo pinecone men.regualr arty types with social lives,social behavior skills.other incomes etc..saying they were pinecones men.taking real money away from us."thanks to these pretenders;"one memeber said "i lost the little income i had from the marble sandcastles i was making.now i must live with gordon."
gordon supposedly forces him to eat with him.at the same table and not over a sink where he feels more comfortable..gordon also has a habit of asking him how his day is ,daily.
i can see how this can get annoying because
a pinecone man's days are largely the same.there are variances usually having to do with the state of one's current pinecone (or otherwise)creation.or if it  is too humid. or loud outside .stuff like that.it is a difficult life for some.Suddenly out of nowhere.Someone creaked a chair.and than moved the chair ever so slightly,perhaps to mask the creak..
pineconemen don't like abrupt sound.changes in light .things like that can often bring on a mind tantrum in my self.but it was odd seeing the entire group's temperature change.i felt like i was being asked to sit through an entire tv show with someone on a couch.the same couch.I hoped the chairwoman knew enough to end the meeting early.The guy next to me broke off a small bit of playdough and handed it to me.This gesture settled my nerves.i grumbled inaudibly.he returned the grumble.by the end of the meeting i had made the playdough into a puppy head..Meaning i should keep it.This would be enough social contact to keep me going for days,anymore than this and i might lose every bit of myself,.

................................................................................"who wants to be the fucking pinecone man.
i had come back not only suicidal but punchacidal".group home s!those god awful programs .in nasty airless rooms.with horrible sayings on the wall...there are never wealthy people in there.funny that it never occurs to anyone that lack of money is what is driving pineconemen crazy. "
i cant snap out of it.
i am so filled with some kind of returning helplessness
i cant believe i am back to this.

saying anything to get thru ...until they are mad
poor people .
people beholden ...they disappear into thank you.and fake smiles.
and than one day they stop smiling or caring.
there is nothing
they can care less if they end up in "a home" and shit.
they might have more fucking dignity
punchacidal indeed.

the paintings were scream after scream after scream.you cant write now you cant speak..you just want to smash and smash.
.you are this close.to going crazy cuz you see years of this horrble beholdeness and poverty..you see a shrink and why and why..cuz you are losing it cuz you are poor.you are poor you are poor and cant move forward and how is this a mental problem
you are in the welfare office you are sitting there  you are in someones room afraid to get paint on the floor in a tiny space you can barely move in .and idiots say its not so bad its not so bad its not so bad.but it is worse than bad worse than bad worse than bad

and you know the cycle of rage will begin but you know that this time it only leads to paint smears.
punchacidal.
all your huimanity is gone.
hate hate hate
and you are so hateful now you dont even care if its wrong to hate
so you get paralized.
and lay there
and hope you die"

thinking as i crush the playdough into nothing at all

the pineconeman

Crazy things.like interneural interface and satelites....human targets..he calls them he had gotten in touch with me.reading the blog.they won't stop he says...they own you ..iwrite it anyway you want call yourself jimbisand much of the same things i have been writng about "as fiction".T Joshua tells me they use some of these "things" on  prisoners.they used it on eileen warnos..WHO IS THEY ,JIm
.COME ON! aside from this fiction  dreck ADMIT that YOU THINK AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHO THEY IS!
I think I know what he is getting at.I think of him as insane.it is easier.Easier than thinking who THEY probably are.He too has brain damage and can barely give a damn what he has said the second before. Or Felt the second before.He found me online .He knows I have nowhere to go.Not .Really.i know the look.he is destroyed.as are the others he hangs out with who have been "played with" NO JIM not PLAYED WITH he says," experiemted on.!"..
..the stuff they dont tell us could fill the ocean .did you know there are drugs that  cause some telepathy shit. hallucinigenics ....for a while  it's wild than it's flowers for algernon all over the place..these people can't finish a sentence.they sound crazier than me.but as these months have progressed I can't judge anyone as mad.I hate that i know what they are talking about all these experiments ,they go nowhere,they can't even be used as weapons. They do it.JUST BECAUSE JIM it's like Joseph Mengele secretly runs the entire secret army.army of what.the Army ,the US Army.don't be an idiot JIMBIS or WHATEVER dumbass name you use in that Monstrositous so called Blog.why did I come here?I wanted answers.Not more Crazy.Joshuah's girlfriend wrote me several strange e mails saying she can read "through" what i write and she knows it isn't fiction(no shit)....

Joshuahs girlfriend was a so called Firekeeper.she tended to the wood and the blaze that was lit 24/7 .she also saw the fire in people's eyes.
she said my fire went out.my eyes were like  a wet log.i agreed.
i knew a guy like you .she said.he hung himself.
"i've heard that before "I told her.
"i bet you have" she said  and told me about the guy.

the pine cone man was a guy who was on welfare and lived
with his sister who he didnt like.so he left and lived outside
he had nothing to do.
he was simple or something.
he began making all sorts of sculptures out of pine cones.
some guy saw the pinecone sculptures and began selling them
the pinecone man had enough money to move into a small apartment
than he ran out of money.
and had to live on the street again
and stopped even bothering doing anything with pinecones

I identified with the pinecone man.
i did art for a time.but it came to nothing financially or otherwise.why bother
".know what i mean jellybean?"
do you have any of the art she said
no.it's in a box .
"can you get the box?"
no .the box is tied up I said
"you're not good with knots "she said,"or string.It's a good thing.because if you were you might have hung yourself like the pinecone man"
"yes ,"I said "i'm afraid things are quite desperate"
"i can do good things with a box of art,and you need good things."
"much of the art isnt up to par but an equal part is damn good"
"we will get the box and seperate the good from the bad don't you think.Perhaps put the bad art on the fire .The fire can't go out...I don't want you to be a pinecone man"
"i am quickly becoming the pinecone man,"I said,"but,how do i put this nicely , you seem to be rather  crazy.Can crazy people sell art?"
"only crazy people can sell art.We must get that box.Which is tied up..We must get it soon"

"the pineconeman ,the pinecone man.don't become like the pineconeman"Joshuah began singing and than his girlfriend got us back on track.
"he does that sometimes.sometimes he can't stop.That's why he needs all the help he can get.As do you jim.All the help you can get but first we must get you painting again .and away from this "in search Of " stuff you're writing.there's no money in it for one.and B.it just might get you..."
"the pineconeman ,the pineconeman,don't become like the pineconeman"Joshua sang

I walked away from the fire.
i walked and walked.
he walked.
i walked.
HE walked
the more desperate he got the less he thought of himself as an I
it was easier to become third person.
he was that despondant
he wondered if he might soon break off into more and more people the more he went down
and he was going down fast
what would be so wrong .
ending up like the pinecone man?