it wasn't the weight of Akihito's arm around him.
that made it impossible for Adam to move
it was his thoughts.
they seemed to be his own .
as they hadn't been for quite sometime
he was afraid.
he graphed "Valerie,Valerie help.."
the very same voice he had been so afraid of he now needed more than ever.
the very same voice that had nearly made him lose his mind in Los Angeles.That had for a time put him on tranquilizers and hospital watch,that had made David ,who was to be his lieutenant
tell Valerie he wasn't up to snuff.
"he's just not finished The Process" he heard Valerie say,as he lay in the hospital room in the psychiatric ward
"he's ruined in my eyes David said...I'll always see him as this".A ruiner.A ruiner who TOLD about the voices.what else do you think he might have said?"
"he can hear you," Valerie said,"nothing he doesn't know anything"
Adam saw David leave the room and asked Valerie to maybe get him some more medicine.
"no more medicine.It was a break with reality or something.One never tells anyone about hearing voices.Or thoughts of being controlled do you understand?They can do anything to you when you say things like that.What special things happen between special friends are between us.DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Adam had arrived in Kyoto months earlier.
He had finished the process
And had been told what IT was for.
Adam's job.The reason he had been born in fact was to "play" the part of Akihiko's lover.
For a special mission,which involved things Valerie still did not feel comfortable telling him.
especially after his indiscretion talking about "voices"
All Adam knew was that his mission entailed him gaining Aki's trust.
"playing" the part of a houseboy and lover.
But times like now.
beneath Akihiko's arm
traces of himself came back to him
Traces that Valerie had warned him about.Traces that might have been "planted" into his unconscious.Lies.
Adam saw himself in Ohio
not .this time laying in a hospital room,
but in fact walking freely in a hospital
dressed in medical blues.
Following other people dressed as he was.with clip boards.Making rounds
not this.
not this version of himself.
in some man's apartment
not on some mission.
for a moment he remembered his training,his process.How proud it sometimes made him feel .
shhhhhhhhh Valerie would say .her voice turning to rhythm and sound and pulse and comfort
his mind
usually kept some kind of standard pace
but he had drank tonight
just 3 beers
after the recital
his mentors had told him to scan the auditorium.
for THEM
he would know who THEY were.
But all he saw were faces
and bodies
some overdressed.
some under dressed
some old
some young
He sensed nothing
Maybe THEY werent here tonight
Again.
in the bar
Valerie graphed that it was his mission to guard Akihiko and to be ON THE LOOK OUT for Enemies.and PEOPLE OF AGENCY AND INTENT
Under the table Akihiko had unzipped Adam's fly and had begun stroking him
Valerie graphed that it was important that Adam let Aki do this for it helped both of them provice a cover.
But Adam felt like crying.
Not only because he felt ashamed
but also because he knew he should have learned not to be.That he was letting his Mentors down.
And that's when he began to drink too much
Never once did Akihiko let on that he knew that the only reason Adam had come to Kyoto because he was on a mission.
that he was secretly an agent.a spy.
Valerie graphed him on these occasions of over thinking that it was his job to be cute. and be dumb.
That this reckless over thought could get him killed and also destroy his credibility for as a rule "rent boys" don't think much
nor was it particularly attractive
AND this type of WANDERMIND showed
what if Aki was to come upon him with this stray reverie in his countenance.
Both your cover AND ours will be blown
AND MAYBE Valerie hissed if Adam wasnt so busy being so self absorbed and a RUINER perhaps he might have already formed an alliance with Akihiko
so he might share some of these and other confidences
Under Aki's arm.A 50 year old business man.In this luxery apartment.
So far nothing whatsoever did Adam pick up upon
either for or against The New Way
(Adam himself didn't know if he was for or against The New Way" and valerie had told him that for a LOOKOUT like himself that WAS the only WAY .Never ever bring up the New Way.Nor ever speak of....there was so much
to not speak of
but really so little to say...
He wondered if THEY had purposely confused him
WANDERMIND WANDERMIND repeated in his era. in his head.
intense enough to remind him of his mind going fast enough like this that he was hospitalized.
the "feeling" stopped.
He concentrated on the sound of a fan in the other room to bring "The Process" back
it was understood that Aki would be allowed to "have his way with you" if he wants Valerie or another Mentor made clear.
And always at those times his mind seemed to automatically reset or rectify itself
as if on these occasions someone or something was changing a station on his inhibitions
and reasserting the heroic feeling of THE CAUSE
which would be known to him when he had understood the mission to begin with.
a whirling ,warning feeling came upon him if he ever tried to think through "this riddle"
also a sharp paint in the back of his head and a loop of WANDERMIND WANDERMIND to guide him back to his intent and mission .And the less he knew .the better.
But times like now
Having drank too much.
Here.In the middle of the night
Next to this man who had begun to repulse him more everyday.
His mind seemingly unleashed from his protective mentors which always guided him back to CAUSE
were lost in a fog of alcohol
His mind which by now had become used to conferencing and feedback
and set parameters
now unbridled.
Panicked
Still underneath Aki's arm
Adam 's mind went WANDERMIND WANDERMIND without repercussion
What mission?
What enemy?
What "service" was he really providing.
"houseboy/rent boy/ spy "Who was writing this shit he thought.I was a fucking medical student
His eyes darted around the room.
He really was in Kyoto under an old Japanese business man's arm.
He touched the arm as if to see if it was real.
And new fears went through him
What was this "process"
what was it for?
WHO were these people
Why had he suddenly left Ohio for Los Angeles.
to Become an actor?
HE NEEDED THE VOICES
he felt like he was going crazy.
"help,help help'He graphed in his mind.
at the same time feeling insane .that he had somehow been taught how to ..what was it called.graphing..
what he had overheard David call intraneural interface
what he had used to call "the voices"
sweat began to pore from him
Valerie had told him to never drink.to even be careful nursing just one drink or contact might by difficult
(had told him.Or graphed him...my god my god my god thinking of the craziness ,the silliness of the gibberish in his mind,and worse that it was all somehow true.The arm still over his chest proved it. he felt himself starting to cry i was a medical student I was a medical student I used to drive a car. i had a girlfriend I had a mother.a father..)
He looked over at Akihito
and thought of all the sexual things they had done..
for the cause
He thought he might throw up as he ran to the bathroom
He splashed water on his face
He felt a tingling on the back of his skull
In the mirror he saw or thought he saw his nose move.
First to the left.
Next to the right.
Next he noticed his ears moving back and forth .as if they were being pushed.
He through more water on his face
only to again look in the mirror and see his entire face
was now round
his nose 3 sizes bigger
moving to the left.to the right
His ears stuck straight out
He remembered screaming before hitting his head on the bathroom rug
Aki stood over him
Smiling
Holding something
that looked like a remote control
in the other hand he heard Valerie 's voice,but Aki snapped the phone shut.
"repulsive,' Aki said,bending over him.So that Adam could see he was wearing what looked like a hearing aid in his ear..
Aki grabbed a hand mirror and brought it close to Adam's face,still round.Still distorted.
"Now,"said Aki,"THAT'S repulsive!"
Adam laid there on the bath rug
Closing his eyes on the reflection of himself."
still on the bathroom floor,through the opened door Adam saw Aki
in the other room . with his laptop..
every now and than sneaking a look at Adam.
Closing his lap top Akihiko returned to the bathroom
kneeling over Adam,rubbing his forehead gently.
Turning away,making a point of hitting specific numbers on his cell phone.
At the same time Adam felt some of the pressure dissipate on his skull and facial nerves
with some amusement Aki studies Adam's face,
Holding the handmirror up to him as every feature now "fell into place"
"hey handsome"Aki said,removing the mirror
and kissing him full square on the lips.
"don't ever say,think,or even imagine I am repulsive again.I paid close to 17 million dollars for your ass.AND your face.Get it?"
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