i went to a bar last night
against Evan's advice.
he considers drinking
and any drug taking.
besideOTC  a set back in the process.

i a processed out.
for now.


in the past i had a problem with alcohol and drugs.several rehabs yadda yadda ...
how 80's and 90's are tales of drug problems
is there anything more tiresome than a journal of excess and regret caused by chemicals

all i remember from my various rehabs is that they say
see if you can drink in moderation.
give it a try.

they say it in a rather  mocking way.the rehab workers.or whatever they call themselves

still..
it is something to go on.

i am 44 years old .this fact has moderated just about everything
and anyway
i end up in a bar these days
not so much to get drunk
as to escape my four walls.

bars used to be about
new walls.
new faces.
..
whatever.

in the past ten years though
for reasons that make no sense to me
bars have destroyed the experience of  solitary Ruiners...wishing to simply
vanish into some sort of..social oblivion

by placing televisions all over the walls.
each playing different programs.sometimes as many as 30 large screens in less than 2500 square feet.
my senses
are overwhelmed by these fast moving images
and I find myself
drinking more than i should to escape from the visual cacophony

instead.last night I just left the bar earlier than I intended.
getting into a cab.
where i was suprised to see a small tv in the passenger area.there is no escape
i have a problem relating to tv
i do not see myself in the programs.
i do not see myself on the run leaping from fire escapes trying to allude police or CSI
i do not see myself in a domestic living room or coffee house exchanging one liners or sexual innuendo with friends or lovers.
nor do i see anything I want particularly in souped up 30 second eye candy spots.
perhaps i am too caught up in the sounds and visions in my head.

where i can picture myself in the 1800's
or primitive times in a cave
roasting whatever my particular tribe has netted that day
it is only when i go back that far
in my consciousness that I can see myself in any clan whatsoever
I am not part of this.
I am in my own little world
i do not know if this is Old Way
or New Way thinking
until Evan assures me

 

 

it is both