In the past I had taken Ritalin and Adderal
to organize my mind
I had tried many drugs...
it is that
"scattered"

unfortunately I am allergic to amphetamine based medications
methylphedate as well(ritalin)
I tried Cylert which was a nightmare.
I don't even know if they prescribe it anymore

for years i tried not using anything
drug wise
street drugs etc

I also have anxiety
or believed i did.
(social phobia ...yes...but not when I get used to being "out and about")

whatever and who gives a fuck.
one gets in front of the keyboard and
can't help but want to make all the letters on it somehow mean something

going to some lengths lately to organize my mind.
put it on some kind of pause/firewall/

i think like a computer when my mind races.
i like it sometimes..but sometimes i just want to BE
not get lost in my stories.

my dad was the same way
he said he spent his days.
at work( icant even hold a JOB)
LIKE REAL WORK
as walter mitty

he was /is a nice guy...he read me stories every night
my stepmother was bold.
tuff
from brooklyn
we lived in a small town and the smallness of it must have been a drag and a half
everybody tired though to
get thru the years.
i was an odd kid.
i could tell left from right
literally
like i didnt know if i was left handed or not.
i still have this problem
it's why i dont drive a car
it's odd

anyway
i left my dad and stepmom
when i was like 13
cause i saw a picture in a book of someone who reminded me of my mom
so i called her

and without saying a word to anyone
I packed a bag and took off
"ran away"

my mother........
well



perhaps there was a reason my father

....
said.

stay away

...
i will not write badly about her.
some people are too unique
or too indescrible in their essense to be depicted with stories

I respect my stepmother in ways i never thought possible.
my father has a bit of trouble respecting me

I ve recently read a box about amish people .it was written in the 1960's so probably ...
alot of what they believe in is gone

they don't value money
they value respect and integrity

my mind is not integrated enough
i dont know why
to
even i think love properly.

or evenly

but this wasnt the left hand right hand thing
or adhd

it was
that day
that I ran off
from my real home.
I remember being in the car

and something in me just disappeared